Kinda Kitschy

The Joke

2010-05-20T23:02:00.000-05:00

So, the question is, "How do I relate to my faith?" Or maybe, "How do I want to relate to my faith?"

The right (read: Christian) answer is, "You don't." Your faith, ideally, is not something you relate to. It's just something you are. You don't relate to your height, or the color of your eyes, or the myriad other factual observances that fall under the heading Me.

Then again, people write books about their faith. They sing about their faith. They write blogs about it. You don't blog about having big hands, or being a white person. Unless you're clever enough to be really, really ironic and turn it into a book deal.

So I do relate to it.

I used to relate to it by saying statements that equated to, "I am this type of Christian, and not that type of Christian." But in doing so, I was essentially dividing Christians into the good kinds, and the not as good kinds. I was being a hipster with my Christianity.

Really, I am them, and they are me. In Christianity, when push comes to shove, the only difference between me and the guy sitting next to me is whether he believes, or doesn't believe. Everything after that is semantics and preference.

I used to relate to my faith with humor, and still do to a lesser extent. I really still want to write about that. But I'm not sure I know how, anymore.

Not because that other type of Christian doesn't deserve it. They do. We all do. But they're not in on the joke. And something about that bothers me.

Also...being here, in the place I occupy in this life at this moment, I don't feel the urgency of the slacks-wearing Sunday crowd in the way I once did. Being in this young church with these creative people, I feel like maybe the Christianity of Billy Graham is getting ready to pass the torch, though probably muttering, "Back in my day..." while it does so.

The preponderance of a young, savvy, over-educated youth in the places of worship and halls of Christian learning has started to take its toll. The church is changing. And doing what I did, it feels like soon, maybe nobody will get the joke. There won't be a frame of reference.

To Save An Acting Career (Don't Be In Christian Movies)

2010-03-09T08:23:00.000-06:00

At an online forum I hang out at there was a discussion recently about a "Christian" movie called To Save a Life.

I gave them my usual rhetoric about why Christian movies always turn out to be crap, but they insisted that this one broke the mold. Of course, I knew that if it was actually good, it couldn't really be all that Christian. Then again, if it was really Christian, it couldn't be all that good. Well, either way, I'm not taking my chances.

But it did get me thinking about what makes a Christian movie actually Christian. I've decided that we need some sort of standard, a set of criteria to which all Christian movies are held.

We need a checklist.

The Christian Movie Checklist (or How Movies Get to Heaven)

For a movie to be considered saved, it must meet at least 75% of the following criteria:

-No moral ambiguity. Christian morality is black or white. So are our characters. Not literally...I mean, like morally. You know, metaphorically.

-A character must say "damn" at least twice, for believability. Extreme swearing like the s-word or the f-word are prohibited.

-Sex can be alluded to, but the word sex is prohibited. Portraying it is right out. We haven't yet convinced the world that we reproduce via mitosis.

-Kirk Cameron

-75% of the movie's soundtrack must be from approved Christian musicians. Remember, Amy Grant and Jennifer Knapp are verboten now, so watch your step.

-The other 25% of the soundtrack can be secular, but must be composed of songs from 1970 or earlier.

-Youth leaders should still be signified by having frosted tips. This is pretty much ingrained by now.

-Characters should be about a cycle behind on current trends. Everyone in the film should still be on MySpace.

-Teenage characters should be angsty. Painfully so. If they're not angsty, they're the Christian teen.

-Kirk Cameron

Actually, by this measurement, I'm not sure we can call To Save A Life a Christian movie. But there's one thing we can be sure of: Kirk Cameron's not in it. And I think that's something we can all be thankful for.

Move Over Windows

2010-02-05T20:47:00.001-06:00

Digital Accountability began as a division of Christuff Industries devoted to producing nothing but wholesome, family-oriented, restrictively Christian computer software. For a long time, we only managed to come up with various flavors of computerized Bibles.

Finally, a few years ago, we realized this whole internet thing wasn't the fad we'd thought it was going to be. It would fall to us to combat the virtual hordes of smut waiting out there to corrupt the minds of obedient Christians. We set out to create a dynamic web filtering software, dynamic meaning that it would evolve, perpetually become more prohibitive. After years of hard programming we released the most comprehensive digital filter software the world had ever seen. The Crusader web filtering software blocked content related to several thousand keywords, a few of which are:

Sex
Pornography
Profanity
Violence
Islam
Terrorism
News
Dancing
Environmentalism
Video Games
Fun
Music
Judaism
Alcohol
Sugar

We were touted as the heroes of Christianity's digital future and our software was bought by the hundreds by churches and schools. We saw the void there was for truly Christian software, so we thought, "Why should we stop there?" We continually built around the Crusader software and now, we are proud to introduce to you the world's first Christian OS!

Doors is a fully outfitted home computing experience. It contains all of the features you would expect from a more popular operating system, but with added features and security to protect the mind and purity of the Christian user. The software is currently still in beta, and is due to be released in late 2010. However, we can tell you about some of the more popular features. Doors is:

Secure!
-A randomly generated Bible trivia question will be required at every login!
-All downloads are prohibited without a randomly generated alpha-numeric password which is e-mailed to the administrator once a month!
-Proprietary "Firepillar" software permanently closes all ports!

Family Friendly!
-Automatically loaded with with an un-removable and un-customizable version of the Crusader web filtering software!
-Blocks any attempt to install video games (except Digital Accountability Bible games)!
-Will not play DVD's with ratings above PG!

Accountability!
-Includes 10gb keylogging cache that can only be cleared once per year!
-Automatically e-mails copies of browsing history to administrator, employers, and church elders!

Worship!
-Automatically sets desktop to Thomas Kinkade wallpapers, complete with inspirational sayings and Bible verses!
-GodTunes software lets you fill your hard-drive with inspirational Gospel and Christian country music, and nothing but!

These are just a fraction of the God-honoring features that will ship when Doors is released commercially later this year for the low price of $675! Digital Accountability has become the leading name in morally restrictive Christian software, and with Doors you won't have to worry about your free will getting in the way of your holiness!

And the Winner Is...Nobody

2010-02-01T18:07:00.005-06:00

How do you get Lady GaGa's attention?

You p-p-poke her face. ROFL.

The Grammy's (Grammies? The apostrophe bothers me, the other looks like a nickname for grandmothers) aired last night. Like everyone, I've been having to bear the onslaught of uninhibited opinion that inevitably follows any large-scale declaration of worth.

I've always been a fan of music. Er...I might need to refine that. Saying that is akin to saying, "I like food." It's information about oneself, per se, but it doesn't exactly serve to define you separate from the human race. Suffice it to say, I listen to music while doing anything and everything: walking, cleaning, playing video games, eating, writing, driving, showering.

Okay, maybe not showering.

When I get in a car, I don't listen to what the radio tells me to listen to. I am militant about what I play in the car. When you unwittingly climb into my car, I will forcibly subject you to what I think you should be listening to. For a (greatly abridged) list of bands I like, see my profile.

Egotism aside, I've never been a fan of the Grammy's, rarely a fan of mainstream music, and a fan of Christian music more rarely still. As a Christian, I'm disturbed by our condemnation of popular media while we scramble so hard to imitate it.

The Dove awards, the Grammy Awards better behaved younger brother, awards so-called Christian musical "artists" in many of the same categories as the Grammy's: Song of the Year, Album of the Year, Best Gospel Bluegrass-Country-Twang-Hybrid Album of the Year.

Had I my way, I'd eradicate all awards shows. That not being the case, I'll give you some of my ideas for award categories for the Gospel Music Association Dove Awards. Since I'm about as familiar with Christian music as I am with mainstream secular music, I can't assign winners to most of these. But I can tell you that in Christian music, each category has a very clear winner.

Best Band Who Signed to a Secular Label to "Attract Unbeliever$"

Best Band Trying to Sound like Popular Secular Rock Band

Best White Christian Rapper (TobyMac wins this automatically, though best is
debatable. I think he's won a Grammy, too. Go figure.)

Best Singing Group Pretending Gospel is Still Relevant

Best Band with Lyrics Ambiguous Enough to Sound Vaguely Christian

Best Aging Pop Star Turning to Gospel to Find New Audience

Anyway, that's just a few. Maybe leave some in the comments and we can get our own awards show going.

Like A Bad Penny

2010-01-24T16:07:00.005-06:00

I just keep turning up. I'm like that guy in that one movie, and this blog is like my love interest that hated me at the beginning but slowly found out I was much more sensitive than my rough demeanor let on.

I won't give up on us! How's that? No?

"You had me at hello?" I must be getting desperate.

Anyway, I wanted to pop by to let each of the two people that still check my blog know that some friends from my church, The Great Adventure, and I have started a new blog. It's just some discussions about our faith and various thoughts on different subjects, positive and negative. It's called Maniacal Faith and I'd love for you to come and check it out.

As for Kinda Kitschy, I'm still planning on updating regularly. It was easier back when I had a lot of readers, but maybe we'll get there again.

To My Reprobate Friends

2009-11-12T23:44:00.007-06:00

Look, I thought we had an agreement. I've kept up my end of the bargain, but you've been shirking. I've been working really hard at this whole "friendship evangelism" thing. Don't worry, I get it! You hated the whole "shotgun-you-in-the-face-with-the-Gospel-and-call-you-a-sinner" approach. Believe me, it was labor-intensive and not very fun. We didn't have much in common then.

So, I took up drinking. Before I can invite you to church, you invite me out for drinks. Okay. You're not quite ready for Sunday morning. That's fine. I start smoking occasionally, and you bum cigarettes off of me. That's what friends are for, right? I invite you to my church on Friday to play Halo instead of on Sunday to hear preaching. At least that gets you in the door. But do you show up on Sunday? No. You've got a hangover.

Now I feel obligated to buy every new Halo game that comes out, I'm up to a pack a day, and I can't go to sleep at night without two fingers of Jack. Does that make you happy? Look, I'm just looking for a little effort on your part. A question about the Bible, or some challenge on a controversial issue. Just show a little interest. Or fake it; it's the least you can do.

We both know I'm a bigoted, right-wing holy roller but I work really hard at maintaining this psuedo-intellectual, openly spiritual, left-of-center facade. You think I do it for my health? You think I like saying I support universal healthcare? I voted for Bush twice, and I couldn't vote in 2000.

All I'm asking for is some sign that I'm not alone in this. This is a two-way street, remember? I just need something to show the Boss to prove I'm not slacking off down here. Otherwise, we might have to go back to the old way, and then who will loan you smokes?

So Jesus Walks Into A Bar

2009-11-10T13:33:00.006-06:00

And the bartender says, "Shut the door! What, were you born in a barn?"

Yes, "Thou Shalt Laugh 4" is just that funny! Really! It doesn't get any funnier than that. I'm serious.

Exodus 20:17 - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's. But thou shalt laugh until thy sides split with fear and trembling. Or I shall smite thee. (New Fabricated Version)

Okay, so maybe I LOL'd a couple times. Actually chuckled under my breath is more accurate. I kind of feel the same way about Christian comedy as I do about Christian films though. I have yet to see a Christian comedian who can make me laugh as much as, say, Jim Gaffigan. Or Maria Bamford. I guess that means I'm a dirty sinner.

The most disturbing thing about that whole video might be John Tesh's haircut. Hairpiece?

Actually, "Goblin" is Next to Godliness

2009-11-08T15:32:00.005-06:00

The other day I was lint-rolling my futon for the fourth time that morning (I own cats, and they own my futon) and the phrase "cleanliness is next to Godliness" popped into my head. As someone who enjoys the theory of a clean home, but hasn't really experienced it, I've always hoped that it wasn't true. What if someone could encompass their entire life with that belief? I wondered what a church based on this "principle" would look like.

People start churches all the time to reach out to new groups all the time like people who easily fall for marketing or people who want to be rich, stay rich, or stop feeling guilty for being rich. So I thought it might be possible to open a new mission field by reaching out to the people who are too germaphobic to go to church.

I imagine a white brick church with a name like "Our Lady of Perpetual Scrubbing." Not because we're Catholic, but just because women are naturally cleaner than men. That's a scientific fact. Look it up. We would have clergy arrayed in the purest white, sanitized robes. They would be, of course, obsessive-compulsive neat-freaks. That would be a no-brainer, I think. The leaders have to set the bar, right? Imagine Monk with a Bible instead of a badge. The name even fits.

My first choice for deacons would be meth addicts. The word deacon comes from the Greek diakonos (διάκονος), which means "servant." At least that's what Wikipedia told me. Trust me, these guys are built for service. They'll clean anything, even if it takes a toothbrush and several buckets of Comet. Especially if that's what it takes. Of course, that might stir a lot of metaphorical pots. My second choice would be professional cleaners, and I don't mean the legal kind. I mean the guys who clean up a murder scene after you whack some snitchin' rat so that the cops can't find nuttin' of nobody's, no how.

Uh...sorry. Maybe they wouldn't be the best choice, but I honestly only went with them so everyone would go with the meth-heads.

We would worship and preach in one of those dust-free, sanitary clean-rooms where they build microchips. I mean, if cleanliness really is next to Godliness, than that must be the Holy of Holies, right? Before worship though we'd have to have a prayer service where we all wash each other's...hands. I know Jesus did the feet thing but, you know, eww. OH! And we would only baptize our members with bottled water!

Then I sort of snapped out of it and thought maybe the whole saying was a misunderstanding. Maybe cleanliness and godliness just used to be right next to each other in a really old dictionary. You know, before they discovered a lot of other words.

The Trouble with Christians or Why We Shouldn't Get the Vote

2009-11-08T00:01:00.005-06:00

I got one of those stupid e-mail forwards a few weeks ago about the Islamic day of prayer that happened in D.C. recently. Basically it was a bunch of Christians complaining about the fact that the White House prayer service was canceled, yet a bunch of terrorists (according to them) can crowd the Capital (capital?) and pray together/blow it up.

Of course, this came from some of my Fundaconservachristian relatives. I use that term because, trust me, for my relatives, the three root words there are inexplicably tied to one another. I'm not usually one to get involved in discussions of politics with relatives because it often results in shouting matches/skipped Christmases, but my stupidity got the better of me.

I wrote a politely worded (read pretentious) e-mail about how the people who run are government are not Christians, generally speaking, and thus we can't expect them to act like Christians. I also waxed eloquent about my belief that while no one can avoid voting in line with their morality, and everyone tries to legislate it, a nation's government should work hard at being as impartial as possible in regard to religion. As much as I hate to say it, and I mean that, I had to agree with the militant atheists. A day of Christian prayer at the White House essentially amounted to a federal endorsement of religion. How long until that leads to a theocracy? Then some people get pissed, and throw your tea off of a boat, and it's a whole mess. I might have been a little argumentative (read sarcastic) in mentioning something about the Statue of Liberty and how she says nothing about agreeing with all the white people.

Anyway, despite my obvious attempt at being good-natured, or perhaps in spite of it, this did not result in a logical, polite debate on the nature of politics and their relationship to religion. Instead, what I got was an e-mail in which one of my relatives told me that she doubted my salvation. Her reasoning was roughly thus:

!. Those who have put their faith in Christ are indwelt by the Holy Spirit.
@. One of the Holy Spirit's jobs is to convict us of sin and incorrect spiritual decisions.
#. Since the Holy Spirit didn't convict me that voting for Obama was the wrong decision (not simply a bad decision mind you), I surely must not be saved.

Now, anyone who's taken even elementary rhetoric or debate will understand why that argument fails to even approach logic. Nevertheless, I attempted to logically explain (second mistake) that spiritual disagreements do not void salvation. I cited the disagreement of Paul and Barnabas that led them to part ways on their missionary trip, and how that in no way could cause us to doubt the spiritual state of either. When I received a reply telling me that I was basically everything that was wrong with this country, sadly, I gave up. I know. I'm a quitter.

The whole episode left me wondering what's going to happen at Christmas when I'll have to give her a hug and a kiss and wonder if she really thinks I'm going to burn in Hell. Oh, besides that? What has convinced so many Christians that gay marriage and abortion are the only moral issues in politics? What happened to Jesus' teachings on charity, or teaching children? How many of this country's sorry excuses for policy can be traced back to something Jesus said that we are supposed to live out as Christians?

Maybe I'm a cynic, but I think we can learn a lot from Christ. Funny, right? Christ knew that the hearts of people, men and women, were more important than revolution. We've forgotten that as Christians. We're content to stew in our churches about how this country is going to hell in handbasket. We march in picket lines and feel like we're doing the work of Christ, while ignoring that little commandment that tells us go and "make disciples."

I just have to ask: Do we really believe that changing policy will win souls? And if not, then what are we doing?

Tech Wizard's Got Such A Supple Wrist

2009-10-15T00:41:00.005-05:00

So, after my own finagling with my Google accounts all but obliterated my access to this blog, I kind of gave up on it (again). Well now, due to my own technical genius, I'm able to post again. Truth is, if I'd cared that much in the first place, I probably would have kept trying before to get in. It was all in an effort to purge an extraneous Google account that I caused all the trouble in the first place. I can really be OCD when it comes to computational organization.

Anyway, I'm going to try and keep things going here because I need a reason to try and write something funny everyday if I'm ever going to churn out a novel. I might start a blog to post random bits of prose and poetry also. Meh. Who knows?

Meanwhile, I came across these abominations with a simple Google search for Christian shoes.

You can't get to Heaven on roller skates. But you can get there on cheap imitations.

Sometimes I wonder if marketing might be a gift of the Spirit. God knows there's thousands of Christians who have the unholiest knack for taking very cool things and making them "Christian" in only the crappiest of ways. As a big fan of Chuck Taylors this particularly stings to me.

Also, I would encourage you to check a site that seems to be selling very cool, original Christian apparel. It's called c28.com and they donate a portion of every purchase to various Christian ministries. See, I don't have a problem with using clothes for evangelism. I just take issue with the cheesy, uninspired, and unoriginal.

Preaching for Dummies (One dummy, at least!)

2008-10-08T10:35:00.007-05:00

So, I spoke at my church last Sunday. Well, technically, I team-preached. I'm such a newbie that I had to do the preaching equivalent of tandem skydiving.

We're doing the attributes of God. Each week we do two attributes that are unique to God, and one that He shares with us. My friend, J.P., spoke on omniscience and grace, and I got to talk on omnipotence for about 15 minutes in between the two. It was good times all around.

Here's a link if you want to hear my all-powerful message (and J.P.'s). I'm the guy who speaks in the middle.

I was surprised. Once I got behind that little music stand (we're a bunch of cheap bastards) I didn't feel nervous at all. You know, power of the Holy Spirit and all that. You can see a link to the Great Adventure Church's website over on the right, plus audio links to the sermons for anyone who's into boring stuff like I am. I think mine is over there too. But I didn't come here today to talk about me.

Well, actually I did. I mean, it is my blog.

The truth is, I would love to see more people get involved in their local churches. Now, I know that speaking in front of all those people, hopefully friends, can be daunting and possibly humiliating. That's why I'm putting together a tool for amateur preachers. It took me a while to come up with a simple, familiar way to help people put sermons together, but I think I finally have the answer.

What better way to teach people to practice at a new skill by using a fun, grammatically educational tool that kids and adults have been enjoying for years? I was going to call it Mad Libs for Preachers, but that seemed a little too obvious. In the end, I opted for Mad Libs: Sunday Edition. Here's an excerpt:

Using my proven* system you'll be preaching revival starting sermons in no time. I know what you're thinking: "Isn't this a little generic?"

Yes, it is! That's the genius of it. Trust me, it's foolproof. No one really knows what the Bible says anyway. Don't believe me? Go look up Hezekiah 12:27.

*I tested it on my wife. She was so profoundly affected that all she could do was sit there in awestruck silence.

Words Cannot Describe...

2008-10-01T23:12:00.005-05:00

Thanks to Adoro Te Devote (who originally stole it from Crescat) for tonight's little merchandising monstrosity. What is it about my blog that appeals to Catholic sensibilities anyway?

Apparently someone read about my fictional JesuSeat and decided to start producing prototypes. I'm wondering if I should sue them for copyright infringement.

I can only guess that the beloved disciple, John by tradition, was the inspiration behind this thing. In case you don't remember your Bible:

John 13:23 - There was reclining on Jesus' bosom one of His disciples, whom Jesus loved.

As weird as that is to begin with, who'd have thought they'd carry it out in such a creepy way. Who would buy a chair in the likeness of the mythical European Jesus? Anthropomorphic chair collectors? Torture device aficionados?

What if the chair became possessed and decided to like grab you and hold you down while it walked off with you or something? I mean, it could do it! That chair has feet! Real feet like with toes and everything!

If you find it offensive to think that a chair that looks like Jesus could be possessed, then you have no right to be reading this blog.

Goodnight.

Between a Rock and a Tentacled Monstrosity

2008-09-29T16:34:00.015-05:00

I know the time is growing short but I still haven't settled on a presidential candidate yet. I haven't been that impressed by Obama or McCain. I'm too liberal for McCain and too conservative for Obama, so what is a boy to do?

Luckily, these aren't the only two candidates.

I've decided to back one of two independent candidates. A lot of times during these elections we talk about having to settle for the lesser evil. Well, I say if you're voting for evil either way, why not go for the gold?

So here are the two (or three rather) potentials. The first is Max, The Drunken Severed Head and his running-mate, The Brain, from IT CAME FROM ALLEN'S BRAIN!

I know that the Brain is a big proponent of greater rights for the bodily-impaired, but I'm not entirely clear on all of their political positions yet. There seems to be a subtle undercurrent of world-domination running through their speeches and statements, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

The Brain is always laughing maniacally and Max is too drunk most of the time to stand up straight. At least, he would be if he, you know, had legs and stuff. I'm hoping I can sit these two down (metaphorically speaking) for an interview and get some straight answers.

One of the things keeping me from pushing this ticket is this: these two disembodied egomaniacs are so evil they might end up arch-nemeses and plunge the entire planet into civil war. On a ticket of pure evil that's to be expected but if the war comes I don't want to have to choose between these two evil juggernauts.

I'm sure we all expected Max and Allen's Brain to throw their lot in with the rest of the presidential hopefuls but my next option is more of a dark horse who's seen his popularity on the internet take off in recent weeks. Strangely enough, he's actually not from the United States. Now, that's technically unconstitutional but something tells me that's not going to stop him from running.

I covered his arrival in our dimension a couple of weeks ago. Well, it seems he's decided to enter the race, and I for one couldn't be more excited. I mean in terms of sheer evil you can't get much more horrific then Cthulhu. The likelihood of any of the current candidates reducing the Earth to a smoking pile of rubble are pretty high, so I'm thinking why not go out in the grips of a mindless, eternal nightmare, right? You can read a synopsis of the Great Ancient One's political leanings over at The Greater Evil. Here's an excerpt:

War: Great Cthulhu enthusiastically embraces the War on Poverty, the War on Terror, the Occupation of Afghanistan and the Occupation of Iraq. He supports the expansion of these petty and half-hearted, but glorious mortal efforts and further promises that, when elected, he will launch a War on Death, a War on Confusion, and will personally occupy no fewer than three additional formerly sovereign foreign nations, beginning with Swaziland.

If you're wondering why Cthulhu doesn't have a running mate you must not be too familiar with his work. Let's just say that whoever he picked wouldn't be fit to hold the job once he got into office. Besides, would you want to stand next to the guy in photo shoots?

I'm really excited about both of these candidates and I'll let you know about how I'm working out my decision in the coming weeks.

As for the candidates, a debate may or may not be a good idea as Cthulhu may immediately reduce his opponents to mindless gibbering shells of their former (already maimed) selves. But we'll see. Good luck to all the presidential hopefuls!

A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Witchcraft Go Down

2008-09-28T14:51:00.018-05:00

The other night we offered a free babysitting service at church. We do this like every other month. I was one of the four people who showed up to help, and I was the only guy to boot. I helped freshman girls babysit six children of varying ages up to 5. It was our goal to tucker the kids out as quick as possible so we did everything from chasing them around their makeshift chair-fort to swinging them about by their ankles.

Eventually, after they were docile enough to sit in a chair, we put in a DVD. Apparently, The Little Mermaid is just plain scary for a five year old, and The Incredibles is too grown-up. Not according to the parents mind you. These are the words of the five year old.

Anyway, we settled on Mary Poppins. I've only seen this movie a couple times mind you. I never watched it as a kid (a travesty, I'm told), and my wife made me watch it as an adult. Let me just say that Dick Van Dyke is reason enough to watch the movie, but I'd have been interested if it was just 1960's Julie Andrews buttoning her coat for an hour and a half. Arf.

You most certainly may not 'call me sometime.'

However, watching the movie with little kids gave me pause to rethink it a little and I came to see the no-nonsense nanny in a different way. It took all the strength I had not to turn it off right then and there.

I can't believe that Christians, with all their little sensitivities, have let their children watch this for over two generations. Let me show you what I mean.

Why Mary Poppins is a Horrible Role Model for Christians

5. Mary Poppins is incredibly vain - All one has to do is listen to her interview with Mr. Banks to see just how highly Ms. Poppins thinks of herself. After the horse race you can surely see that false modesty is not her strong suit. 'Practically perfect in every way,' my foot. She's practically the blue-ribbon finalist of Vanity Fair.

4. Mary Poppins is manipulative - She's constantly putting ideas into people's heads. Really do you want your children to be able to get you to buy them video games and soda and then turn around and convince you it was your idea? I don't think so.

3. The movie implies that men are stupid - Listen to Mrs. Banks' suffrage song. Maybe this is more of a...personal grief. Still, God put us in charge, so NYEH!

2. Mary Poppins is a dirty drunk - In one of the bedtime scenes, she gives the children some 'medicine.' It's some magic, voodoo liquid candy or something actually, but whatever. The kids like their tasty medicine, which has a different flavor each time. Guess what Mary's is? Rum punch! She even gives a little hiccup afterward. Not only is she a drinker, but she can't handle the sauce.

1. Mary Poppins is a Satanic witch - This one should be a no-brainer folks. She flies in on a cloud, blows the other potential nannies away in a freak gust of wind (monopolize, much?) and takes the job right out of their wrinkly little hands. She slides up the banister in scene reminiscent of Linda Blair's spinning head and displays a number of other magical powers throughout the film. If Harry Potter's bad enough to shield our kids from, surely Mary Poppins should also be bearing the brunt of our wrath.

We Christians pride ourselves on being watchdogs, yet for over forty years we've let this she-devil avoid our damning gaze. We've successfully voiced our outrage over the likes of Harry Potter's bazillion iterations, The Golden Compass and others of their ilk. Don't let the soft spot in your heart for this one stop you from doing the right thing.

And shame on you Disney for like the millionth time. Sheesh.

Because Chocolate is Evil

2008-09-24T21:31:00.012-05:00

We've all seen how people can take an idea with the Bible and run right off of a cliff with it. Here's another entry from the people who brought us the grape pills. They're still running as hot as ever and I found their take on the energy bar. They've named it aptly. Really, what else could they call it?

Be careful though! Even though these are foods sanctioned by God, there are a few warnings I think the company has overlooked. The Bible Bar should not be eaten by:

Atheists
Agnostics
Scientologists
Backsliders
Persons found to be in mortal sin
Persons with the following allergies:
Gluten
Nuts
Religion

The company that distributes this most holy of snacks is called House of David, America's Premier Distributor of Biblical Health Products. They have some interesting insight into the link between what people eat and their health:

Of course it still matters what we eat – otherwise there would be no harm in a diet of junk foods, high fat foods, highly processed foods and high calorie foods. As a matter of fact, nutritional research is showing us that there is a direct link between the diet we follow and the condition of our health. This being the case, then why would you not opt for the most perfect foods God ever created for man?

Isn't that just like a bunch of Christians? Years behind the curve. 3500 years to be exact. I'm wondering if we need to update the Lord's prayer for modern overly-fundamental Christians.

Our Father, who art in Heaven
Hallowed be Thy name
Thy Kingdom come
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in Heaven
Give us this day our daily Bible Bar
For the bread is bleached
And filled with preservatives

------------------------------------------------

Why am I doing two merchandise posts in a row? Well...

I read back through a bunch of the old posts. After all this time I was still thrilled by the response Kinda Kitschy got back then. The blog had real focus back then, and I have to admit, I feel those old posts were much funnier than the recent ones, and even many of the ones before the year hiatus. Where did the funny go? There's still going to be a lot of experimenting going on here, but I feel myself drifting back to my original intention for KK already. You know, we'll see how it goes. I want your feedback folks, especially those of you who have been here since the beginning. You know who you are.

Oh, and send me more kitsch! Many of the most frequent contributors are still reading, so break out those cameras again and make my life easier.

Don't Stand for that Devil Music

2008-09-22T12:02:00.008-05:00

It's a little disturbing to me when I find Christian merchandise I'm pretty sure I never could have made up. Then I realize it's less work for me, so everything's cool.

Do any of you play video games? Sorry, stupid question.

Well, pretend that you do. Those music games are really popular right now. You know the ones. They're called like "Guitar God" or "Satanic Band" or something like that. You strum this fake, plastic guitar and press buttons in time to popular rock 'n roll songs. Sure, that sounds like oodles of fun, you're thinking. But I bet you wish that instead of getting your kicks to soul-corrupting tunes like "Slow Ride" and "Black Magic Woman" (need I say more?) you could jam out to something a little more, I don't know, holy?

No? Well, apparently someone did.

As you can see, this is Guitar Praise: Solid Rock. Get it? Solid Rock? As in "On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand." Clever, eh?

Seriously though, I have to give them some credit for moving beyond the usual Christian video game offering. However the fact that it's yet another attempt of Christians trying to copy what's popular in mainstream culture is a mark against them. I've railed on the Church's apparent lack of originality before.

One indication of just how far they want to take this can be seen in a quote from the game's Features page: "Power Duel Mode sends surprises to mess with your opponent."

Surprises? Seriously? Apparently you can send a bouquet of flowers with a nice note attached, or a box of kittens. I hope they claw your opponent's face off.

The song list does contain a few bands or artists notable for being genuinely talented in a sea of mediocrity (Caedmon's Call, David Crowder Band, Skillet). But there are definitely some questionable choices on there, such as tobyMac. The guy doesn't even capitalize his own name, and that always bothered me.

I think Jesus would even have a hard time listening to that guy droning on for three minutes.

Avast, Ye Salty Dogs!

2008-09-19T10:24:00.017-05:00

Ahoy me hearties! What a great day it is when anyone can greet their mates with a guttural "Arrr!" and a shake of the hook without being considered insane or a serial killer. What do I mean? It's International Talk Like a Pirate Day of course, and what a fine holiday it is!

Now, I understand the concern of Christians in calling something like ITLPD a holiday, especially considering the connotations of piracy, both ancient and modern. We have romantic ideas about pirates who are dashing and clever and make repetitive jokes about rum. Very repetitive jokes. In reality, however, pirates were always thieves and often brutal cutthroats. Today, pirates are still thieves, sailing the digital seas in search of media to pilfer from honest corporations and hide away on the sandy beaches of their hard drives...

Where was I? While this historical picture does nothing to dampen my spirit on this most spirited of holidays, more conservative Christians may feel that this day is something offensive to their sensibilities.

However, Christians have been in the practice of re-purposing Pagan festivals and holidays since we were being fed to lions. We needed something to lighten the mood, right? In light of this most ancient tradition, I present some Christian-friendly alternatives to International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

International Talk Like a Theologian Day - The language of Biblical scholars and theologians can often be just as daunting and confusing as that of pirates. Just go around using words like kenosis, premillenialism and other theological buzzwords. You don't have to know what they mean. Trust me, nobody else does. Not even the theologians.

International Talk Like a Baptist Day - This holiday's name is a little misleading. International Talk Like a Baptist Day doesn't actually involve all that much talking. Mostly you just walk around shaking your head disapprovingly at a lot of stuff.

International Talk Like Jonathan Edwards Day - Easy! Just go around shouting at people about how they're going to burn eternally in a lake of fire and eternal fiery torment for all eternity.

International Talk Like an Emergent Pastor Day - This one is a little harder. This is only doable if you're really hip, or know how to act hip. You have to reference very immediate pop culture and make it a loose metaphor for some spiritual truth. It also helps to drop the name of an obscure band every now and then.

Finally, for those who are a little more daring, not quite so conservative there's:

International Talk Like Jesus Day - This mainly involves speaking in Aramaic and making up lengthy, arbitrary metaphors for the Christian life and the Kingdom of Heaven. Now, I know there are a few of you out there who aren't fluent in Aramaic. That's okay! An alternative is just to begin all your sentences with "Verily, I say unto thee."

So there you go! It's that easy. And for those of you who are partaking of the piratey mischief, here's an actual pirate generator. Have fun, and splice t' mainbrace!

P.S. - I've decided to try out a new look here at Kinda Kitschy! I'd greatly appreciate any feedback you could give me in the comments section!

Merchandise Mondays: Eight Miles High

2008-09-16T21:34:00.010-05:00

This was supposed to be yesterday's post, but the only thing I had time for at the computer was homework. I'll try and continue to do Christian kitsch posts on Mondays. I found this little gem while trolling a Christian bookstore's website:

I took a few minutes to browse the selected portions, including the table contents. I found what looked to be a few pearls of wisdom.

Selected Table of Contents*

Hoo! (Establishing a Firm Identity in Christ)

Cheep! (Honoring God With Your Finances)

Tootwoo! (Why It Really Is A Sin To Kill A Mockingbird)

Terwit Terwoo! (?????????)

*this is totally made up

Humor-Blogs.com is for the birds.

Adventures In Extreme Moral Rectitude (The Tyranny of the Upright)

2008-09-12T10:25:00.007-05:00

I don't know if you know this, but I went to Bible college. Yeah, yeah, I know. I don't seem stuck up enough to be a Bible college alum, do I?

Don't answer that.

I only spent a year there. It was like this year-long Bible study. Actually, it wasn't like that. That's exactly what it was. Honestly, it was the best year of my life. I learned about God's Word in an in-depth way I'd never experienced before. I made a ton of new friends. I met my wife. Meals were shared. Stories were told. Pranks were had. Oh, the pranks they pull at that place.

Then, of course, after I left everything hit the fan. Everything got way more strict than it already was. The guy who recruited me got fired because he dared to recruit from places not affiliated with the school's denomination. This of course, was two years after they'd told him to increase enrollment by whatever means he could, and he raised it 7% each consecutive year he was there.

My good friend got fired because he made a post about what beer he liked on a non-affiliated alumni website. In fact, they told other people they were going to fire him before they told him. He found out via third party. Awkward, right?

They have this document at this school called "The Lifestyle Covenant". It's this document they make you sign that says I will not do this, or this, or this, or that, or this, or this, or that other thing. You notice how they call it a "covenant" to make it sound all Biblical? Yeah, they do that with a lot of things.

It looks kind of like this:

Inexorable Bible College Lifestyle Covenant

1. I will refrain from engaging in sexually explicit behavior, or engaging in behaviors intended to increase physical gratification, or public displays of affection while enrolled at Inexorable Bible College. These behaviors may include.
-Hand-holding
-Kissing
-Sitting on lap
-Fondling
-Baby talk
-Gazing longingly
-Soliloquoys
-Intercourse
-Rainbow parties
-Roman orgies

2. I will refrain from engaging in social dancing of any form, consentual or otherwise, while enrolled at Inexorable Bible College. This includes dancing while at parties, weddings, or around a dining room table with my girlfriends while we drink margaritas. However, dancing a wild dance unto the Lord may be acceptable, so long as I am wearing a loincloth while doing so.
3. I will refrain from the use of alcohol, tobacco, and illegal drugs while enrolled at Inexorable Bible College, even if I am 21 and it's only one glass of Chiraz and grandma's Christmas party and I know the faculty are partaking of the fruit of the vine. If I witness a classmate engaging in the unlawful consumption of aforementioned substances, I will tell everyone I know about it, including the Dean, before I say anything to my classmate about it. In fact, I might forego that last part altogether.
4. Engagements between couples may only become public knowledge at the discretion of the Student Judiciary Board and must meet certain criteria.
The Couple:
-is considered mature enough to enter such a holy state.
-has the permission of the parents, or the marriage has been pre-arranged.
-has presented an acceptable dowry both to the groom's parents and the Board of the College. Cash, livestock, and/or electronics are all considered acceptable dowry.
5. In the event of an election year, I will refrain from voting Democrat.

I'm exaggerating a bit, but it is pretty ridiculous. The thing I can never get over is this "while enrolled at" clause. It means you can't do those things while on campus, off campus, or 600 miles away at home where no one you know has heard of or cares about Inexorable Bible College. My wife had to sign that last year, since she was a student, and was afraid to go out even once with me for a drink.

The hypocrisy of it all amuses and upsets me all at the same time. They never take official stances by saying that it's a sin to drink alcohol, or that the way their churches worship is right. It's like a roundabout way of condemning all that stuff without being legalistic. The faculty is not immune either. I'm sure they think twice before inviting someone over.

Sometimes I can almost hear them wondering aloud why enrollment has dropped.

Joel over at Crummy Church Signs recently celebrated his 4th Blog-iversary! Congratulations, Joel. If you haven't already head over and check out the crumminess.

The larger font is in response to Siouxsieq at Siouxsie's Musings. Hopefully this is a good change for everyone. I've often wondered if the font was too small.

Humor-Blogs.com also likes to dance around tables and drink margaritas with its girlfriends.

Weird Science

2008-09-10T15:57:00.002-05:00

FAKE NEWS NETWORK

Fake News for Real People

In a breakthrough experiment today, scientists fired up the Large Hadron Collider, a seventeen mile pipeline underneath the Franco-Swiss border. It is the world's largest particle collider. The LHC has been under construction for nearly thirteen years, and today was to be considered a red letter day for many scientists. Scientists have spent months quelling rumors that the machine will destroy the Earth. Renowned British physicist declared the machine "absolutely safe".

Some Christian groups have renounced the experiment, citing it as man's attempt to, again, play God. Many have declared that God will use this "last folly" to bring about Armageddon. Rev. Jeremiah Hogwallop who has been using his members' donations to build an enormous bomb shelter for his congregation.

"When that there Doomsday comes, " Hogwallop told reporters, "we's gon' be ready." Scientists have laughed at these doomsayers, calling predictions by Christians to be nothing but "science-fiction."

However, in a surprising turn of events the LHC ripped an enormous hole in the space-time continuum in the early hours of the morning. Or later tonight. It's hard to tell at this point(s).

The attending scientists believe that as the beam travelled around the 17 mile track, it collided with some small piece of matter. The resulting explosion violently ripped a hole in the universe that is, according to scientists, "about the size of an aircraft carrier."

Lead particle physicist Pierre Pamplemousse had this to say (translated): "We were all very surprised. Especially after Hawking said the damn thing was safe. I mean, if you can't take the cripple's word for it, who can you trust? Yeah, this is definitely going to set us back a bit."

The light from the hole is blinding. As it spreads, the consequences of such a catastrophic event multiply. The French government has been attempting to aid the facility's staff in handling the number of temporal anomalies.

"There've been a number of surprises," a spokesperson told FNN. "While trying to close up the tear early on several scientists came face to face with Jesus. He was apparently using the temporal rift to speak with Moses and Elijah. They all asked Him several questions. Apparently He and the prophets just laughed and Jesus winked at them before that particular wormhole closed. It was a troubling experience for all involved."

When asked whether the events could cause any adverse effects, such as the destruction of the entire universe, Pamplemousse told us, "How should I know? I mean, I think I saw myself in the shower yesterday morning. I looked at me and we were both all like 'WTF?!' Isn't that supposed to like shatter the continuum or something? I'm still here."

However, the largest problem for workers to deal with now is the enormous Cthulhu that has recently writhed its way through the growing rift from the foulest corners of beyond to manifest its dark song and make our nightmares flesh.

The Old One Emerges

The French government has had little to say about the event. When asked whether the monstrous demi-god would prove a widespread problem, one official told reporters simply, "Oh God! I can see forever!"

Not Quite Like Riding a Bike (The Trouble with Titles)

2008-09-09T23:24:00.002-05:00

Hello masses, unwashed and otherwise. It's been just over a year since I left you all to your own devices. You're all older and wiser than when I left you. I'm older and...heavier than when I left you.

Don't misunderstand me. It's not like I'm crawling back to you on hands and knees, but, to put this very bluntly, I want you back.

All I know is that I need to get out all these strange, squishy feelings that keep intruding on my me-time. Really, though, I've missed you. You guys were like a second family to me, a second family that I've never met and for all I know could be murderers, rapists, or liberals. Family, yeah. You know who you are.

Everything I said in my previous post is still true. My life with my church family is still as rich as it was, richer even. Like I said before, at the end it felt like all I was doing was complaining. I wasn't adding anything to the dialogue. But I want to come back. There I things I need to say, but it seemed like my sense of humor was being wasted on the cat.

I can't keep doing what I was doing before partly for the aforementioned reasons. I still want to poke Christianity with a sharp stick, to be sure. However, trolling the interwebs for appalling Christian merchandise every other day was getting taxing. I'll definitely still use that as a feature, but it won't be the whole focus of the blog. I've only decided on a couple regular features I want to have here, but I think they're good ideas. Plus it'll give me something to think about in my really boring classes.

Posting might be kind of slapdash until I get the format down. If I can get my hands on what I need I'll be bringing you another post later today to kick off the festivities.

I don't expect everyone to come flocking back. If any old friends show up it'll exceed my expectations. I can't wait to get back into the swing of things.

Same Old, Same Old

2007-06-05T19:27:00.002-05:00

So the move is finished. I am now a resident of Dubuque, Iowa. Everything is unpacked (mostly), and now the only task that remains is finding a job. I applied to a few retail places, but I have to put together a resume for some medical supply company. Much prayer is needed. Thank you.

Sorry for the long hiatus with no interim blogger. I planned to have someone take over during the absence, but I got so caught up in everything I was doing that I just never got around to it. I guess that shows where my priorities lie.

But, this Sunday, I went to church again (a great church, I might add), so I figured it was time to dust off Kinda Kitschy and try again. Considering that everything I'm doing now is new, I thought I should stick with something familiar. Somehow, though, it's just as horrifying as the first incarnation we looked at on KK.

How many times have I done posts on crummy Armor of God incarnations? Three times? Five times? Well I guess that makes it four...or six, I can't remember. We Christians excel at our ability to take a metaphor and turn it into something ridiculous. We do it almost as well as potlucks...almost. Here's a pic I snapped at a Christian bookstore back in St. Louis.

It's a Christian version of those crummy ninja/cowboy/knight/pastor costumes we boys wore when we were kids. I wouldn't doubt that somewhere, floating around in that nebulous vacuum of improbability called Christian merchandise there's a girl's version of this, and it's probably pink with flowers and a veil instead of a helmet. Anything to sell a few extra units.

What I really want to point out is the parent-nabbing description on the box, proving, once again, that marketing is all about spin.

It's not a toy, it's a tool!

I should've gone into marketing.

Humor-Blogs.com is all about spin.

The Indubitably Lame Duo

2007-05-09T19:40:00.002-05:00

Here's a tip: If you ever have to make a change to your internet service, don't. But if you do, get them to tell you the exact date that it will be turned back on. Oh? You didn't know that they'd have to turn it off just to switch the name on the account? Well, apparently they do, and if they're AT&T they have to turn it off for a week, which apparently, is the same thing as the two or three days they quoted us when we originally requested the change.

That being said, let's get down to business. When Satan is tempting you with scantily clad Bathshebas, who comes to your aid? When you find out your friend is downloading secular music, who do you go to for help? When your children are playing video games not pre-approved by your church, who do you call? God? No!

The answer to all these questions is, of course:

You've never heard of Bibleman? Well, let's run over the superhero checklist.

Armor-like, musclebound costume? Check.

Rich? Check.

Goofy archnemesis? Check. Luxor Spawndroth, seen here.

Lame sidekick with lamer name? Check. Cypher, seen here.

Wait a minute. This is all starting to sound kind of familiar...

I feel cheated, cheated and dirty. This is almost as bad as the time I found out that Ace and Gary were gay.

At least, I'm fairly sure they're gay.

Housekeeping note: There's just one week left before the big move. I don't technically have a house in Iowa yet to move into. I'm moving up before my wife and staying with a friend in order to seal the deal. This means I won't have internet for however long it takes for me to find a house. Yes, unfortunately this may mean another hiatus for Kinda Kitschy.

HOWEVER!

Ideally, I would like to find someone who would be willing to guest host Kinda Kitschy for the time that I am without internet. So, here is a want ad for the temporary position.

WANTED: Christian who is funny (but not too funny!) and is willing to troll the deep, dark vortex of the internets every two or three days, find horrible, appalling, slightly ridiculous Christian merchandise and then publicly humiliate it in front of all its friends.

If you're interested in the position, please reply to this post and indicate such, and leave your e-mail address. Or, if you're shy, you can e-mail me here. Then again, if you're shy, this may not be the ideal position for you.

Oh, and I swear, if you're funnier than me, you'll never work in this town again.

What is a hero? A hero is someone who kills people, people who wish him harm. A hero is part human, and part Humor-Blogs.com.

The Hot Chick

2007-04-29T16:34:00.003-05:00

It's hard for me to believe that we've never speared Jack Chick here at Kinda Kitschy. Who is this enigmatic we I'm referring to? That's beside the point.

Some people have referred to Chick's tracts, or at least some of them, as offensive. I think that may be taking a slightly harder line than necessary, but they are definitely, how do you say, fundamental?

So I'm throwing up a classic doozy for your collective disdain today. The Ironic Catholic should find this one especially close to home.

I'll say it. Ouch!

As painful as it is for me to say it, I used to read Chick Tracts and use them for evangelism. Yep, when I used to be a fiery junior preacher, I threw this particular one at my dear, sweet, unsuspecting grandmother. If I remember right, she just read it, set it aside, and went to sleep. She's a smart woman.

I've settled down since then, but Mr. Chick is still printing tracts. I haven't seen any of the new ones, and honestly, I'm probably better off.

While I disagree with much of the theology and practices of Roman Catholicism at large, I've learned that Catholics differ in their belief as often or more than Protestants differ in theirs. However, Jack lumps all Catholics into one category, as I believe he does with Muslims, Jews, and most other people.

Let's all say it together: For it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith. Faith alone, in Christ alone.

'Nuff said.

So let's be a little more forgiving and a little less stereotypical of our brothers and sisters on the other side of the Reformational track. I'm sure they'll appreciate it. And here's my chance to poke a little fun.

Transubstantiation

For all his hubris, Jack Chick never dared call into question the sanctity of Humor-Blogs.com!

Jesus Just Loves the Little Children

2007-04-27T13:09:00.000-05:00

I hate tearing down mom and pop type establishments, but when something is weird, it's just weird. I can't do anything about that. Some of you may recall the Lamp of God.

Well, I found its little brother. This is the Miraculous Jesus Night Light.

And why is the Miraculous Jesus Night Light so miraculous? Because...

...it follows you wherever you go. It's cut in a way that makes it look like Jesus' gaze is following you around. You can find this little piece of Gospel magic at Lil's Crafts & Creations". Here's the blurb from someone I'm guessing is Lil:

This "miraculous" Jesus nightlight is a 3-D image of Jesus, that appears to move & follow you wherever you walk in the room. The images above are all of the same nightlight sculpture, but taken from different angles. Your children will love this nightlight, as Jesus appears to be watching over them wherever they are. Your children may (like mine) receive comfort, security, and relief from those sleepless and scary nights. Each nightlight is custom hand made and painted by a ceramic craftsman (my mom) who takes pride in her work. The light is approx. 6" x 8" x 4: in size. Makes the perfect Christmas gift.

Imagine being a frightened child. You are having a nightmare where some beastly, hairy man with white glowing eyes is chasing you. Suddenly, with great relief, you wake up, only to find yourself staring at a beastly, hairy man with white glowing eyes.

Child: Do you love me, night light Jesus?
NLJ: Yes, child.
Child: Do you watch over me when I'm sleeping, night light Jesus?
NLJ: Of course, child.
Child: Night light Jesus, are you going to eat me?
NLJ: ...probably.

Then his head spins around in a circle.

Wanna see something really scary?

I'm guessing this woman mistakes her children's insomnia and unbridled fear for comfort, security, and relief. Of course, this is all not to mention the fact that, once again, Jesus is a white man...literally.

When I was little I used to dream that I was being chased around my house by a big, scary Humor-Blogs.com.

Rock 'N Roll

2007-04-23T20:22:00.000-05:00

I don't think anyone's noticed that I'm back yet. I guess you can't go silent for weeks on end and and still retain most of your readership. That's okay, though. I'll keep persevering to the (most likely) bitter end. Hopefully, if I make sure at least some of these make it onto Humor-Blogs.com that you, my friends, my colleagues, my only source of validation, will come running back to me with open arms.

Meh. A boy can hope.

I was trolling the interwebs today and stumbled across this little gem (pun intended).

Those are Faith Stones. They're pretty much just little rocks with happy little words on them. Honestly, I don't know what else to say. I haven't the foggiest idea what they're really for.

Tabletop Rock Gardening?

Probably not. Chakra balancing?

Doubt it.

Fun at the lake?

Well, that's probably what I'd use them for. But that seems like a waste of money just for some good skippin' stones.

You know, I used to walk around stores and laugh at all the inane crap that stupid people sell to other stupid people.

Now I always up ashamed when I see this, and realize that people who share my faith are just as bad. Seriously, how can you justify selling rocks? Not even pretty rocks. Just rocks with words on them. I guess they look at the guy who thought of the Pet Rock and said, "Hey look at him! That could be us."

I don't think so guys. I don't think so.

I've been messing around with The Motivator lately and having some fun. Here at Kinda Kitschy we're all about pointing out some of the stranger, quirkier facets of Christianity, so I've been putting together some posters to reflect that. Here's one for all of you.

You came from Heaven to Earth, to show us Humor-blogs.com.

Back With A...Something

2007-04-22T20:21:00.000-05:00

So, today, on my first post since Moses was in diapers, I've decided that it's time to correct a grievous error here at Kinda Kitschy. You may recall a small feature known as "Kitschy Wishes". Now, I don't know if I was high, tired, or just really, really hungry when I came up with that name, but I was thinking the other day of how much it sucks. Finally, God bestowed upon me a revelation of the name that I should have given that feature in the first place:

Kitschy Kreations

Yeah, I know. How did I not think of that before? I mean, I am an English major right? A bad English major, considering that I'm spelling "creation" with a K, but an English major nonetheless. You wouldn't think simple alliteration would be beyond my ken. Oh well.

So that's the new name for posts when I bring you the Christian products of tomorrow straight from my imagination. It just so happens that I have such a treat for you today!

Introducing, the Ford Redemption!

I know what your thinking: That's just a random picture of a Crown Victoria on a golf course!

Well, it's not, okay?

Anyway, the Redemption is America's first Christian car. Ford has always put America first, and what's more American than Jesus?

The Ford Redemption comes with many features exclusive to America's first Christian car, such as a Pre-Installed Jesus Fish!

CD/MP3 Player and Satellite Radio with patented EternaPlay technology which programs your radio with nothing but Christian stations, and keeps it that way!

But best of all, the Redemption features state of the art laser guidance systems, which keep you traveling at or under the speed limit wherever you go!

Another witnessing opportunity from the Redemption!

So take to the road with Jesus and the Redemption, and you'll be singing "In the Highways" before you know it!

My parents conceived me in the back of '79 Humor-Blogs.com!

Just Making the Beds

2007-04-12T20:06:00.000-05:00

So I just ended a week where I travelled from St. Louis to Jefferson City, back to St. Louis, then flew to Ohio, with a layover in Chicago, stayed two days, and flew back to St. Louis, with another layover, then drove to Dubuque, Iowa stayed a night and drove back. I got a lot done but I'm extremely tired.

So, this is just a housekeeping post. I really need some prayer right now. I'm putting together projects for three classes for the end of the semester, and trying to coordinate our move to Iowa. Kinda Kitschy is on hiatus probably at least until the weekend after next, after all my projects are done. I feel horrible for being so sporadic in my posts lately, as I thought I could keep posts coming in the midst of escalating schoolwork and big life changes. I couldn't. I promise, Kinda Kitschy will be back when things settle down. Until then, please pray for me, and if you have the time, send me some more of that kitsch.

Thank you all so much for your love and support, and not believing those nasty rumors that I was dead.

Godly Gaming

2007-03-30T19:47:00.000-05:00

I'm sure you remember our last piece of interactive kitsch: The Bible Game.

I was lucky to stumble on this one with a search for Christian video games. Mostly it comes up with links of people condemning games. I actually found this one through an ad for Godly games.
This one is called "Catechumen":

I can't really say it better or more insanely than the site's blurb.

From N-Lighting.com:

Choose from eight powerful spiritual weapons. Each weapon has its own unique use. Maximize your firepower by learning each weapon's abilities. Find the lighting sword, the drill sword, the explosive staff and more.

Encounter Satan's minions and banish them back to their evil realm. Evil lurks everywhere you turn. With your Sword of the Spirit in hand, you must confront the demons head on and show them nothing can overcome the power of the Holy Spirit.

Restore your spiritual health by finding scrolls containing God's Word. In Catechumen, you survive by faith. When your faith gets too low, pick up the many scrolls scattered across the lands to renew your faith and continue your journey.

Descend deeper and deeper into the depths of the underworld. Your journey will take you into the very heart of evil, through 18 hand-crafted, highly detailed levels. Each level you visit is unique and has its own secrets you must uncover.

Rescue your captured Christian brethren. Your mentor and some of his flock have been taken hostage by the evil Roman Empire, controlled by Satan himself. The forces of darkness and evil will claim a great victory if he does not survive! Take up this quest and fight for the Lord!

These game developers seem to be taking a pretty liberal hand with history. Apparently, Satan personally possessed the Roman emperor. Did he move subsequently from emperor to emperor, like apartment hopping? Anyway, the ancient Roman empire lasted 1200 years. I'd say he did pretty well for himself.

I have a message for the parents out there.

If you really don't like video games, swallow your pride and buy these games for your kids! I guarantee you, once your kids play these games, they will plead with you to never buy a game for them again!

It's the quickest way to stick it to the video game market, trust me.

Sorry about the re-post. Something was wrong with the previous one. The picture was missing and you couldn't make or check comments. So, if this shows up on Humor-Blogs.com twice, sorry, just deal with it.

Dude, I totally just traded in my Nintendo for a new Humor-Blogs.com...
...it's got Blu-Ray.

Oh, and to put a plug in: Children of Men came out on DVD today. If you don't like spoilers, don't read past the third paragraph on that Wikipedia article there.

I personally think it was the best film of 2006. I know that means nothing coming from a guy you don't know from Adam, but believe me when I say that I know a good movie when I see one, and a bad one when I don't. Buy the movie today. In fact, buy it now...RIGHT NOW! You heard me, buy it right now, here!

A Duck Walks Into A Hardware Store

2007-03-15T21:07:00.000-05:00

If your doctor said you had cancer, what kind of options would you expect him to propose? Chemotherapy? Quality over quantity?

Well, if he's a real Christian, I'll tell you what he'll recommend:

Grapes!

Well, not grapes exactly, but grape pills. Well, not just grape pills, but grape skin and seed pills. That's right, Logia Foods Grape Duet capsules.

Logia foods specializes in, if you can't read the logo at the top, "Foods of the Bible". This encompasses a much broader range than you might think, but we'll be covering more of those in later posts.

This one was the March special, and was definitely crazy enough for Kinda Kitschy. I really can't say it better than Logia Foods did. Here is this product's blurb, verbatim:

Grape Skin & Seed Combo Grapes are one of the Bible�s best healing fruits and are considered one of nature�s most medicinal fruits. Grape skins and grape seeds are used in several therapies having excellent results especially in cancerous tumor reduction. Grape skin and grape seeds will help purify the blood, invigorate the immune system, and help strengthen those people who have been weakened by cancer. Grapes are a powerful tonic that can mineralize and renovate the tissues. They help promote the action of the bowel, clean the liver and aid in kidney function. Each Grape Duet vegetarian capsule contains 100 mgs. of grape skin extract and 50 mgs. of grape seed extract.

What therapies are they talking about? And what tissues? It can renovate "the tissues". It sounds like a seedy nightclub downtown. Get it? Seedy? Because we're talking about...

...nevermind.

That whole schlock reminds me of Powdermilk Biscuits.

Made from whole wheat raised in the rich bottomlands of the Lake Wobegon river valley by Norwegian bachelor farmers; so you know they're not only good for you, but pure ... mostly. Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the biscuit on the cover, or in the brown bag with the dark stains that indicate freshness. Whole wheat that gives shy persons the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. Heavens they're tasty, and expeditious!

If you don't know what that is, shame on you.

A duck walks into a hardware store and says to the guy behind the counter, "Got any Humor-Blogs.com?"

Verily, I say Unto Thee, They're Always After Me Providence Charms!

2007-03-13T11:00:00.001-05:00

Miss Kitty from Educated and Poor sent me this. Now, I'm not sure what kind of seedy places she's hanging around at where she can get pictures like this. I'm worried about her. We might need to stage an intervention.

Anyway, here's the piece:

In case you have the eyesight of a diabetic bat, this tie is littered with pictures of golden hearts, folded hands, Crosses, Bibles, and music notes. I'm not really sure what the music notes have to do necessarily with the rest of the items, but oh well.

Hey...this gives me an idea! Hearts, Hands, Crosses, Bibles, Music Notes!

Providence Charms! The Christian Cereal! As Christians, we all know that there's no such thing as luck. Now, you can send that message to the world with your breakfast! Providence Charms, part of a well-balanced breakfast. This commercial interruption brought to you by Kitschy Wishes!

If only I had the photoshop skills of Diesel, of Mattress Police fame, this fake ad would have looked ten times better.

I always start my day off right, with a hearty bowl of Humor-Blogs.com!

It Hurt Her Worse, Apparently

2007-03-08T16:23:00.000-06:00

Finished my last mid-term today. Aced it, as usual. *snap*

Remember that stick (or in my case, coat hanger) that your mother used to keep on top of the refrigerator? I know you do. Don't mind that chill in your spine, it's just a memory.

We all love our home and our mothers, but when she pulled that thing down you might as well have been living in the Tower of London, am I right?

Now some clever Christian has found a devious way to hide that device of holy retribution in plain sight. Now that baby may look like a harmless piece of kitsch, but guaranteed, that is Grade-A, Scripture imprinted butt-whoopin' material, no doubt.

And trust me: it will hurt you worse than it hurts her, every time.

My mother used to beat me about the head with a rusty Humor-Blogs.com.

Teed Off

2007-02-22T17:26:00.001-06:00

As if we weren't working hard enough to perpetuate the idea that all Christians are snooty, middle class, white people, now we have the recreational materials to prove it. Perfect for the Godly golfer sharing the green with those heathens:

In an attempt to be even more petty and commercialized, Christians are now Scripturalizing the most trivial of objects. I guess they're hoping that some lost golf ball will find its way into the hands of an unsuspecting golfer looking for his ball, who will see this...

...and then do this:

...without so much as a second thought.

Yeah, so much for that evangelistic breakthrough.

After being caught in an interstellar storm of gamma rays, this post acquired the power to make people laugh at near supersonic levels, and was quickly recruited for the international superhero league, Humor-Blogs.com!

The Body of Christ

2007-02-18T19:50:00.001-06:00

Once again, it's time for Kitschy Wishes, where I bring to you all the non-existent Christian merchandise that you want to see but are too ashamed to invent!

This week, we bring you the latest in Christian fitness! Move over Dr. Ben Lerner! There's a new Christian health guru in town! You asked for it! No, really, you did. Look here. It's the Cross-Trainer™!

Scripture tells us to imitate Christ in all things, so, why not in the way we exercise, too!

Using state of the art tension "Crosses" that you can adjust to any resistance level, the Cross trainer lets you care for your earthly vessel the Christian way! Plus, you can unlatch the outer Cross to use as a free weight and experience your Lord's journey to Calvary, with that old rugged cross on His back!

Remember, as children of God, we have the mind of Christ, and now, with the Cross-Trainer's™ help, you can be His body, and have it too!

This product was the singular inspiration of Rob from Truth Like the Dark!

Today's kitsch is brought to you by the letter Q and Humor-Blogs.com.

Hospitality or Hostility?

2007-02-15T16:28:00.001-06:00

Joshua 24:15 - ...as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

We've had a piece with that piece of Scripture on it before haven't we?

This really is a great verse, and I don't take any issue with it. What I take issue with is plastering it all over everything in your house.

Like this:

My concern is that plastering this on everything you own might be a little overwhelming, especially for guests who aren't Christians. Not that we should be concerned with what the world thinks, but if you, as a guest, saw this on the guest towels, wouldn't you find it a little...I don't know, confrontational?

Why towels in the first place anyway? Why not the tablecloth, or the shower door, or carve it into the floor? Doesn't it all seem a little Pharisaical?

Anyway, I can imagine my host, as hospitable as they may be, just saying, "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord, and if you don't like it, you can just get the hell out!! That's right! Just get the hell out, you heathen! You're going to hell, so get out, you sinner!"

At this point, they chase me out the door while the dog nips at my heels and the children fling their tiny shoes at me.

*sigh*

Sorry, John. This blog's been outsourced to Humor-Blogs.com. There's a box on your desk. Please be out by five, or we'll have your things removed.

Not Just A River In Egypt

2007-02-11T20:52:00.000-06:00

Thanks to Miss Kitty for this one.

Go ahead. No, it's okay. Just tell yourself that it's because they love Jesus. In fact, maybe we should get you a bumper sticker that says "Honk and flip me off, if you love Jesus!" just to complete the illusion.

Of course, this one is just as bad:

And most versions end with "...any idiot can honk!"

Yes, that's right. If you love Jesus, you must tithe.

John 21:17- The third time He said to him, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?" Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, You know all things. You know that I love You." Jesus said, "Then tithe, you fool! Any idiot can honk!"

Listed on Humor-Blogs.com

Charmed

2007-02-09T21:21:00.000-06:00

So after all this time of tracking down kitsch, I'm starting to think that there could be an entire blog devoted entirely to incarnations of the Armor of God. Take a look at this piece I found.

A charm bracelets with miniature pieces of armor? I think this is a prototype for an entire line of jewelry products. Phase 2 involves rings for each of Israel's twelve tribes, matching "Spirit & Truth" earrings, and a companion to the above product featuring the ten plagues of Egypt.

Honestly, though, when I saw this, I hurt my brain trying to think of something more lame.

Listed on Humor-Blogs.com

30-Day Risk Free Trial!

2007-02-05T16:20:00.000-06:00

It's a short post for today. Miss Kitty from Educated and Poor and the Ironic Catholic have been sending me some good stuff, but I saw this on a car today, and I could not resist.

Wouldn't that be great if salvation had a free trial period?

---

Now for a limited time only, take advantage of our thirty day in-home trial! You pay only shipping and handling fees. Experience the joys and security of salvation through Jesus Christ with no commitment, no obligations, no pressure! If at the end of your trial period you're not completely satisfied, simply send Him back! And don't worry, the devil will always take you back.

---

To the makers of this bumper sticker, who obviously don't believe in eternal security, I have only one thing to say, courtesy of our friend Lex Luthor.

(Warning: If you have not seen Superman Returns, you will not understand this.)

See Message Here

Listed on Humor-Blogs.com

The Church of Me...uh, Be

2007-02-03T09:54:00.000-06:00

I'm sure you've all been at the store, in line for the self-checkout (who doesn't love the self-checkout?) and seen the Church of Oprah's monthly publication, O.

That's right. Oprah's on the cover of every magazine.

I really don't understand what kind of shameless pride it takes to do something like that, but, whatever. That's the world for you.

Apparently, the Joyce has been taking a few pointers from the Oprah.

Yes, that is a Joyce Meyer magazine, with, you guessed it, Joyce Meyer on the cover. Not only that, but if you peek down in the lower right corner there, you can see that Joyce Meyer ministries has got more fun on the way: The Penny, Joyce's "compelling" first novel. Give me a minute while I go pre-order that...

...okay, back.

Honestly, the only thing I could see as remotely compelling about this book is the fact that it compels me to have a book burning.

Can you imagine the conversation between Joyce and her publicist over this one? Seriously, I'm sure it's a Christian company, but the guys must either be unbelievers or incredibly whipped by Diva of the Faith, and I mean that in the worst possible way.

Joyce: Hi, Mike, it's Joyce. Listen, I want to make a magazine.
Publicist Guy: Um, okay, Joyce, whatever you say. What will it be about?
Joyce: Well, me of course...uh, and you know, confidence and living up to your potential and all that jive. You know, the usual.
Publicist Guy: Okay, well, do you have any ideas to work with?
Joyce: Yeah, I've written out a few articles. All I really know for sure is that I want to be on the cover.
Publicist Guy: Wow, Joyce. Don't you think that sounds a little...*gulp*...egotistical. I mean, we are supposed to be a Christian publishing firm. You know, a jealous God, and all that.
Joyce: You idiot! God's not going to be jealous. She's already got her own magazine.

Listed on Humor-Blogs.com

An Explanation

2007-02-03T09:48:00.000-06:00

Some of you may have noticed that it's been over a week since I've posted anything new. Actually, probably all of you have noticed. I apologize.

A number of factors contributed to this. Firstly, school has finally started to buckle down. I've actually had to spend time at home doing schoolwork. Shocking, I know. This is my last semester at this school, and I'll have my associate's degree when this summer comes.

Second, it's been a bit harder do stuff at work lately. They kind of started to crack down on how much we're surfing on the net, because they felt customers weren't being taken care of. I used to do a lot of my posting from work, so that was a big factor. Some time has passed though, and after a while they usually start to cease caring again.

Lastly, a little new hobby of mine has been eating away at some of my free time. I won't go into detail; we'll just refer to it by the codename "Wow".

Anyway, sorry guys, especially Diesel, who's invested somewhat of a business venture in me lately. Kind of disappointing, I know, but thanks for kicking me in the ass.

History in the Making

2007-01-25T16:23:00.000-06:00

Wow, guys, this is huge. I mean, really big. I come before you today to announce an unprecedented development in the world of blogdom.

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Boy, I like Kinda Kitschy a lot. I wish I knew of one convenient site where I could find links to other hilarious sites like Kinda Kitschy"?

Yeah, probably not. But for some reason, my blog is now included on a site collecting snippets from the universe's funniest blogs. That's right, the funniest blogs in the universe. I now have the distinct honor of sharing a singular webspace with the following hilarious people:

Joel from Crummy Church Signs

That One Guy from The Drive-By Blogger

and

Diesel from Mattress Police, who bestowed this distinct honor upon me.

Our funniest posts will now be collected for your previewing pleasure at Humor Blogs.com! Head on over and find out why all those other guys are funnier than I am.

Harry Potter and the Evangelical Backlash

2007-01-22T19:31:00.000-06:00

Virginia Beach, VA: Pat Robertson, author and host of the controversial Christian news program The 700 Club, began a vehement campaign this week to counteract the upcoming release of the seventh Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

"The Harry Potter phenomenon has reached epidemic proportions," he told reporters, "and it's time for the Christians of the United States and Britain to do something about it."

Robertson later told the crowd, which had gathered in front of the Waldenbooks at local Carson Mall in Virginia Beach, that "young children who fall prey to the occultist seduction found in Harry Potter begin an inevitable slide into Satanism that can only be countered by the action of good Christian folks."

Robertson at Carson Mall Waldenbooks

During the forty minute speech, Robertson called for a complete boycott of all Harry Potter merchandise, and any secondary merchandise related to the books, by American and British Christians, saying that God had given him a vision that Rowling's demonic empire was soon destined to fall. "The Lord didn't say it would be a book burning," he told the crowd, "but I do believe it will be something like that."

Robertson told spectators at another gathering that it is their responsibility to support and lift-up "wholesome, Christian alternatives" to Harry Potter and other occultist material.

One such recommendation by Robertson was 2004's Shadowmancer, by G.P. Taylor. Robertson and other Christians in Europe and the U.S. have been calling Taylor's Shadowmancer a "Christian response to Harry Potter". Robertson continued to tell the crowd that anyone who chooses Rowling's stories over "good, Christian literature, like Shadowmancer, surely doesn't know the Holy Spirit."

Robertson at a local Borders book store.

He described the Harry Potter marketing craze as "destructive" "evil", and "a greater threat to society than global warming."

Robertson finished up the day's local speaking tour at a Barnes & Noble, where he became impassioned and accused J.K. Rowling of being possessed by a demon herself.

Soon after the accusation was made, the event exploded in a flurry of activity. Spectators moved aside and gasped in wonder as Harry Potter himself ran through the crowd and attacked Robertson with some sort of strange red lighting that apparently caused Robertson's head to swell to twice its normal size.

Harry Potter Putting a Stop to Robertson's Tirade

"I don't fight rock trolls, bloody Death Eaters, and the Dark Lord himself just to listen to some wanker tell me I'm the bad guy," Potter told the crowd.

Upon realizing that Robertson was either unconscious or dead, the crowd burst into a rowdy applause, but soon quieted and dispersed when the boy wizard disappeared as suddenly as he had arrived.

When emergency crews arrived, a half-conscious Robertson was just stirring behind the podium. When asked by reporters whether he would continue his cross country campaign as planned, he stated that he would "continue the fight" through his numerous media connections, and that his "spirit would not be dampened."

Listed on humor-blogs.com

Kitschy Wishes to All!

2007-01-17T19:43:00.001-06:00

I've decided to test out a new regular to semi-regular feature here on Kinda Kitschy. Now, I know what you're thinking. Where's T-Shirt Tuesday been for the last two weeks? I assure you T-Shirt Tuesday is safe and sound sitting in a box where I placed him or her for the duration of the holidays. I just forgot where I put the box.

Anyway, the new feature is tentatively called Kitschy Wishes, and it goes something like this: every week or two I will come up with some absolutely ridiculous piece of completely fictional Christian merchandise, and I will post a completely fictional advertisement for said product on Kinda Kitschy.

Sounds fun, no?

So, borne from my work shift boredom, here is the first installment of Kitschy Wishes! Enjoy!

-----

Does sitting back in your favorite La-Z-Boy make you feel, well, lazy? Does reclining back and watching the tube make you feel like a boob? Don't you just wish something would come along that could let you relax and serve the Lord? If so, you might just call our next product...a Godsend!

Christistuff Industries proudly presents:

The JesuSeat™!

At first glance, the JesuSeat™ may look like any ordinary recliner, but we promise you, it isn't!

First, feel the warm relaxation as you sit in your new JesuSeat™, and rest your head against the face of your Savior! Located behind Jesus' face is a fully programmable MP3 player to listen to those new Christian rock tunes, or sermons, complete with noise cancelling headphones!

The JesuSeat™ comes equipped with a writing desk perfect for jotting down prayer requests, preparing notes for your Sunday sermon, or taking Bible study notes! But forget that old leather and paper Bible! It's time to introduce you to the 21st century! That's why the JesuSeat™ comes with a custom JesuSeat edition electronic NIV Bible, with fully searchable concordance, swivel mounted for group teaching convenience!

But, wait! There's more!

Pull away the footrest cover to find a fully-functional stainless steel sink with retractable faucet! No more filling messy buckets to wash each others' feet! With the all-new patented FootSink™, you can show your love and humility toward your brothers and sisters in Christ, and lavish them in comfort at the same time!

Who wants to sit around like a lazy bum all day? With the JesuSeat™ you can praise in comfort!

And, remember, WWJL™! Where would Jesus lounge?

More Modern Masterpieces

2007-01-15T21:23:00.000-06:00

Thomas Kinkade! You know him. You love him...or at least, most of Christendom does.

Frankly, I don't see why.

Sure, if you like all your art to use the same colors and for most of them to look nearly unidentifiable from one another, then, yeah, I guess he's okay.

I can describe nearly any Thomas Kinkade painting to you without ever having seen it. First, there will be some sort of structure, usually a cottage, maybe a castle as above. Secondly, it will probably be either sunset, or sunrise, or if not, there will be some sort of foliage or other to diffuse the light. Either way, there will be some softened source of natural light. Thirdly, it will look happy. It won't make you feel happy, at least not if you're me, but it will look happy and cute.

What would you have to do to a Kinkade painting to get me to buy it? I don't know...maybe, something like this:

Okay folks, meaning brothers and sisters in Christ, I have a bone to pick. How have our tastes become so pedestrian? Take literature for instance! We have some of the greatest minds since the Reformation among our ranks. We used to read Chesterton, and Lewis, and MacDonald. Now what do read?

LaHaye and Jenkins.

I'm sorry, but it's all very wrong. Kinkade is not the problem, but simply one of the symptoms. He wouldn't be so popular if you didn't buy his crappy, cliche paintings. We have a connection with the most creative being in the Universe. I know I've said it before, and maybe I'm beating a dead horse, but how is it that our creative faculties have become so handicapped, so numb? Our Father invented the stars, the oceans, and all the life therein. He invented us, and formed us from Clay. Yet, somehow, we, who should have the market cornered on art, disqualify so much that could serve as inspiration, paint ourselves into our little corner, and thus cut off circulation to our heart, our creative organ.

Note: I realize this post isn't too original, drawing from Kinkade as the subject matter. I would like you all to know that my decision to do it stemmed simply from my wish to ridiculously deface a Kinkade painting...digitally, anway. Thank you.

Listed on humor-blogs.com

Censorchip

2007-01-12T16:53:00.000-06:00

Okay, so here's a first. I'm going to come right out and say, this time, that this gripe might just be my opinion. In fact, I can even understand why some people might want an item like this

On the other hand, as an artist, this kind of thing aggravates me to no end. Some of you may have heard of a little box called a TV Guardian. The TV Guardian is a computer that, when plugged into your TV, recognizes adult language and filters it out.

This might not be so bad if it didn't replace the missing dialogue with closed captions. Now, I know it's a valid question to ask what else could they replace it with. I know they don't have the actors' voices recorded on the box. My best friend's mom had one of these growing up. We watched The Usual Suspects, on one occasion, and I remember listening to silence for the majority of the movie. I'm sorry, but this thing can definitely ruin some seriously good shows and movies. I remember it even filtered out "darn". How Puritanical can you get?

Just look at how the TV Guardian would take a wonderful, hilarious movie like Snatch, and shoot arguably it's best scene to pieces:

----

Bullet Tooth Tony: So, you are obviously the big [jerk]. The men on the side of ya are your [jerks]. There are two types of [jerks]. There are big brave [jerks], and there are little mincey [stupid] [jerks]

Vinny: These are your last words, so make them a prayer.

Bullet Tooth Tony: Now, [jerks] have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell [coward] and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old [coward], and have brought your two small mincey [stupid] [jerks] along for a good old time. But you've got your parties mangled up. There's no [coward] here, just a dose that'll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a [jerk], you are having second thoughts. You are shrinking, and your two little [jerks] are shrinking with you. And the fact that you've got "Replica" written down the side of your gun...

[Zooms in on Vinny's gun, which reads 'REPLICA' in bold letters down the side]

And the fact that I've got "Desert Eagle point five O"...

[Places his gun on the table, which reads 'DESERT EAGLE .50']

Written down the side of mine...should precipitate your [jerks] into shrinking, along with your presence. Now... [gosh] off!

----

Admittedly, my language is colorful from time to time, so it's almost a given that I would be against something like this. But, honestly, sometimes a character just isn't the same when you take away the language they use, rough though it might be. That's one reason that unsaved characters in Christian movies and books are never believable. They always seem like Christians acting like non-Christians, or caricatures from the Evangelical point of view.

Our job is to monitor what our kids watch, not to spend a hundred dollars on a glorified baby-sitter to do it for us.

However, since I am a magnanimous fellow, if you'd like to purchase one of these devices, you may do so here:

Family Christian Stores - TV Guardian 201 Series

Everything to Everyone

2007-01-09T16:39:00.000-06:00

"Ever wished the Bible was as easy to pick up as your favorite magazine?" asks one Christian bookstore advertisement. No, I don't. If that were the case I might treat the Bible with the same indifference, or in some cases, disdain, that I treat most magazines with.

However, despite my feelings to the contrary, apparently some publisher thought it necessary to turn the Bible into a magazine. Many different magazines, in fact, known as BibleZines. Wow! It seems our creativity, especially in coming up with names for things, has reached its zenith, don't you think? There are magazines for every age group, and for the most part, each magazine has a male version and a female version. It's really unbelievable how many of these things there are, so let me show you, proceeding by age group. There's:

Magnify, the kids magazine for girls and boys!

Blossom, for pre-teen girls!

Explore, for pre-teen boys!

Refuel, for teen guys! (Anybody see the hook there?)

Revolve, for teen gals! (Looking, obviously, like a fashion magazine, because we know that all teenage girls obsess over their looks.)

Becoming, for today's woman!

Align, for modern men!

Redefine, for baby boomers!

Also, Divine Health, for hypochondriacs!

However, my personal favorite would have to be:

Real, for urban youth!

That's right. We all knew it was coming. It was inevitable, like westward expansion, or conservative backlash against the Bush administration. We all thought if we ignored it, it might not happen, but there it is: a hip-hop Bible!

John 21:17 BPV (Big Pimpin' Version)
Jesus: Yo, Simon Bar-Jonah, called Peter! You love me, son?
Peter: Dawg, You know I gotcho back!
Jesus: If you love me, feed my hos, dawg!

Something tells me what publishers are really shooting for is that folks will be in a Barnes and Noble somewhere and will come across one of the few that they might carry and pick it up thinking it's a real magazine. Then again, they might get wallet shy at the register wondering why a magazine costs $20.

Personally, I've always been a little uncomfortable with changing or redesigning the Bible for different people, you know, beyond normal translation differences and study Bibles. There are children's Bibles, teen Bibles, student Bibles, women's Bibles, men's Bibles, bad girls of the Bible Bibles, clown Bibles, senior executive quality control technician's assistant Bibles. I mean, really, it's out of hand.

We don't take The Scarlet Letter and illustrate it and dumb it down to make The Scarlet Letter Read and Learn Book for Kids do we? No, we don't. I know, I know, the Bible is God's message to man and the most important thing we can ever read. But maybe if we spent more time teaching our kids about life, we wouldn't have to buy Bibles jampacked with all sorts of life lessons and tips and tricks, would we?

------------

On a side note, after much nagging and bugging on my part, and much kicking and screaming on his, my brother has finally started a blog. You can find it in my blogroll. It's called No Accounting For Taste, and his blogger profile is under the name Cooper McEnroy. It's a blog that will be filled, from what he tells me, with movie reviews, both old and new, and essays on film in general. It was borne out of his disappointment with the state of the movie industry, and movie-goers themselves. It is a frustration I share with him. He's a new blogger, so check him out and give him some support. He's already posted a welcome and a great review for the new movie Children of Men.

We Have A Winner!

2007-01-07T19:37:00.000-06:00

As some of you may remember, or actually, probably don't remember, there was a rather fabulous contest here at Kinda Kitschy over the holiday. All you had to do to be a contestant was send in a picture of some crummy Christmas gift you received this season. Unfortunately, the response was rather lackluster, or, more appropriately, non-existent.

There was, however, one contestant, and a fairly famous one in my little cyber circle. That's right! The Ironic Catholic from her self-named blog, The Ironic Catholic, sent us a picture of a gift that was given to her son. Want to know the best part? Not only was it a crummy gift, but it was kitsch too! Take a look:

Samson, Delilah, and guards.

Noah's wife and daughters-in-law.

Okay, so the first thing I'm wondering is why Samson has no arms; I'm guessing that's why he is screaming like that. Secondly, I'm going to have to give props to Noah's son for possibly being part of the first interracial couple in history (see second girl from left).

Anyway, for her participation in the aforementioned contest she is the winner by default. She will be receiving an Amazon gift certificate worth an undisclosed amount. I'll bet you all wish you'd sent those pictures now, huh? Congratulations, IC! You deserve it!

I Wonder What God Pays In Property Taxes

2007-01-04T14:53:00.000-06:00

Much thanks to Miss Kitty from Educate d and Poor for sending me this horrid little piece of memorabilia.

First of all, I'm wondering if the driver is talking about himself or the car. Because, if it means the car, someone needs to have a little talk with God about how rude it is to take up two parking spaces. If the driver means himself, then, well, duh. God made everybody. Sheesh.

A One Trick Pony

2007-01-03T00:21:00.000-06:00

I would like to take a moment to announce the release of a brand new blog on my part. It is my undertaking of Project 365, which asks you to take a photo every day for one year. Some people are taking photos of things that remind them of that particular day, some are taking pictures of themselves. I'm going to try and blend those concepts and take pictures of memorable objects or visuals from that day and throw myself into the as many pictures as possible. Take a look; I could use your support.

Project 365: My Daily Visual

Additionally, some of you may not be aware that I actually had a blog before this one, more beloved though it may be. Just yesterday it was still called "The First Sketch", however, considering my renewed efforts to keep up with it, I have changed the name and the layout. It contains some of my more serious, faithful thoughts on Christ, faith in general, love, among other things. I need it sometimes, to balance out the cynicism I let flow here. Anyway, now the blog is called:

The Know It All's Guide to Humility

So check them both out. I would love for you all to become regular readers all around.

Year End Wrap-Up: 2006!

2007-01-02T16:59:00.000-06:00

Well, folks, it's that time of year. A time for looking back, retrospecting, thinking about all the ups and downs of 2006, and relentlessly poking fun at them. You may have noticed that I have been mysteriously silent for the past week or so, and I know you've missed me, so I'll reveal to you the reason for my absence: I was taking a break. Probably not a good excuse, but it's the truth. I played a lot of video games. Anyway, to make it up to all of you, I bought you all presents; well, a present to be exact. You'll all be receiving copies of:

(Make your own here.)

You should be receiving them in the mail in about a week or so. So, I thought I'd take this time to give you a list of some of my top fives for 2006, and a list of resolutions, as that seems to be the customary blogger thing to do.

Without further ado, presenting the first annual Kinda Kitschy New Year's Top 5 Awards!

Top Five Movies
5. Superman Returns
4. The Prestige
3. Casino Royal
2. Little Miss Sunshine
1. Thank You For Smoking

Top Five Artists/Albums (That I Discovered in 2006)
5. Caedmon's Call: In the Company of Angels II
4. Damien Rice: 9
3. Sufjan Stevens: Seven Swans
2. Belle and Sebastian: The Life Pursuit
1. Sufjan Stevens: The Avalanche

Top Five (and 72nd) Television Shows (That I Watch Regularly)
72. Smallville
5. Mythbusters
4. C.S.I.
3. Heroes
2. Arrested Development (*sniffle*)
1. Battlestar Galactica

Top Five Video Games (That I Played)
5. Doom 3
4. Jade Empire
3. Fable: The Lost Chapters
2. The Sims 2
1. Half-Life 2

Top Five Blogs
5. Educated and Poor
4. Bob.Blog
3. The Ironic Catholic
2. Say No To Crack!
1. Mattress Police

Top Five Resolutions (That I Will Keep)
5. Once monthly, I will regret having paid eight dollars to see The Fountain.
4. I will send more signs to Joel.
3. I will backdate a post to make it look like I posted on time at least twice this year.
2. I will neglect posting if I "just don't feel like it", after which I will fulfill number 3, at least twice this year.
1. I will, at some point, be forced to actually go out and look for kitsch.

There you have it: my greatest hits of 2006. If you made the list, congratulations! If not, you really should try harder. I'm not terribly intelligent, therefore not too hard to please. Really, get the lead out.

I leave you all with this, an ode to John Stewart, your moment of kitsch:

Please direct all messages, morals, and customized captions to the comment area. In other words, snark this one yourself!

The Problem With Christmas #1

2006-12-24T09:55:00.000-06:00

#1: Believers

What?! Of all the things I've mentioned so far, how could true believers in Jesus Christ be the number one problem with Christmas.

Think about it. If there's a problem with something faith-related, who else can we blame it on? We have an infinite, infallible God, we have our Savior, the Son of our infallible God, and we have the Bible, which is the message written to us by our infallible God.

Thanks to Rowan for the pic.

So we're pretty much stuck with the human element: us. There are believers who constantly complain about all the things that are wrong with Christmas. The plays, and nativities, and the commercialism bother them, but what do they do about it? Nothing, but rant and rave and hope people are listening.

Wait, who am I talking about? Could it be? Could I be part of the problem? You bet, I'm tossing myself right in there too. We complain and we complain, but what do we do the rest of the year to counteract the problem? Do we focus our energies on prayer, and study, and making it easier for the Spirit to make us more like Jesus? No, we fuss and we curse those around us, we cheat, we lie, we give Jesus a bad name. Then, when Christmas comes around, people like me want to sit around and type up series of blogs about all the things that are wrong with Christmas.

Most of all, we're what's wrong with Christmas. We have to get our act together, shape up. If you think about it, if we could do that, if we could fix this one problem, ourselves, the domino effect would take over and a lot of the other problems would be fixed automatically.

If we spent more time talking, really talking to people about Jesus, maybe the true meaning of Christmas would come shining through, and people wouldn't care so much about toys and TV specials. If people were thinking more about Jesus and grace at Christmas time, maybe they wouldn't threaten their kids with no presents when they act up. If that happened, kids wouldn't be working to earn their gifts, and Santa Claus would become nothing more than a fun Christmas story.

Of course, if believers would shape up and learn to relate more to non-believers, maybe we could all forget this whole war on Christmas, and learn to all remember that Christmas isn't about all our human traditions. We'd also probably be able to correct all the inaccuracies in those nativity scenes and Christmas plays and finally make some Biblical, truly moving Christmas art.

So then, the problem really lies with us, doesn't it? We can complain all we want and talk about doing the right thing and changing the world, but unless we pray and work for it, we're just blowing smoke.

We're are the responsible ones. We're Christ's representatives here on Earth, after all, and, like I've said before, it's really time for us to start acting like it.

The Problem With Christmas #2

2006-12-24T08:19:00.001-06:00

#2: Commercialism

Most people, young and old, believer and non-believer will probably tell you that this is the biggest problem with Christmas today. But not me. Now, I know it may seem like, because this one falls right down the alley with Kinda Kitschy, that I would make it number one. What can I say? You're right: Kinda Kitschy is about the horrors of faith-infused commercialism. But even more, Kinda Kitschy is about how commercialism impairs believers to do the things they're suppposed to be doing on this Earth.

So I promise you, number one will fall right in with that theme. Have I ever let you down?

That being said, let's get down to brass tax; it's time to rant.

Let's just say it and get it out of the way: Jesus is the reason for the season!

Sometimes, as I go around during Christmas time, I feel like Luke 2:10-11 should be re-written thus:

But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today, in the town of David, toys have been bought for you. Christmas trees at closeout prices! TV specials and last minute sales! Don't forget that Tickle-Me Elmo! Your child will hate you if you do!"

Today, it's absolutely impossible to seperate the idea of Christmas from all the must-do hullabaloo of the season: picking out a tree, Christmas shopping, made for TV movies.

What is the idea of Christmas? I've said it over and over again for the last five posts: God the Father sent His Son, His only Son, to become a man; to love us, teach us, and die, so that our sin, that foul nature that kept us from Him, could be taken out of the way.

Charlie Brown: Isn't there anyone out there who can tell me what Christmas is all about?

Linus Van Pelt: Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you. Lights, please.
[a spotlight shines on Linus]

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not, for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you this day is born in the City of Bethlehem, a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; you shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel, a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men'".

That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie brown.

The Incarnation, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, that inn, that manger, and those shepherds are all connected irrevocably to the Cross.

But we don't have time for any of that. What with finding one of those oh-so popular Wii's, throwing the perfect Christmas party, and Rudolph, Frosty and Santa, who can find time to remember that all of it, every last bit, meant absolutely nothing to Christ on that night in Bethlehem? He came for us; we were what mattered.

None of the things I've mentioned so far, Christmas trees, TV specials, buying gifts, Christmas parties, giving gifts, are bad, insofar as they hold they're proper place, which very few of us allow them to do. They tend to run us over.

If you feel things getting too commercial for your tastes, just remember what the Grinch said. Yes, the Grinch:

It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
It came without packages boxes, or bags!
And he puzzled and puzzled, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more."

It does. It means a whole lot more; it means our sin forgiven, our hearts repaired, and eternal life with the God who provides our every need.

The Problem With Christmas #3

2006-12-21T22:17:00.000-06:00

#3: The Nice List

While this post could be geared toward parents who choose to let their children believe in Santa, I'm not just talking about Santa's nice list, I'm talking about the general idea of the nice list.

I know of parents who tell their kids to be good in anticipation of Christmas, to imply that better behavior warrants more, or better, gifts. This really is a diabolical system, not in line with what Christ would have for us at all. Why?

Because all the time we're telling our children to be good, they think that those brightly wrapped packages under the tree will be gifts. But they won't be. No, after our children have worked so hard to keep from talking back, to share with their brothers and sisters, and take out the trash, those crisp, colorful boxes and bags are rewards, not gifts.

And there is a distinct difference between a gift and a reward.

When God sent His son to us, to love us, teach us, and die for our sins, that was a gift, the greatest gift ever. We didn't do anything, not a damn thing, to deserve that:

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)

Not only were we without merit deserving of Christ's sacrifice for us, but we were actually at enmity with God. God gave the greatest gift ever to people that hated Him.

A reward, however, is something that someone works to earn. If you tell your children to be good or Santa will give them coal, or that they might not recieve such a myriad of gifts, be sure to tell them that you're not giving them presents simply because you love them.

Make sure to tell them what you're really doing is paying them.

The Problem With Christmas #4

2006-12-20T17:10:00.000-06:00

#4: Santa Claus

I love watching "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" every year around Christmas time. I love the entire Santa mythos. I think that he is a great reminder at this time of year of humanity's better moments: moments of kindness, charity, and love.

But, as Christians, we have to admit that there's something amiss when during the season where we should remember the Incarnation, our kids are more concerned with a fat old man in an elf suit. They're more concerned with toys.

The story of God becoming a man, coming into this world, is far more exciting than a big jolly elf who delivers toys once a year. God's gift of His Son is the greatest gift anyone has ever received, and shouldn't we want to make that more real to our children? Santa is at this spot in the list because he draws focus away from the true reason of Christmas: Christ.

I don't think he's diabolical, or threatening our children's faith, but at least with the previous entries they were looking in the right place. I'd rather my kids be mistaken and thinking about Jesus during Christmas than having a one-track mind for Santa and the toys he brings.

I think we should let Santa's stories be a fun part of Christmas, but let them be just that: stories. However, if you choose to let your kids believe in Santa, that's your choice, but please, please don't let Jesus get lost in the scramble for fun and toys.

Crappy Christmas Gift Contest!

2006-12-19T19:34:00.000-06:00

Due to the lackluster (read: complete lack of) response to the original Christmas contest, we have amended and extended and come up with a new contest, now with less legwork!
It's the Kinda Kitschy Crappy Christmas Gift Contest!

Yay, for nearly perfect alliteration. I couldn't find a synonym for gift that started with a "K" sound.

All you have to do is send in a photo of the crummiest, crappiest Christmas gift you recieve this year, with an explanation of what makes it so crummy. Then, after the New Year, we'll put up a poll to decide whose is really the crappiest.

First place will get a super neat-o prize. Runners-up will each get complimentary hugs. Isn't that simple?

So have those cameras ready on Christmas day! I will update the contest daily to present people's crappy gifts as I receive them.

The Problem With Christmas #5

2006-12-19T17:52:00.000-06:00

#5: The War On Christmas

We've heard it for years. Retailers barring Salvation Army bell ringers, employees who aren't allowed to say "Merry Christmas", holiday trees.

Political conservatives have been trying to convince us forever that there's some sort of secular-progressive war on Christmas. I say heartily that there is not, or rather, what is being done to "secularize" or "pluralize" Christmas hardly amounts to a war at all, and we really shouldn't be as preoccupied with it as we are.

What we, as Christians in the west, need to realize is that whether we like it or not, we live in a multi-cultural, pluralist society. Around us every day are Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, and Atheists who probably don't celebrate Christmas. Businesses, being what they are, have to be sensitive to this. This war on Christmas is primarily an American concern, rather than a Christian concern. Conservative Americans, who primarily call themselves Christians, are terrified of losing their previously dominant identity, and so they make it about Jesus, but it's really not.

Christmas isn't even really based on Christ's birth. He wasn't born in December. Some of the ancient Christians chose to celebrate the Incarnation at this time to oppose some pagan festivals going on at the same time.

Even if there were a war on Christmas, what would we really be fighting for? Our true, Christian beliefs, or our identity, our traditions? And haven't we, traditionally, thrived under persecution anyway? Yes, but it wouldn't matter, because we've been on top for a while, and we like it here. Then again, I go back to the point that it's not really us, but the American Christian identity.

Why do I feel like the War on Christmas is something negative about the Christmas season, rather than just misinformed? Because it causes us to focus our energies in the wrong places. We get all worked up for stupid reasons, which culminate in protests and hard feelings on all sides. We could be focusing them into productive things like caring for people who will not only have no gifts to give their children, but no tree to put them under, and no food for Christmas dinner.

We could be doing the work of Christ during the Christmas season, but instead we're protesting, doing the work of the average American and the conservative pundits. Instead of focusing on loving our traditions, let's remember what Christmas is really about:

Loving others.

The Problem With Christmas #6

2006-12-19T01:47:00.000-06:00

#6: Nativities

Number six on the "What's Wrong With Christmas" list suffers from the same maladies as the previous entry. For an easy guide to what's wrong with Nativities, head on over to Going Jesus and take a look at the Cavalcade of Bad Nativities. Hopefully, Sara, who runs Going Jesus, won't mind me stealing one of her pics as an example.

So take, for instance, the Inflat-O-Tivity!

As Sara comments, "Of course it lights up!" There are nativities with ducks, dogs, snowmen and everything in between. And, just like those darned Christmas plays, they make us look at the Incarnation and go "Awwwwe! Look at the cute cuddly-umpkin puppies!" if that is the horrible nativity you happen to have chosen this year. I feel sorry for those kids in the moment that they wake up one Christmas morning, years from now, look out on their lawn, and realize, in abject horror, what a mistake they have made.

Also, many, many nativities suffer from the same misreading of the Bible as Christmas carols. Ride around town and look at the nativities, and there are those damn wise men again. People just can't resist shoving those magi in with Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the veritable barnyard parade of animals, which is again, bad exegesis.

So why, you ask, is this number six on the countdown, instead of thrown in with seven? Because, unlike Christmas carols, this is a purely visual stimuli, which usually has a more powerful impact. Also, you may see one, maybe two Christmas plays this year, or none, if you're lucky.

But how many nativities will you see? Well, depending on what kind of town you live in, you might see one on every other lawn you drive past. So, then nativities seem to be a much more noticeable problem than carols or Christmas plays. That's why they are number six on the "What's Wrong With Christmas" countdown.

It's true that a visual reminder of Jesus birth can help us retain the preciousness of that moment, but, dear God, don't let it be with Precious Moments. Jesus birth is powerful, not cute, so if you want a nativity under the tree, or on the lawn, or roof, or wherever, find one that communicates that. And for all our sakes', leave the magi out of it.

Feel Free to Stare In Awe

2006-12-18T11:38:00.000-06:00

Yes, that is a picture of my desktop, with a small picture of me in the center, helping Sufjan hide from all his rabid adoring fans. I am Time's person of the year. Of course, if you're reading this, feel free to edit the image for yourself, because you are too.

If you haven't heard, Time's person of the year this year was anyone creating content on the web. Of course, Time also gave it to anyone using content on the web, but I'm narrowing it down a bit.

So congratulations. Give yourself a pat on the back. You deserve it...probably.

The Problem With Christmas #7

2006-12-17T18:04:00.000-06:00

I've been tossing around the idea of doing a Christmas series for a few weeks. I didn't know what to do because I felt it would just turn out being a rehashing of what I've been doing except with nativities, or Christmas tree ornaments, or drunk Santas.

Always the believer that freshness is better than beating a dead horse, I decided to take a slightly more serious route. I want to take the next week to talk about some things I find wrong with Christmas and the whole season in general.

Now, before someone gets up in arms about my personal blasphemy in saying something could be wrong with Christmas, read this post about Christmas over at Think Christian. Maybe it will give you a little perspective about how God might feel about Christmas.

Protest or Celebrate?

So, without any further ado:

#7: Christmas Plays and Carols

What could possibly be wrong with all those cute little Christmas plays, and the carols we love so much? On a list of things wrong with Christmas, it's last for a reason, but it's still on there.

The less egregious error from a scholarly standpoint, but perhaps the more insidious one is committed by Christmas plays every year. I, myself, once starred in a Christmas program, for a church, with a sheep as a main character. It was a comedy of course. Diesel over at Mattress Police recently had the pleasure of attending a school Christmas play which starred Elvis, James Brown, and Garth Brooks as the three kings. Cool, huh?

Linus as "The Shepherd"

What's the problem with these things? Well, generally they accomplish little more than to make Christmas seem silly to us. It becomes a game and something fun to do after school. These funny little productions deaden us to the beautiful message of God become man. We're talking about the Incarnation here, people, not an ABC Christmas special.

Coating your front walk in ice is usually an effective deterrent.

So, what about Christmas carols? They, along with the Christmas plays, present more of a danger for cultural Christians and the unbelieving public than for committed believers. Unfortunately, many people who have not read the Bible get a lot of their information from really bad sources, Christmas carols included. Many Christmas carols, and plays, commit the sin of bad exegesis. Here are just a few examples:

We Three Kings: The Gospels never speak of kings coming to visit Jesus. Matthew speaks of magi, or wise men. The plays really mess it up when they show the wise men visiting Jesus on the night of His birth. The Bible never reveals when the magi came, although Herod's decree to kill all male children under two years of age, suggests that Jesus could have been as old as two years before the men came bearing their gifts.

Away In A Manger: Although Luke says that "[Mary] wrapped Him in cloths and placed Him in a manger" (Luke 2:7), it does not say that he was born in a barn, as the line "the cattle are lowing" would imply.

Hark! The Herald Angels Sing: Despite this song being one of my favorites, it really isn't Biblically correct in its discussion of those herald angels. Then again, neither is the majority of the Western world. We practically worship the created servants of God.

Anyway, back on track. The angels weren't singing. After being told by an angel of the Lord about the infant Christ born in the town of David, "a great company of the Heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom His favor rests.' " (Luke 2:13-14)

I know it seems like I'm making mountains out of molehills here, but when it comes to Scripture, it's important to get the details right.

So, please, don't think that I don't want you to enjoy singing those Christmas carols. They are a lot of fun. Just keep in mind what's correct and what is Christmas myth as you go from door to door. Help keep people from building their theology from carols.

Oh, and put a little thought into the Christmas pageant this year. Remember that we're talking about very serious, world-shattering stuff here. If the play can communicate that, you're on the right track.

Brother Ernie

2006-12-16T08:28:00.000-06:00

Rubber Ducky, you're the one!

I would love to play with these in the tub. I'd get a whole bunch, and make a little ducky congregation. Then G.I. Joes would come in and persecute them in the name of Antichrist.

This one was sent to me by Diana. She remarks, "As if there aren't variations on the humble yellow ducky..." Thanks, Diana.

Call Me Jesus

2006-12-12T21:14:00.000-06:00

Happy T-Shirt Tuesday, everybody!

Let's just hope that Living Water isn't $4.50 a cup. Then again, if Jesus is like Starbucks, at least we know that Heaven'll be good music and strong coffee.

How about this? Instead of wearing crappy parodies of a good coffee shop, why don't we take our friends out for coffee there? You know, actually tell them about Jesus? You'd be surprised what a little coffee and conversation can accomplish.

Oh, and if anyone's wondering about the declining frequency in posts, it is intentional. I needed to make things easier on myself. Projects are due and finals are here. Also, I want to make sure I leave myself some material on the web.

I'm afraid that soon I'm actually going to have to go out into the world and do some legwork myself. That's also why you should start sending me stuff!!

Son in the Sun

2006-12-07T19:04:00.000-06:00

As Christians, we should make it our mission to take the gospel to new places everyday. That being said, many thanks to Rainbows and Promises, an online Christian gift store, for giving us a new mission field! The pool and/or beach! So, really, we have two new mission fields!

Yep! That's a towel colored with the plan of salvation! Whoo-hoo! Now hit those beaches and make all those sinners cover up their naughty bits!

Cover up those man-eaters, young lady!

Trying to catch yourself a man?
No ding-ding vizout a vedding wing!

Shame on you, young man, accentuating your giblets like that!

So come June, when you're gearing up for summer fun in the summer sun, take Jesus to the beach! It just might save your purity!

Behold!

2006-12-06T10:27:00.000-06:00

The Lamp of God, that takes away the dimly lit rooms of the world!

I love Jesus Christ, but excuse me if I don't feel like having the living shite scared out of me every time I turn on the light.

High and Mighty

2006-12-05T22:27:00.000-06:00

Is it t-shirt Tuesday already? Jeez! Where does the time go?

Oh, well then, excuse me. I have to go back down with the sinners now, but maybe you and Jesus can stop by later and we can all bow down to you.

And what is this shirt saying about God? Didn't pride cause the fall of Lucifer? Hmm. I wonder where he got it?

Saying this might destroy the space-time continuum or something, but I actually found a site with some Christian tees that are actually fairly cool and modern. It's called C28 Christian Clothing. Have a look.

Mint Condition

2006-12-01T20:10:00.000-06:00

Actually, I have got Jesus. I found him in a quarter-piece box at a garage sale down the street.

I also have all twelve Apostles, and the Golgotha Action Playset.

Some Things Aren't Funny

2006-11-28T17:57:00.000-06:00

I'm sure a lot of you who stop by Kinda Kitschy regularly know who Diesel from Mattress Police is. Well, Diesel's brother-in-law was killed today in some sort of accident at work. Diesel's sure he's a Christian, so we don't have to worry about his ultimate fate. He's with Christ now, and is at rest, finally.

But there's a family out there, a woman, and her three children, that are hurting more than you or I can know. Their Earthly support is gone now, and we all have the awesome responsibility of standing in the gap and asking God to comfort, protect, and provide for them. This is our work as brothers and sisters, so let's pray, and pray hard.

His name was John.

Tizzle-Shirt Tuesday!

2006-11-28T16:17:00.000-06:00

Happy Tee to the Izzle Shirt Tuesday, folks! It's good to be back!

Spirit? No, thanks. I much prefer the crisp, refreshing orangey taste of:

Or, if I'm looking for a real good time:

I could make some cheesy quip about a 3-for-1 deal for the Trinity...but I won't, because I'm above that. Not to mention that I'd probably end up on Joel's blog, despite not even being a marquee.

WTF?! No, seriously!

2006-11-27T09:44:00.000-06:00

CALIFORNIA, November 22 - Rob's brother-in-law has the weirdest nipples ever. No, seriously. It's true.

Okay, so first, let me apologize for having a giant picture of a man's nipple on my blog. But there's my shout out to Diesel over at Mattress Police, who was kind enough to entertain me while I was at work the other day. Thanks, Diesel.

So now it's nose back to the grindstone folks. The holiday is over, and it's time for me to get back to work satisfying all of your rabid curiosity for the absolute insanity of some Christian manufacturers. No, really, you know I love it.

In all seriousness, today's kitsch is seriously a WTF?! kind of thing. I have to thank John for doing my work for me on this one. Thanks, John. Check out his blog here.

We all know the famous stories of Noah and the Ark, Samson and Delilah, and David and Goliath right? Well, apparently, Family Values, LLC has been reading a slightly different Bible than us.

This company produces action figures with a Biblical twist! They're all Bible heroes! Whoo-hoo! Before I blow you away, here's the description for the Samson action figure.

"Samson battles the forces of evil. His great strength comes from his faith and humility in the power of God. Package comes with poseable action figure styling with play accessory shield and sword, along with fully illustrated comic book."

Hmm...that sounds nothing like:

Judges 16: 17
"So he told her everything. 'No razor has ever been used on my head,' he said, 'because I have been a Nazirite set apart to God since birth. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man.' "

"...strength from his faith and humility"? Not only is that completely wrong, but humility was definitely not Samson's strong suit. Samson is the story of a guy who really screws up, but ends up serving God in the end, through his death.

But here's the real kicker:

You know who that is? That's David. Yup, good old shepherd boy. Apparently, David wasn't a small boy facing incredible odds against, with only a stone, a sling (not a slingshot), and faith in God. According to them, he was a big, ripped action hero with a suit of armor and a shield. Kind of messes up the message, doesn't it? Oh, and not to mention that every last one of those action heroes is a white boy. I'm beating a dead horse here, I know, but it really burns me up.

Coming Soon!: Jesus battles Satan, the Prince of Darkness. His power comes from His humility and pretty much being God. Package comes with poseable action figure styling with play accessory whip of cords (John 2:15) and cross, along with fully illustrated comic book.

Come on, people. You can buy your kids X-Men and if you pray, and teach them the real Bible they'll still turn out to be good kids. Let's face it: the X-Men are what they really want, anyway.

Turkey Day!

2006-11-23T12:29:00.000-06:00

Sorry, folks, no kitsch today, but have a blessed Thanksgiving! Eat some turkey and give thanks to God that you have family, friends, and a Savior who loves you. I'll have some more for you when I get back from Chicago. Salut!

Just One Problem

2006-11-21T15:24:00.000-06:00

Happy t-shirt Tuesday, guys! Sorry, but I wasn't able to find a whole t-shirt pic for this one, just the print.

Maybe, but while we're on the subject of crappy analogies, there's just one problem:

2 John 1:6 - And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.

You can't walk either! Maybe we should leave imagery between physical actions and spiritual results alone.

Anyway, today is also a very special day. With Christmas fast approaching I wanted to take time to highlight something that is definitely not kitsch. You may not know who Sufjan Stevens is, but he's one of the most innovative, creative Christian musicians out there today.

It seems he's actually more appreciated by indie fans than by actual Christians, though everyone seems to love his earthy, yet faith-ridden lyrics, and his fluctuation between simplistic acoustic guitar picking and bombastic, almost orchestral compositions. At the 2006 PLUG Awards (Independent Music Awards), he took away the awards for Album of the Year, for Illinois, Male Artist of the Year, and Album Art/Packaging of the Year, for Illinois as well.

Today, he released his box set Songs for Christmas, which is comprised of seperate EP's he recorded as a project every Christmas from 2001 to 2006, sans 2004. They are made up of some classic carols, some reimagined ones, and a scattering of some of his own original works like Did I Make You Cry on Christmas Day? (Well, you deserved it!).

Here is a picture of the box set.

The box set comes with a lot of other stuff like Christmas stickers, and a book of chords and lyrics so you can play along. If you feel so inclined, you can listen to a stream of the whole album at his record label, Asthmatic Kitty's, website here. Make sure you have Quicktime.

Do something original this Christmas and support a Christian musician who doesn't suck. Isn't it nice to have something good by a Christian on here every now and then?

The Quest for Religious Freedom Has Its Hardships

2006-11-19T19:38:00.000-06:00

Those poor pilgrims. Look at the conditions they had to endure just to escape religious persecution. Who knew 17th Century ships were so tiny? It says we are blessed, but I'll bet they didn't feel that way, having to sleep on top of pumpkins.

Strange. Such small ships and giant turkeys. I guess they just don't make them like they used to.

I hope no one takes offense at my shameless fun at Jim Shore's expense. I wouldn't take such issue with these pieces if they weren't being sold in a Christian bookstore. As I've said before, putting the word blessed on something doesn't make it Christian

Double Feature

2006-11-17T17:24:00.000-06:00

What is it about jokes about women liking chocolate?

According to this first picture, prayer and chocolate are on about equal grounds. Yes, those two great gifts of God: communion with Him through prayer, and the cacao plant. On a less bothersome note, except perhaps to myself and Miss Kitty, apparently God is no longer a proper noun.

I feel sorry for this woman, not to mention her family. Apparently, she's twice as thankful for chocolate as she is for her spouse or children. Finally, when her gluttony has gotten the best of her, she will blame God for His "blessing".

I know these things are supposed to be cute, but I can't help but find them annoying. I have no idea why these are in a Christian bookstore. Apparently, mentioning the words God, prayer, or blessing makes something Christian. Am I alone here?

The Case for Kitsch

2006-11-15T17:48:00.000-06:00

I have to give props to Lee Strobel. He started beating his own personal dead horse a good four years before Rick Warren got his Purpose-Driven Cult under way. That may be a little harsh, but when you have a library with more volumes and sheer material than The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, things have reached epidemic proportions.

Anyway, back to Lee Strobel. You might remember a little piece of "investigative journalism" (I use that term lightly) called The Case for Christ. I read it a couple of times, back when I was a new Christian, and if I remember correctly, it was basically a catalogue of a bunch of scholars giving evidence for the existence of the Biblical Jesus. The reason I think calling it "investigative journalism" is dubious at best is because journalism, ideally, is done objectively. This book was anything but.

Anyway, back to Lee Strobel. You might remember a couple of follow-ups to The Case for Christ, namely The Case for Faith, and The Case for a Creator. Well, guess what. He's done it again! Did you ever have any doubt?

Normally, I would be pained to call any book kitsch. I have a great respect for the written word and for anyone with ambition enough to write a book and get it published. However, apparently, Strobel's writing skills are so limited that he's forced to do the same thing over and over and over again. A word of advice to you, Lee: cut it out! Do something new! Maybe it'll fail, but who cares, as long as it doesn't start with "The Case for..."?

Then again, The Case for Lee Strobel's Talent might be a bestseller.

---

By the way, I'm still looking for ideas for what to do for Christmas. I'm thinking about "12 Days of Kitschmas", and doing the twelve days leading up to Christmas with a Christmas kitsch extravaganza. But that might be a little cliche, and possibly sacreligious. What do you think? Or do you have any ideas, ya slackers? Am I getting started on Christmas too early? (For evidence, see: Gregory's mySpace)

Yes, that page belongs to me. Don't make fun of me...I'm not a teeny bopper.

A Reinforcement of Purpose

2006-11-15T16:28:00.000-06:00

Recently, I went to a wedding in a magical, far away land called Wisconsin. I got to see a lot of old friends I haven't seen in a couple years. They are a group that always inspires me, because they are cool, they are creative, and they are all the most Christ-centered people I've ever known.

On the way back, I lamented to my wife about how I didn't think I was doing the things God wanted me to do. She brought up Kinda Kitschy, and asked me why I did it. So, like any coward, I copped out and asked her why she thought I did it. She said she thought I had started doing it to make people laugh, which while assuredly a laudable goal, is not Christ-centered, and if there's anyone I want to be focused on, it's Christ. Other-centric thinking will flow from that.

So, as a reminder, to get back on course so to speak, here are my reasons for Kinda Kitschy. Why do I do what I do here?

1. Because I feel that the rate at which the Christian faith is being commercialized and merchandised is dangerous, and non-Biblical.

2. Because most of the merchandise we produce are second-rate copies of secular trends.

3. Because Christ didn't command us to go into all nations and make kitsch. He wanted us to go into all nations and form relationships, make disciples. I'm sorry, but I firmly believe that 90% of the time, kitsch will fail at bringing people to Christ.

4. It gives me a kind of outlet for my more cynical thoughts. For less cynical thoughts and writings on Christ, faith, and other non-sequitors, head over to The First Sketch.

5. To make people laugh.

Now, to be honest, that's not always my motivation behind what I do here, but it should be, and with the Spirit's help, it will be much more often. For my brothers and sisters who read this who have a relationship with Christ, your prayers for my continued focus on Christ are always appreciated.

Sorry to go all serious on you, but I felt that this really needed to be done. Thank you all for listening, and for your continued readership. You are appreciated.

Can I Phone A Friend?

2006-11-14T18:02:00.000-06:00

Happy t-shirt Tuesday, kids! It looks like Regis found Jesus!

Um, I'm sorry, but what was the question?

Like A Sponge

2006-11-12T17:22:00.000-06:00

That's right, soak Him up. Soak Him all up...'til He's gone.

Oh, and apparently Jesus was crucified at the beach. I guess He wasn't just paying the price for your sin! He was soaking up the rays and checkin' out the waves!

Bite the Hands That Feed

2006-11-09T16:59:00.000-06:00

I know that we talk about inspiration coming from God, but I don't care how Christian this is. This was definitely not inspired by the Spirit. There's no way that the God who spoke the stars into being and formed Adam from the dust made this piece of crap.

Yet another example of really crappy, really creepy religious hand sculptures.

*Thanks to Miss Kitty for this absolutely wonderful piece of kitsch.

To Be Clear

2006-11-08T10:53:00.000-06:00

Election Day

2006-11-08T00:51:00.000-06:00

The timestamp on this is right. For some reason, I couldn't get Blogger to post this last night. So, for your consideration, I present the brand-new T-Shirt Tuesday! Today's entry is particularly presumptous and slightly offensive.

Somehow, I don't think Jesus would agree with this. In fact, this is like wrath of God material, right here. Please, close this window before holy lighting strikes your computer and fire and brimstone rain down on your home. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I would love to see a church sign like this somewhere:

Oh, and I think bumper stickers will be moved to Saturday. If you see any, snap those pics and send them here.

Structure, Stickers, and Sloth

2006-11-06T23:42:00.000-06:00

In order to add some much needed structure and discipline, and, of course, to make my job easier, I've decided to designate a couple days of the week to be devoted to specific kinds of kitsch. For example, henceforth, Monday shall be called: Bumper Sticker Day!

One day is going to be t-shirt day, but I haven't decided which yet. Oh, and Christmas is coming. If you have any ideas for a Kinda Kitschy event, leave me a comment. Maybe I'll use it! Or maybe I won't, if it stinks. Don't worry, I won't tell you if it does.

Anyway, here's today's entry:

And, 1 sticker + 1 crappy slogan = 2 kitschy to be taken seriously

Oh, and sorry for not posting for so long. I had to go to a wedding in Wisconsin and see a lot of old, dear, faithful (to myself and God) friends. Remember, Lion-O says:

Don't begrudge a blogger a vacation!

Five Funny Blogs (Amended)

2006-11-02T18:00:00.000-06:00

Firstly, let me be forthcoming in saying that I am only doing this because I am a sheep, and will shamelessly emulate anyone wittier or more clever than myself in an effort to sound witty and clever, and to otherwise associate myself with that person.

So, that being said, I am now shamelessly emulating Diesel in submitting, for your pleasure, Five Funny Blogs. It’s in italics, because now that it’s being done by more than one person, it’s a proper title. Here are the criteria:

1. They are funny.
2. They are made up of mostly original content (not links to other blogs, YouTube, etc.)
3. They are updated regularly.
4. There is a good chance you've never heard of them. That means they don't have a gazillion other links to them, hundreds of readers leaving comments, etc.
5. At least one of them isn't already on my blog roll. (In other words, I had to go looking for it.)

Here goes:

Five Funny Blogs

Mattress Police: The aforementioned witty person whom I am emulating.

Crummy Church Signs: Joel’s collection of crumminess is in my blogroll, but if you haven’t checked him out, you should!

Educated and Poor

The Lapped Catholic

The Drive-By Blogger: Only added to my blogroll after this list, so he counts.

So, there it is. I’ve done my good deed for the day and balanced my karma. Now go increase their hit counters.

Dox-aggh-logy!

2006-11-02T15:44:00.000-06:00

You'll be washing this dish Thanksgiving night and suddenly realize that the blessing that had flowed from it was Aunt Hilda's Thanksgiving Marshmallow-Squash-Pork Casserole. Kind of contradictory, eh?

Eau de Toilette

2006-11-01T22:04:00.000-06:00

Does this sound familiar?

Herb: Honey, are you ready yet?
Barb: Almost, I just can't figure out what scent to wear!
Herb: Why not the Chanille No. 6?
Barb: No, I wore that last time. I want to my perfume to say "I love the Lord!"
Herb: Like...olfactory evangelism!
Barb: Yes, exactly! I wish I could smell like baby Jesus!

Well, now you can Barb! Yes, you can smell just like the baby Jesus! No, not like hay and camel sh**! You can smell like Frankincense, Myrrh, and Spikenard, whatever the hell that is, with the new, patented Scents of the Bible!

Scents of the Bible contains a recipe of carefully selected oils and fragrances that, when combined, create the intoxicating scents of Frankincense, Myrrh, and Spikenard, whatever the hell that is. They'll have you humming "We Three Kings".

...really, though, we just made them up, because we know for a fact that you can't recognize the smell of Spikenard, whatever the hell that is.

(I know the box says 'Eau de Parfum'. Seriously, though, when I was a kid I thought that 'Eau de Toilette' meant Scent of the Toilet)

X-treme!

2006-11-01T10:06:00.000-06:00

I don't know about you, but ever since X-Games and extreme sports have saturated teen culture, Christians have felt the need to convince their young people that being a Christian is RADICAL! Even EXTREME! WHOA!!

I'm tired of it. It makes me extremely aggravated. I'm sick of the entire schtick (I'm a poet and I didn't know it). From the extreme Bibles:

to the radical clothes:

to the awesome books:

Oh, and don't forget this guy:

He's extremely X-treme!

Oh, and just for kicks and giggles, here's an extreme transcript from part of Stephen Baldwin's extreme interview with Rick Sanchez on CNN. Pay extreme attention to the parts in bold, which are my extreme emphasis. Sorry for saying extreme so often...

----

SANCHEZ: His was a life of fast women, hard drugs, alcohol during his early years in Hollywood. Stephen Baldwin, the youngest of the famous Baldwin brothers, finally put the brakes on what some might consider a bit of an out-of-control lifestyle. And now he says he's a new man, and in perhaps his most pivotal role. His book "The Unusual Suspect" is what Baldwin calls his calling to the new hard-core movement of faith.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

STEPHEN BALDWIN, ACTOR: I wrote "The Unusual Suspect" because I wanted to express the experience I'm having in my faith in a new kind of funky, cool, radical way.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

SANCHEZ: Well, now you're going to see him live. Stephen Baldwin is here this morning joining us.

BALDWIN: Good morning. Good morning. Good morning.

SANCHEZ: Stephen, thanks so much for being with us.

BALDWIN: Thanks for having me.

SANCHEZ: I'm in upstate New York, I'm driving around somewhere, and suddenly we're in our Conversion van, my four kids, my wife, our dog, and my wife says, "That's Stephen Baldwin." And by golly, it was. And Stephen Baldwin comes over and taps on the window after she says, "Hi." And you were kind enough to be real nice to my kids. And then you said, "I have a conversion van just like that one." True?

BALDWIN: That's so funny. I cannot believe that. Well, you know, I used to call that a coincidence. Now I call it a Jesusidence (ph).

----

Great googly-moogly. Would someone please make him stop talking?

At the Self-Help Gospel Convention

2006-11-01T00:19:00.000-06:00

Click for a larger image!

In Attendance from Left to Right: Gabriel, Jesse James, Moses sans Commandments VI-X, a...ghost thing, Joel Osteen, White Jesus, Caiaphas from "Jesus Christ Superstar!", Old Aragorn, and Michael.

The Best Part of Waking Up

2006-10-29T16:38:00.000-06:00

This is the first product in Starbucks' new Christian coffee campaign, "Nearer My God To Thee", which is also the new name of their strongest morning blend. Baristas are affectionately referring to the tumbler as "The Holy Grail". The bold marketing move was in response to the Vatican's recent designation of an eighth deadly sin: Weak Coffee. Here is an excerpt from "The Ironic Catholic":

"In a related note, Starbucks announced it was renaming its strongest morning blend "Nearer My God To Thee," and was planning an ad campaign through Catholic Church bulletins: "Coffee that wakes you up and prevents damnation." '

See the whole article here: New Deadly Sin Added By The International Theological Commission

Verily

2006-10-27T10:45:00.000-05:00

What can I say? It's a Last Supper tablecloth.

Dad: I say to thee, he who dippeth his crust in the garlic sauce with me, hath betrayed me.
Mikey: Surely, not I, father.
Dad: Yes, thou hath wrecked the car.

*By the way, this image was sent in by someone calling themself "Aloe". If you read this, Aloe, thanks for the pic.

Kinda Creepy

2006-10-27T10:27:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid, my great grandma had this...thing, at her house. It was a (fake) Bible that looked like it had two hands coming out of it. The hands were folded together, in prayer I guess. That thing used to scare the bejeebus out of me.

Now, maybe it's just me. But I've always found religious hand sculptures to be extremely disconcerting. I guess we feel like we're approaching blasphemy to sculpt God's face, so we do His hands as a consolation. If the sculpting is poor to boot, you get something like this:

Yikes.

Plus, it's a candle, so it gets extra kitsch points.

He's got the whole world in His deformed hands,
He's got the itty-bitty babies in His misshapen hands,
He's got you and me, brother, in His malformed hands,
He's got us all in His creepy hands!
Everybody!

Lewis Is Turning In His Grave

2006-10-26T17:40:00.000-05:00

I am very aware that the Chronicles of Narnia movie created a firestorm of merchandising. I loved the books first, the new movie second, and I was pained to see the enormous amount of stuff that it generated. But, my horror reached its paramount upon seeing this:

That's Peter's sword reduced to functioning as a letter opener. It doesn't get any worse than that. What kind of world do we live in when an out of work sword has no choice but to sell himself out to this kind of slave labor?

'Tis a shame, indeed.

Slideshow!

2006-10-26T14:09:00.000-05:00

I've finally created a banner/image for Kinda Kitschy that I can use to link to the site. I'm really not very good at this, so it didn't turn out very well, but it's the best I got. It's a slideshow .gif, so I may make a static one that's not so attention grabbing. Let me know what you all think!

----

So, it turns out that Blogger doesn't support slideshows, so here's a photobucket link for all of you!

Kinda Kitschy Banner

Cuddly-uddly-umpkins; or Death by Cuteness

2006-10-25T17:29:00.000-05:00

Isaiah 11:6 - The wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the young goat, and the calf and the lion and the fattened calf together; and a little child shall lead them.

I know this is kitsch. I mean, it's based on a misinterpreted Bible verse, marketed as a Christian toy, and sold at Christian bookstores and websites.

But, seriously...it's so frakkin' cute!

False Advertising

2006-10-24T08:51:00.000-05:00

Wouldn't serving drinks in these give people unrealistic expectations about the contents?

John 7:37-38: If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of kitsch.

Well, that's what it seems like, anyway.

Like Mario On Paxil and Jesus

2006-10-22T17:55:00.001-05:00

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if your favorite video game character got saved? What if Mario were smashing goombas for Jesus, or Link were arming himself with the Breastplate of Righteousness and the Master Sword of the Spirit?

Well, hopefully, it would be nothing like this game. Not only is this a bad idea on paper, it came out really bad too. Here's an excerpt from IGN's review of "The Bible Game" for Gameboy Advance"

"It is your goal as the child to walk the land, squishing evil bugs and answering trivia challenges to rid the world of evil. While this title boasts the "combination of action/adventure with trivia challenges", it is severely lacking on both fronts. Control is far too simplistic, as is the challenge of actually navigating from place to place. The action described is comprised of only gap-jumping and bug squishing, and the trivia is actually very difficult for a kid's game. Challenges are found by exploring each of the seven levels and finding demons who have stolen town keys. The only way to rid the world of such evil is, you guessed it, through a trivia battle! Battles are boring, however, offering no real entertainment aside from simply answering the questions."

Here's a couple screenshots for it:

Maybe the church should get together and pass an agreement to avoid creating any sort of fictional media. We tend to do a fairly good job with non-fiction, but our movies, novels, and games keep turning out crappy. Why do we seem to feel like we can't make anything engaging without compromising our morals? You'd think adrenaline and endorphins were a mortal sin.

Dad's Christmas Nightmare

2006-10-22T15:34:00.000-05:00

Who first thought to themselves, "Hey! I've got a fashion breakthrough! Let's take a long piece of pointed material, put big tacky pictures on it, and tie it around somebody's neck!"?

To be honest, it seems that there are enough tacky ties in the world to make a whole blog devoted to cataloguing and snarking them. But I'm only interested in the Christian spectrum of horrible ties.

Actually, from what I said above, one might assume that I'm against all ties, but I'm not. I just hate the ones with big tacky pictures on them, especially pictures of Jesus. I think this one is especially stupid, with baby Jesus hanging out down near your fly.

I was thinking about the idea of Christian apparel in general, and I wondered if Jews thought that putting the Ark of the Covenant on a t-shirt made them a better Jew, or if Muslims thought that that putting the Dome of the Rock on a necktie made them a better Muslim.

I doubt it.

This Year's Hot Item

2006-10-20T21:49:00.000-05:00

Here's yet another example of Christians copying popular secular fads.

Bible Verse Babies!

This is Hope the Manatee! You can see all the Bible Verse Babies here! There are other virtue heralding animals such as Courage the Camel, Mercy the Monkey, and Freedom the...Blue Jay?

As for Jim Gaffigan's take on manatees, direct your browser here.

A New Take On Joshua 24:15

2006-10-20T21:18:00.000-05:00

As for me and my house, we will serve coffee!

Or, maybe tea...with cute little cakes. We haven't decided.

I whipped up a poster for Kinda Kitschy at The Motivator.

The Jesus of Consumerism

2006-10-19T21:04:00.000-05:00

Here's something to think about. I made this myself. Aren't I smarmy?

The objects Jesus is heralding should be immediately familiar to anyone who's kept up with Kinda Kitschy.

Let's Scare the Hell Out of 'Em!

2006-10-19T16:02:00.000-05:00

We all know how bad Christians are at making movies; "Left Behind" is a testament to that.

Well, I actually found one that isn't about the end times:

That's right! "Snake" Plissken is back, and this time he won't just fight for his life! He'll fight for his soul! Don't miss the heart pounding, high octane evangelistic action in "Escape...FROM HELL!"

Well, that's what the back should say, anyway. In case you can't read it, here's what it actually says:

"Dr. Eric Robinson wants to believe and experience that infinite love and warmth that near death testimonies claim is on the other side of life. His colleague, Dr. Marissa Holloway, is on a crusade to alleviate the fear of death and suffering by proving to the world that heaven awaits everyone. In a moment of desperation, Dr. Robinson faces death and discovers the reality of hell -a place the Bible vividly portrays- a hell from which we must all escape."

Here's an excerpt from the site I found it on:

"Escape from Hell is an evangelistic movie that challenges viewers to confront their inevitable death and judgment. This action packed drama with spectacular special effects, gives us glimpses of what hell and heaven might be like in the here after. It is a wonderful discussion starter to share Christ with unsaved family and friends."

As an exegetical, fairly fundamental Christian, I believe in Hell. Jesus talked about it, but it wasn't the core of His ministry. When Jesus talked about Hell it was usually in connection to something else, such as cutting ourselves off from temptation, or the snares of wealth.

I've walked this road before. I made my first profession of faith because I was scared of Hell, but it wasn't real salvation. It was what some would call "fire insurance", and it faded quickly. That kind of profession does not last. It's the work of the Spirit and conviction of our sin that brings us to true faith in Christ, not terror.

Can I get an Amen?!

More White Jews

2006-10-17T23:01:00.000-05:00

Sorry for not updating so quickly. Trying to finish up unpacking along with work and school has kept me busy. Here's something you should all enjoy.

I stumbled across this site when searching for Bible toys: Train Up A Child.

This little site is a gem, not only because it has kitschy Bible action figures, but because you can buy light or dark skinned versions of each character. Being a white boy myself, I was looking at the light skinned characters, and settled on my favorite: David, the shepherd. Obviously, they're all, mistakenly, white, but apparently, the man after God's own heart was Aryan. Sorry that the quality's not better. The site didn't provide a very large image. I wonder why.

Heil David.

Hygiene Is Important

2006-10-15T16:22:00.000-05:00

As good old Steven would say:

Yes, folks, I am speechless. I will post only a picture.

Take that, hangnail; holy justice from on high.

I'll bet you're as speechless as I am.