To My Reprobate Friends

Look, I thought we had an agreement. I've kept up my end of the bargain, but you've been shirking. I've been working really hard at this whole "friendship evangelism" thing. Don't worry, I get it! You hated the whole "shotgun-you-in-the-face-with-the-Gospel-and-call-you-a-sinner" approach. Believe me, it was labor-intensive and not very fun. We didn't have much in common then.

So, I took up drinking. Before I can invite you to church, you invite me out for drinks. Okay. You're not quite ready for Sunday morning. That's fine. I start smoking occasionally, and you bum cigarettes off of me. That's what friends are for, right? I invite you to my church on Friday to play Halo instead of on Sunday to hear preaching. At least that gets you in the door. But do you show up on Sunday? No. You've got a hangover.

Now I feel obligated to buy every new Halo game that comes out, I'm up to a pack a day, and I can't go to sleep at night without two fingers of Jack. Does that make you happy? Look, I'm just looking for a little effort on your part. A question about the Bible, or some challenge on a controversial issue. Just show a little interest. Or fake it; it's the least you can do.

We both know I'm a bigoted, right-wing holy roller but I work really hard at maintaining this psuedo-intellectual, openly spiritual, left-of-center facade. You think I do it for my health? You think I like saying I support universal healthcare? I voted for Bush twice, and I couldn't vote in 2000.

All I'm asking for is some sign that I'm not alone in this. This is a two-way street, remember? I just need something to show the Boss to prove I'm not slacking off down here. Otherwise, we might have to go back to the old way, and then who will loan you smokes?