Apologies All Around

Sorry for the long absence everybody. Soon after my last post my brother got put on the list for a double lung transplant. He is a cystic fibrosis patient, and I'm happy to say that on November 4th, 2008 my brother received his new lungs. He's doing well now and hoping to start school again next semester.

As I was already fairly caught up with school, these events made it hard to do anything else. This is my senior year so work is obviously ramped up. In November and December we were traveling so much for the holidays that I hardly even got a chance to troll the interwebs even for fun, let alone blogging material.

However, there was a excuse-laden, more philosophical explanation for why I haven't returned. I was taking a class last semester called "Introduction to the New Testament." I go to a Catholic College so obviously the class had a different flavor than then "NT Survey" I took back at Emmaus Bible college. I was struck by the spiritual interpretation that many authors made of the New Testament books without taking a fundamental view. You see, a lot of Catholic scholars don't unquestioningly accept the historicity of some Biblical accounts, seeing some (not all) as allegorical, metaphorical, or even embellished by the author. Obviously, this also leaves room for the personal bias of many of the authors of Scripture.

Growing up as a conservative, fundamental Christian this was all very hard for me to swallow at first. I mean, at first I thought that if one called into question the absolute historicity of Biblical events, and allowed for personal bias for authors, wouldn't that cause the entire system to collapse? They said no. I was really affected by the arguments they made. I mean, there's the fundamental Christian in me that resists all this and wants to unquestioningly accept that the Bible is 100% historically accurate and therefore literally infallible. Then there's the logical, educated person in me who sees the arguments they make and agrees that they make sense. I've studied philosophy, debate and rhetoric. In every area of disagreement I always insist on logical arguments to support a point. When it comes to this argument I feel that the points made by these Catholic scholars make more logical sense than the arguments made by evangelical Christians to support the complete accuracy of Scripture, but still part of me rails against that idea.

I guess right now I'm in the process of figuring out what I believe about Scripture and how that affects my faith. I still believe that Jesus Christ was the Son of God, and that His death on the cross has paid the debt for my sin. I still believe in salvation by faith alone by the grace of God. I just need to figure out some of the little things like, say, whether I still believe Scripture is always historically accurate. I use that term carefully, because some people would say that I'm questioning whether the Bible is "true." However, as a student of literature I've come to learn that "true" and "historically accurate" are not necessarily the same thing.

Anyway, I really do want to keep blogging. I won't completely blame my lack of posts on this issue. There's also the issue of motivation. I feel bad for not blogging, but a lot of times I have other things to do, or I choose to do something else when I know I ought to blog. How do I fix that? Could someone install some sort of electric buzzer in my brain that shocks me when I play video games instead of blogging? I'd like to continue, but I can't say if it will be with any sort of regularity. If I can get a couple in a week I'll be happy.

Sorry for all the serious mumbo-jumbo. I'll try and get back to the funny soon. I hope I still got it.

Preaching for Dummies (One dummy, at least!)

So, I spoke at my church last Sunday. Well, technically, I team-preached. I'm such a newbie that I had to do the preaching equivalent of tandem skydiving.

We're doing the attributes of God. Each week we do two attributes that are unique to God, and one that He shares with us. My friend, J.P., spoke on omniscience and grace, and I got to talk on omnipotence for about 15 minutes in between the two. It was good times all around.

Here's a link if you want to hear my all-powerful message (and J.P.'s). I'm the guy who speaks in the middle.

I was surprised. Once I got behind that little music stand (we're a bunch of cheap bastards) I didn't feel nervous at all. You know, power of the Holy Spirit and all that. You can see a link to the Great Adventure Church's website over on the right, plus audio links to the sermons for anyone who's into boring stuff like I am. I think mine is over there too. But I didn't come here today to talk about me.

Well, actually I did. I mean, it is my blog.

The truth is, I would love to see more people get involved in their local churches. Now, I know that speaking in front of all those people, hopefully friends, can be daunting and possibly humiliating. That's why I'm putting together a tool for amateur preachers. It took me a while to come up with a simple, familiar way to help people put sermons together, but I think I finally have the answer.


What better way to teach people to practice at a new skill by using a fun, grammatically educational tool that kids and adults have been enjoying for years? I was going to call it Mad Libs for Preachers, but that seemed a little too obvious. In the end, I opted for Mad Libs: Sunday Edition. Here's an excerpt:


Using my proven* system you'll be preaching revival starting sermons in no time. I know what you're thinking: "Isn't this a little generic?"

Yes, it is! That's the genius of it. Trust me, it's foolproof. No one really knows what the Bible says anyway. Don't believe me? Go look up Hezekiah 12:27.

*I tested it on my wife. She was so profoundly affected that all she could do was sit there in awestruck silence.

Words Cannot Describe...

Thanks to Adoro Te Devote (who originally stole it from Crescat) for tonight's little merchandising monstrosity. What is it about my blog that appeals to Catholic sensibilities anyway?

Apparently someone read about my fictional JesuSeat and decided to start producing prototypes. I'm wondering if I should sue them for copyright infringement.


I can only guess that the beloved disciple, John by tradition, was the inspiration behind this thing. In case you don't remember your Bible:

John 13:23 - There was reclining on Jesus' bosom one of His disciples, whom Jesus loved.

As weird as that is to begin with, who'd have thought they'd carry it out in such a creepy way. Who would buy a chair in the likeness of the mythical European Jesus? Anthropomorphic chair collectors? Torture device aficionados?

What if the chair became possessed and decided to like grab you and hold you down while it walked off with you or something? I mean, it could do it! That chair has feet! Real feet like with toes and everything!

If you find it offensive to think that a chair that looks like Jesus could be possessed, then you have no right to be reading this blog.

Goodnight.

Between a Rock and a Tentacled Monstrosity

I know the time is growing short but I still haven't settled on a presidential candidate yet. I haven't been that impressed by Obama or McCain. I'm too liberal for McCain and too conservative for Obama, so what is a boy to do?

Luckily, these aren't the only two candidates.

I've decided to back one of two independent candidates. A lot of times during these elections we talk about having to settle for the lesser evil. Well, I say if you're voting for evil either way, why not go for the gold?

So here are the two (or three rather) potentials. The first is Max, The Drunken Severed Head and his running-mate, The Brain, from IT CAME FROM ALLEN'S BRAIN!

I know that the Brain is a big proponent of greater rights for the bodily-impaired, but I'm not entirely clear on all of their political positions yet. There seems to be a subtle undercurrent of world-domination running through their speeches and statements, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

The Brain is always laughing maniacally and Max is too drunk most of the time to stand up straight. At least, he would be if he, you know, had legs and stuff. I'm hoping I can sit these two down (metaphorically speaking) for an interview and get some straight answers.

One of the things keeping me from pushing this ticket is this: these two disembodied egomaniacs are so evil they might end up arch-nemeses and plunge the entire planet into civil war. On a ticket of pure evil that's to be expected but if the war comes I don't want to have to choose between these two evil juggernauts.

I'm sure we all expected Max and Allen's Brain to throw their lot in with the rest of the presidential hopefuls but my next option is more of a dark horse who's seen his popularity on the internet take off in recent weeks. Strangely enough, he's actually not from the United States. Now, that's technically unconstitutional but something tells me that's not going to stop him from running.

I covered his arrival in our dimension a couple of weeks ago. Well, it seems he's decided to enter the race, and I for one couldn't be more excited. I mean in terms of sheer evil you can't get much more horrific then Cthulhu. The likelihood of any of the current candidates reducing the Earth to a smoking pile of rubble are pretty high, so I'm thinking why not go out in the grips of a mindless, eternal nightmare, right? You can read a synopsis of the Great Ancient One's political leanings over at The Greater Evil. Here's an excerpt:

War: Great Cthulhu enthusiastically embraces the War on Poverty, the War on Terror, the Occupation of Afghanistan and the Occupation of Iraq. He supports the expansion of these petty and half-hearted, but glorious mortal efforts and further promises that, when elected, he will launch a War on Death, a War on Confusion, and will personally occupy no fewer than three additional formerly sovereign foreign nations, beginning with Swaziland.

If you're wondering why Cthulhu doesn't have a running mate you must not be too familiar with his work. Let's just say that whoever he picked wouldn't be fit to hold the job once he got into office. Besides, would you want to stand next to the guy in photo shoots?

I'm really excited about both of these candidates and I'll let you know about how I'm working out my decision in the coming weeks.

As for the candidates, a debate may or may not be a good idea as Cthulhu may immediately reduce his opponents to mindless gibbering shells of their former (already maimed) selves. But we'll see. Good luck to all the presidential hopefuls!

A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Witchcraft Go Down

The other night we offered a free babysitting service at church. We do this like every other month. I was one of the four people who showed up to help, and I was the only guy to boot. I helped freshman girls babysit six children of varying ages up to 5. It was our goal to tucker the kids out as quick as possible so we did everything from chasing them around their makeshift chair-fort to swinging them about by their ankles.

Eventually, after they were docile enough to sit in a chair, we put in a DVD. Apparently, The Little Mermaid is just plain scary for a five year old, and The Incredibles is too grown-up. Not according to the parents mind you. These are the words of the five year old.

Anyway, we settled on Mary Poppins. I've only seen this movie a couple times mind you. I never watched it as a kid (a travesty, I'm told), and my wife made me watch it as an adult. Let me just say that Dick Van Dyke is reason enough to watch the movie, but I'd have been interested if it was just 1960's Julie Andrews buttoning her coat for an hour and a half. Arf.

You most certainly may not 'call me sometime.'

However, watching the movie with little kids gave me pause to rethink it a little and I came to see the no-nonsense nanny in a different way. It took all the strength I had not to turn it off right then and there.

I can't believe that Christians, with all their little sensitivities, have let their children watch this for over two generations. Let me show you what I mean.

Why Mary Poppins is a Horrible Role Model for Christians

5. Mary Poppins is incredibly vain - All one has to do is listen to her interview with Mr. Banks to see just how highly Ms. Poppins thinks of herself. After the horse race you can surely see that false modesty is not her strong suit. 'Practically perfect in every way,' my foot. She's practically the blue-ribbon finalist of Vanity Fair.

4. Mary Poppins is manipulative - She's constantly putting ideas into people's heads. Really do you want your children to be able to get you to buy them video games and soda and then turn around and convince you it was your idea? I don't think so.

3. The movie implies that men are stupid - Listen to Mrs. Banks' suffrage song. Maybe this is more of a...personal grief. Still, God put us in charge, so NYEH!

2. Mary Poppins is a dirty drunk - In one of the bedtime scenes, she gives the children some 'medicine.' It's some magic, voodoo liquid candy or something actually, but whatever. The kids like their tasty medicine, which has a different flavor each time. Guess what Mary's is? Rum punch! She even gives a little hiccup afterward. Not only is she a drinker, but she can't handle the sauce.

1. Mary Poppins is a Satanic witch - This one should be a no-brainer folks. She flies in on a cloud, blows the other potential nannies away in a freak gust of wind (monopolize, much?) and takes the job right out of their wrinkly little hands. She slides up the banister in scene reminiscent of Linda Blair's spinning head and displays a number of other magical powers throughout the film. If Harry Potter's bad enough to shield our kids from, surely Mary Poppins should also be bearing the brunt of our wrath.

We Christians pride ourselves on being watchdogs, yet for over forty years we've let this she-devil avoid our damning gaze. We've successfully voiced our outrage over the likes of Harry Potter's bazillion iterations, The Golden Compass and others of their ilk. Don't let the soft spot in your heart for this one stop you from doing the right thing.

And shame on you Disney for like the millionth time. Sheesh.

Because Chocolate is Evil

We've all seen how people can take an idea with the Bible and run right off of a cliff with it. Here's another entry from the people who brought us the grape pills. They're still running as hot as ever and I found their take on the energy bar. They've named it aptly. Really, what else could they call it?


Be careful though! Even though these are foods sanctioned by God, there are a few warnings I think the company has overlooked. The Bible Bar should not be eaten by:

Atheists
Agnostics
Scientologists
Backsliders
Persons found to be in mortal sin
Persons with the following allergies:
Gluten
Nuts
Religion

The company that distributes this most holy of snacks is called House of David, America's Premier Distributor of Biblical Health Products. They have some interesting insight into the link between what people eat and their health:

Of course it still matters what we eat – otherwise there would be no harm in a diet of junk foods, high fat foods, highly processed foods and high calorie foods. As a matter of fact, nutritional research is showing us that there is a direct link between the diet we follow and the condition of our health. This being the case, then why would you not opt for the most perfect foods God ever created for man?

Isn't that just like a bunch of Christians? Years behind the curve. 3500 years to be exact. I'm wondering if we need to update the Lord's prayer for modern overly-fundamental Christians.

Our Father, who art in Heaven
Hallowed be Thy name
Thy Kingdom come
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in Heaven
Give us this day our daily Bible Bar
For the bread is bleached
And filled with preservatives

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Why am I doing two merchandise posts in a row? Well...

I read back through a bunch of the old posts. After all this time I was still thrilled by the response Kinda Kitschy got back then. The blog had real focus back then, and I have to admit, I feel those old posts were much funnier than the recent ones, and even many of the ones before the year hiatus. Where did the funny go? There's still going to be a lot of experimenting going on here, but I feel myself drifting back to my original intention for KK already. You know, we'll see how it goes. I want your feedback folks, especially those of you who have been here since the beginning. You know who you are.

Oh, and send me more kitsch! Many of the most frequent contributors are still reading, so break out those cameras again and make my life easier.

Don't Stand for that Devil Music

It's a little disturbing to me when I find Christian merchandise I'm pretty sure I never could have made up. Then I realize it's less work for me, so everything's cool.

Do any of you play video games? Sorry, stupid question.

Well, pretend that you do. Those music games are really popular right now. You know the ones. They're called like "Guitar God" or "Satanic Band" or something like that. You strum this fake, plastic guitar and press buttons in time to popular rock 'n roll songs. Sure, that sounds like oodles of fun, you're thinking. But I bet you wish that instead of getting your kicks to soul-corrupting tunes like "Slow Ride" and "Black Magic Woman" (need I say more?) you could jam out to something a little more, I don't know, holy?

No? Well, apparently someone did.

As you can see, this is Guitar Praise: Solid Rock. Get it? Solid Rock? As in "On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand." Clever, eh?

Seriously though, I have to give them some credit for moving beyond the usual Christian video game offering. However the fact that it's yet another attempt of Christians trying to copy what's popular in mainstream culture is a mark against them. I've railed on the Church's apparent lack of originality before.

One indication of just how far they want to take this can be seen in a quote from the game's Features page: "Power Duel Mode sends surprises to mess with your opponent."

Surprises? Seriously? Apparently you can send a bouquet of flowers with a nice note attached, or a box of kittens. I hope they claw your opponent's face off.

The song list does contain a few bands or artists notable for being genuinely talented in a sea of mediocrity (Caedmon's Call, David Crowder Band, Skillet). But there are definitely some questionable choices on there, such as tobyMac. The guy doesn't even capitalize his own name, and that always bothered me.

I think Jesus would even have a hard time listening to that guy droning on for three minutes.