Wednesday, May 09, 2007

The Indubitably Lame Duo

Here's a tip: If you ever have to make a change to your internet service, don't. But if you do, get them to tell you the exact date that it will be turned back on. Oh? You didn't know that they'd have to turn it off just to switch the name on the account? Well, apparently they do, and if they're AT&T they have to turn it off for a week, which apparently, is the same thing as the two or three days they quoted us when we originally requested the change.

That being said, let's get down to business. When Satan is tempting you with scantily clad Bathshebas, who comes to your aid? When you find out your friend is downloading secular music, who do you go to for help? When your children are playing video games not pre-approved by your church, who do you call? God? No!

The answer to all these questions is, of course:

You've never heard of Bibleman? Well, let's run over the superhero checklist.

Armor-like, musclebound costume? Check.

Rich? Check.

Goofy archnemesis? Check. Luxor Spawndroth, seen here.

Lame sidekick with lamer name? Check. Cypher, seen here.

Wait a minute. This is all starting to sound kind of familiar...

I feel cheated, cheated and dirty. This is almost as bad as the time I found out that Ace and Gary were gay.

At least, I'm fairly sure they're gay.

Housekeeping note: There's just one week left before the big move. I don't technically have a house in Iowa yet to move into. I'm moving up before my wife and staying with a friend in order to seal the deal. This means I won't have internet for however long it takes for me to find a house. Yes, unfortunately this may mean another hiatus for Kinda Kitschy.


Ideally, I would like to find someone who would be willing to guest host Kinda Kitschy for the time that I am without internet. So, here is a want ad for the temporary position.

WANTED: Christian who is funny (but not too funny!) and is willing to troll the deep, dark vortex of the internets every two or three days, find horrible, appalling, slightly ridiculous Christian merchandise and then publicly humiliate it in front of all its friends.

If you're interested in the position, please reply to this post and indicate such, and leave your e-mail address. Or, if you're shy, you can e-mail me here. Then again, if you're shy, this may not be the ideal position for you.

Oh, and I swear, if you're funnier than me, you'll never work in this town again.

What is a hero? A hero is someone who kills people, people who wish him harm. A hero is part human, and part


Joel Bezaire said...

Hmmm....if I think of anyone like that, I'll let you know.

If you can't fit anyone that meets your description, I would be willing to help out.

That reminds me, you need to do a guest post at CCS sometime.

Diesel said...

I think I saw someone matching that description hanging out in front of Home Depot the other day. Does he have to habla ingles?

Allen said...

I'm suddenly struck by the thought of Job's three friends (four, if you count that punk kid, Elihu.) They sat around their suffering friend and made him even more miserable with long-winded speeches.

Anyway, utterly unrealted, maybe Joel & I can tag-team it (And Diesel, if he's game. AND the non-English speaker in front of Home Depot. That would be classic! The entire post in Portugese or something.)
Not as funny as you? I can do that.
Annoyed with Christian pop culture? Check.
Capable of using the internets... Well, two out of three ain't bad.

Miss Kitty said...

You & your wife are in my prayers for a safe and uneventful move. Looking forward to more kitsch when you return!

Diesel said...

Sorry, dude. If I were able to give a straight answer, I would have said that I would love to but I'm way too busy these days. I'll take a raincheck. Good luck with the move and we'll see you when you get back!