Move Over Windows

Digital Accountability began as a division of Christuff Industries devoted to producing nothing but wholesome, family-oriented, restrictively Christian computer software. For a long time, we only managed to come up with various flavors of computerized Bibles.

Finally, a few years ago, we realized this whole internet thing wasn't the fad we'd thought it was going to be. It would fall to us to combat the virtual hordes of smut waiting out there to corrupt the minds of obedient Christians. We set out to create a dynamic web filtering software, dynamic meaning that it would evolve, perpetually become more prohibitive. After years of hard programming we released the most comprehensive digital filter software the world had ever seen. The Crusader web filtering software blocked content related to several thousand keywords, a few of which are:

Sex
Pornography
Profanity
Violence
Islam
Terrorism
News
Dancing
Environmentalism
Video Games
Fun
Music
Judaism
Alcohol
Sugar

We were touted as the heroes of Christianity's digital future and our software was bought by the hundreds by churches and schools. We saw the void there was for truly Christian software, so we thought, "Why should we stop there?" We continually built around the Crusader software and now, we are proud to introduce to you the world's first Christian OS!

Doors is a fully outfitted home computing experience. It contains all of the features you would expect from a more popular operating system, but with added features and security to protect the mind and purity of the Christian user. The software is currently still in beta, and is due to be released in late 2010. However, we can tell you about some of the more popular features. Doors is:

Secure!
-A randomly generated Bible trivia question will be required at every login!
-All downloads are prohibited without a randomly generated alpha-numeric password which is e-mailed to the administrator once a month!
-Proprietary "Firepillar" software permanently closes all ports!

Family Friendly!
-Automatically loaded with with an un-removable and un-customizable version of the Crusader web filtering software!
-Blocks any attempt to install video games (except Digital Accountability Bible games)!
-Will not play DVD's with ratings above PG!

Accountability!
-Includes 10gb keylogging cache that can only be cleared once per year!
-Automatically e-mails copies of browsing history to administrator, employers, and church elders!

Worship!
-Automatically sets desktop to Thomas Kinkade wallpapers, complete with inspirational sayings and Bible verses!
-GodTunes software lets you fill your hard-drive with inspirational Gospel and Christian country music, and nothing but!

These are just a fraction of the God-honoring features that will ship when Doors is released commercially later this year for the low price of $675! Digital Accountability has become the leading name in morally restrictive Christian software, and with Doors you won't have to worry about your free will getting in the way of your holiness!

Back With A...Something

So, today, on my first post since Moses was in diapers, I've decided that it's time to correct a grievous error here at Kinda Kitschy. You may recall a small feature known as "Kitschy Wishes". Now, I don't know if I was high, tired, or just really, really hungry when I came up with that name, but I was thinking the other day of how much it sucks. Finally, God bestowed upon me a revelation of the name that I should have given that feature in the first place:

Kitschy Kreations

Yeah, I know. How did I not think of that before? I mean, I am an English major right? A bad English major, considering that I'm spelling "creation" with a K, but an English major nonetheless. You wouldn't think simple alliteration would be beyond my ken. Oh well.

So that's the new name for posts when I bring you the Christian products of tomorrow straight from my imagination. It just so happens that I have such a treat for you today!

Introducing, the Ford Redemption!


I know what your thinking: That's just a random picture of a Crown Victoria on a golf course!

Well, it's not, okay?

Anyway, the Redemption is America's first Christian car. Ford has always put America first, and what's more American than Jesus?

The Ford Redemption comes with many features exclusive to America's first Christian car, such as a Pre-Installed Jesus Fish!


CD/MP3 Player and Satellite Radio with patented EternaPlay technology which programs your radio with nothing but Christian stations, and keeps it that way!


But best of all, the Redemption features state of the art laser guidance systems, which keep you traveling at or under the speed limit wherever you go!

Another witnessing opportunity from the Redemption!

So take to the road with Jesus and the Redemption, and you'll be singing "In the Highways" before you know it!

My parents conceived me in the back of '79 Humor-Blogs.com!

Verily, I say Unto Thee, They're Always After Me Providence Charms!

Miss Kitty from Educated and Poor sent me this. Now, I'm not sure what kind of seedy places she's hanging around at where she can get pictures like this. I'm worried about her. We might need to stage an intervention.

Anyway, here's the piece:


In case you have the eyesight of a diabetic bat, this tie is littered with pictures of golden hearts, folded hands, Crosses, Bibles, and music notes. I'm not really sure what the music notes have to do necessarily with the rest of the items, but oh well.

Hey...this gives me an idea! Hearts, Hands, Crosses, Bibles, Music Notes!


Providence Charms! The Christian Cereal! As Christians, we all know that there's no such thing as luck. Now, you can send that message to the world with your breakfast! Providence Charms, part of a well-balanced breakfast. This commercial interruption brought to you by Kitschy Wishes!

If only I had the photoshop skills of Diesel, of Mattress Police fame, this fake ad would have looked ten times better.

I always start my day off right, with a hearty bowl of Humor-Blogs.com!

The Body of Christ

Once again, it's time for Kitschy Wishes, where I bring to you all the non-existent Christian merchandise that you want to see but are too ashamed to invent!

This week, we bring you the latest in Christian fitness! Move over Dr. Ben Lerner! There's a new Christian health guru in town! You asked for it! No, really, you did. Look here. It's the Cross-Trainer™!

Scripture tells us to imitate Christ in all things, so, why not in the way we exercise, too!

Using state of the art tension "Crosses" that you can adjust to any resistance level, the Cross trainer lets you care for your earthly vessel the Christian way! Plus, you can unlatch the outer Cross to use as a free weight and experience your Lord's journey to Calvary, with that old rugged cross on His back!

Remember, as children of God, we have the mind of Christ, and now, with the Cross-Trainer's™ help, you can be His body, and have it too!

This product was the singular inspiration of Rob from Truth Like the Dark!

Today's kitsch is brought to you by the letter Q and Humor-Blogs.com.

Kitschy Wishes to All!

I've decided to test out a new regular to semi-regular feature here on Kinda Kitschy. Now, I know what you're thinking. Where's T-Shirt Tuesday been for the last two weeks? I assure you T-Shirt Tuesday is safe and sound sitting in a box where I placed him or her for the duration of the holidays. I just forgot where I put the box.

Anyway, the new feature is tentatively called Kitschy Wishes, and it goes something like this: every week or two I will come up with some absolutely ridiculous piece of completely fictional Christian merchandise, and I will post a completely fictional advertisement for said product on Kinda Kitschy.

Sounds fun, no?

So, borne from my work shift boredom, here is the first installment of Kitschy Wishes! Enjoy!

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Does sitting back in your favorite La-Z-Boy make you feel, well, lazy? Does reclining back and watching the tube make you feel like a boob? Don't you just wish something would come along that could let you relax and serve the Lord? If so, you might just call our next product...a Godsend!

Christistuff Industries proudly presents:

The JesuSeat™!

At first glance, the JesuSeat™ may look like any ordinary recliner, but we promise you, it isn't!

First, feel the warm relaxation as you sit in your new JesuSeat™, and rest your head against the face of your Savior! Located behind Jesus' face is a fully programmable MP3 player to listen to those new Christian rock tunes, or sermons, complete with noise cancelling headphones!

The JesuSeat™ comes equipped with a writing desk perfect for jotting down prayer requests, preparing notes for your Sunday sermon, or taking Bible study notes! But forget that old leather and paper Bible! It's time to introduce you to the 21st century! That's why the JesuSeat™ comes with a custom JesuSeat edition electronic NIV Bible, with fully searchable concordance, swivel mounted for group teaching convenience!

But, wait! There's more!

Pull away the footrest cover to find a fully-functional stainless steel sink with retractable faucet! No more filling messy buckets to wash each others' feet! With the all-new patented FootSink™, you can show your love and humility toward your brothers and sisters in Christ, and lavish them in comfort at the same time!

Who wants to sit around like a lazy bum all day? With the JesuSeat™ you can praise in comfort!

And, remember, WWJL™! Where would Jesus lounge?