At an online forum I hang out at there was a discussion recently about a "Christian" movie called To Save a Life.
I gave them my usual rhetoric about why Christian movies always turn out to be crap, but they insisted that this one broke the mold. Of course, I knew that if it was actually good, it couldn't really be all that Christian. Then again, if it was really Christian, it couldn't be all that good. Well, either way, I'm not taking my chances.
But it did get me thinking about what makes a Christian movie actually Christian. I've decided that we need some sort of standard, a set of criteria to which all Christian movies are held.
We need a checklist.
The Christian Movie Checklist (or How Movies Get to Heaven)
For a movie to be considered saved, it must meet at least 75% of the following criteria:
-No moral ambiguity. Christian morality is black or white. So are our characters. Not literally...I mean, like morally. You know, metaphorically.
-A character must say "damn" at least twice, for believability. Extreme swearing like the s-word or the f-word are prohibited.
-Sex can be alluded to, but the word sex is prohibited. Portraying it is right out. We haven't yet convinced the world that we reproduce via mitosis.
-Kirk Cameron
-75% of the movie's soundtrack must be from approved Christian musicians. Remember, Amy Grant and Jennifer Knapp are verboten now, so watch your step.
-The other 25% of the soundtrack can be secular, but must be composed of songs from 1970 or earlier.
-Youth leaders should still be signified by having frosted tips. This is pretty much ingrained by now.
-Characters should be about a cycle behind on current trends. Everyone in the film should still be on MySpace.
-Teenage characters should be angsty. Painfully so. If they're not angsty, they're the Christian teen.
-Kirk Cameron
Actually, by this measurement, I'm not sure we can call To Save A Life a Christian movie. But there's one thing we can be sure of: Kirk Cameron's not in it. And I think that's something we can all be thankful for.
Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
So Jesus Walks Into A Bar
And the bartender says, "Shut the door! What, were you born in a barn?"
Yes, "Thou Shalt Laugh 4" is just that funny! Really! It doesn't get any funnier than that. I'm serious.
Exodus 20:17 - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's. But thou shalt laugh until thy sides split with fear and trembling. Or I shall smite thee. (New Fabricated Version)
Okay, so maybe I LOL'd a couple times. Actually chuckled under my breath is more accurate. I kind of feel the same way about Christian comedy as I do about Christian films though. I have yet to see a Christian comedian who can make me laugh as much as, say, Jim Gaffigan. Or Maria Bamford. I guess that means I'm a dirty sinner.
The most disturbing thing about that whole video might be John Tesh's haircut. Hairpiece?
Yes, "Thou Shalt Laugh 4" is just that funny! Really! It doesn't get any funnier than that. I'm serious.
Exodus 20:17 - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's. But thou shalt laugh until thy sides split with fear and trembling. Or I shall smite thee. (New Fabricated Version)
Okay, so maybe I LOL'd a couple times. Actually chuckled under my breath is more accurate. I kind of feel the same way about Christian comedy as I do about Christian films though. I have yet to see a Christian comedian who can make me laugh as much as, say, Jim Gaffigan. Or Maria Bamford. I guess that means I'm a dirty sinner.
The most disturbing thing about that whole video might be John Tesh's haircut. Hairpiece?
Friday, January 12, 2007
Censorchip
Okay, so here's a first. I'm going to come right out and say, this time, that this gripe might just be my opinion. In fact, I can even understand why some people might want an item like this
On the other hand, as an artist, this kind of thing aggravates me to no end. Some of you may have heard of a little box called a TV Guardian. The TV Guardian is a computer that, when plugged into your TV, recognizes adult language and filters it out.
This might not be so bad if it didn't replace the missing dialogue with closed captions. Now, I know it's a valid question to ask what else could they replace it with. I know they don't have the actors' voices recorded on the box. My best friend's mom had one of these growing up. We watched The Usual Suspects, on one occasion, and I remember listening to silence for the majority of the movie. I'm sorry, but this thing can definitely ruin some seriously good shows and movies. I remember it even filtered out "darn". How Puritanical can you get?
Just look at how the TV Guardian would take a wonderful, hilarious movie like Snatch, and shoot arguably it's best scene to pieces:
----
Bullet Tooth Tony: So, you are obviously the big [jerk]. The men on the side of ya are your [jerks]. There are two types of [jerks]. There are big brave [jerks], and there are little mincey [stupid] [jerks]
Vinny: These are your last words, so make them a prayer.
Bullet Tooth Tony: Now, [jerks] have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell [coward] and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old [coward], and have brought your two small mincey [stupid] [jerks] along for a good old time. But you've got your parties mangled up. There's no [coward] here, just a dose that'll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a [jerk], you are having second thoughts. You are shrinking, and your two little [jerks] are shrinking with you. And the fact that you've got "Replica" written down the side of your gun...
[Zooms in on Vinny's gun, which reads 'REPLICA' in bold letters down the side]
And the fact that I've got "Desert Eagle point five O"...
[Places his gun on the table, which reads 'DESERT EAGLE .50']
Written down the side of mine...should precipitate your [jerks] into shrinking, along with your presence. Now... [gosh] off!
----
Admittedly, my language is colorful from time to time, so it's almost a given that I would be against something like this. But, honestly, sometimes a character just isn't the same when you take away the language they use, rough though it might be. That's one reason that unsaved characters in Christian movies and books are never believable. They always seem like Christians acting like non-Christians, or caricatures from the Evangelical point of view.
Our job is to monitor what our kids watch, not to spend a hundred dollars on a glorified baby-sitter to do it for us.
However, since I am a magnanimous fellow, if you'd like to purchase one of these devices, you may do so here:
Family Christian Stores - TV Guardian 201 Series
On the other hand, as an artist, this kind of thing aggravates me to no end. Some of you may have heard of a little box called a TV Guardian. The TV Guardian is a computer that, when plugged into your TV, recognizes adult language and filters it out.
This might not be so bad if it didn't replace the missing dialogue with closed captions. Now, I know it's a valid question to ask what else could they replace it with. I know they don't have the actors' voices recorded on the box. My best friend's mom had one of these growing up. We watched The Usual Suspects, on one occasion, and I remember listening to silence for the majority of the movie. I'm sorry, but this thing can definitely ruin some seriously good shows and movies. I remember it even filtered out "darn". How Puritanical can you get?Just look at how the TV Guardian would take a wonderful, hilarious movie like Snatch, and shoot arguably it's best scene to pieces:
----
Bullet Tooth Tony: So, you are obviously the big [jerk]. The men on the side of ya are your [jerks]. There are two types of [jerks]. There are big brave [jerks], and there are little mincey [stupid] [jerks]
Vinny: These are your last words, so make them a prayer.
Bullet Tooth Tony: Now, [jerks] have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell [coward] and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old [coward], and have brought your two small mincey [stupid] [jerks] along for a good old time. But you've got your parties mangled up. There's no [coward] here, just a dose that'll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a [jerk], you are having second thoughts. You are shrinking, and your two little [jerks] are shrinking with you. And the fact that you've got "Replica" written down the side of your gun...
[Zooms in on Vinny's gun, which reads 'REPLICA' in bold letters down the side]
And the fact that I've got "Desert Eagle point five O"...
[Places his gun on the table, which reads 'DESERT EAGLE .50']
Written down the side of mine...should precipitate your [jerks] into shrinking, along with your presence. Now... [gosh] off!
----
Admittedly, my language is colorful from time to time, so it's almost a given that I would be against something like this. But, honestly, sometimes a character just isn't the same when you take away the language they use, rough though it might be. That's one reason that unsaved characters in Christian movies and books are never believable. They always seem like Christians acting like non-Christians, or caricatures from the Evangelical point of view.
Our job is to monitor what our kids watch, not to spend a hundred dollars on a glorified baby-sitter to do it for us.
However, since I am a magnanimous fellow, if you'd like to purchase one of these devices, you may do so here:
Family Christian Stores - TV Guardian 201 Series
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Everything to Everyone
"Ever wished the Bible was as easy to pick up as your favorite magazine?" asks one Christian bookstore advertisement. No, I don't. If that were the case I might treat the Bible with the same indifference, or in some cases, disdain, that I treat most magazines with.
However, despite my feelings to the contrary, apparently some publisher thought it necessary to turn the Bible into a magazine. Many different magazines, in fact, known as BibleZines. Wow! It seems our creativity, especially in coming up with names for things, has reached its zenith, don't you think? There are magazines for every age group, and for the most part, each magazine has a male version and a female version. It's really unbelievable how many of these things there are, so let me show you, proceeding by age group. There's:
Magnify, the kids magazine for girls and boys!
Blossom, for pre-teen girls!
Explore, for pre-teen boys!
Refuel, for teen guys! (Anybody see the hook there?)
Revolve, for teen gals! (Looking, obviously, like a fashion magazine, because we know that all teenage girls obsess over their looks.)
Becoming, for today's woman!
Align, for modern men!
Redefine, for baby boomers!
Also, Divine Health, for hypochondriacs!
However, my personal favorite would have to be:
Real, for urban youth!
Personally, I've always been a little uncomfortable with changing or redesigning the Bible for different people, you know, beyond normal translation differences and study Bibles. There are children's Bibles, teen Bibles, student Bibles, women's Bibles, men's Bibles, bad girls of the Bible Bibles, clown Bibles, senior executive quality control technician's assistant Bibles. I mean, really, it's out of hand.
We don't take The Scarlet Letter and illustrate it and dumb it down to make The Scarlet Letter Read and Learn Book for Kids do we? No, we don't. I know, I know, the Bible is God's message to man and the most important thing we can ever read. But maybe if we spent more time teaching our kids about life, we wouldn't have to buy Bibles jampacked with all sorts of life lessons and tips and tricks, would we?
------------
On a side note, after much nagging and bugging on my part, and much kicking and screaming on his, my brother has finally started a blog. You can find it in my blogroll. It's called No Accounting For Taste, and his blogger profile is under the name Cooper McEnroy. It's a blog that will be filled, from what he tells me, with movie reviews, both old and new, and essays on film in general. It was borne out of his disappointment with the state of the movie industry, and movie-goers themselves. It is a frustration I share with him. He's a new blogger, so check him out and give him some support. He's already posted a welcome and a great review for the new movie Children of Men.
However, despite my feelings to the contrary, apparently some publisher thought it necessary to turn the Bible into a magazine. Many different magazines, in fact, known as BibleZines. Wow! It seems our creativity, especially in coming up with names for things, has reached its zenith, don't you think? There are magazines for every age group, and for the most part, each magazine has a male version and a female version. It's really unbelievable how many of these things there are, so let me show you, proceeding by age group. There's:
Magnify, the kids magazine for girls and boys! 
Blossom, for pre-teen girls!
Explore, for pre-teen boys!
Refuel, for teen guys! (Anybody see the hook there?)
Revolve, for teen gals! (Looking, obviously, like a fashion magazine, because we know that all teenage girls obsess over their looks.)
Becoming, for today's woman!
Align, for modern men!
Redefine, for baby boomers!
Also, Divine Health, for hypochondriacs!However, my personal favorite would have to be:
Real, for urban youth!That's right. We all knew it was coming. It was inevitable, like westward expansion, or conservative backlash against the Bush administration. We all thought if we ignored it, it might not happen, but there it is: a hip-hop Bible!
John 21:17 BPV (Big Pimpin' Version)
Jesus: Yo, Simon Bar-Jonah, called Peter! You love me, son?
Peter: Dawg, You know I gotcho back!
Jesus: If you love me, feed my hos, dawg!
Something tells me what publishers are really shooting for is that folks will be in a Barnes and Noble somewhere and will come across one of the few that they might carry and pick it up thinking it's a real magazine. Then again, they might get wallet shy at the register wondering why a magazine costs $20.
John 21:17 BPV (Big Pimpin' Version)
Jesus: Yo, Simon Bar-Jonah, called Peter! You love me, son?
Peter: Dawg, You know I gotcho back!
Jesus: If you love me, feed my hos, dawg!
Something tells me what publishers are really shooting for is that folks will be in a Barnes and Noble somewhere and will come across one of the few that they might carry and pick it up thinking it's a real magazine. Then again, they might get wallet shy at the register wondering why a magazine costs $20.
Personally, I've always been a little uncomfortable with changing or redesigning the Bible for different people, you know, beyond normal translation differences and study Bibles. There are children's Bibles, teen Bibles, student Bibles, women's Bibles, men's Bibles, bad girls of the Bible Bibles, clown Bibles, senior executive quality control technician's assistant Bibles. I mean, really, it's out of hand.
We don't take The Scarlet Letter and illustrate it and dumb it down to make The Scarlet Letter Read and Learn Book for Kids do we? No, we don't. I know, I know, the Bible is God's message to man and the most important thing we can ever read. But maybe if we spent more time teaching our kids about life, we wouldn't have to buy Bibles jampacked with all sorts of life lessons and tips and tricks, would we?
------------
On a side note, after much nagging and bugging on my part, and much kicking and screaming on his, my brother has finally started a blog. You can find it in my blogroll. It's called No Accounting For Taste, and his blogger profile is under the name Cooper McEnroy. It's a blog that will be filled, from what he tells me, with movie reviews, both old and new, and essays on film in general. It was borne out of his disappointment with the state of the movie industry, and movie-goers themselves. It is a frustration I share with him. He's a new blogger, so check him out and give him some support. He's already posted a welcome and a great review for the new movie Children of Men.
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