Friday, February 05, 2010

Move Over Windows

Digital Accountability began as a division of Christuff Industries devoted to producing nothing but wholesome, family-oriented, restrictively Christian computer software. For a long time, we only managed to come up with various flavors of computerized Bibles.

Finally, a few years ago, we realized this whole internet thing wasn't the fad we'd thought it was going to be. It would fall to us to combat the virtual hordes of smut waiting out there to corrupt the minds of obedient Christians. We set out to create a dynamic web filtering software, dynamic meaning that it would evolve, perpetually become more prohibitive. After years of hard programming we released the most comprehensive digital filter software the world had ever seen. The Crusader web filtering software blocked content related to several thousand keywords, a few of which are:

Video Games

We were touted as the heroes of Christianity's digital future and our software was bought by the hundreds by churches and schools. We saw the void there was for truly Christian software, so we thought, "Why should we stop there?" We continually built around the Crusader software and now, we are proud to introduce to you the world's first Christian OS!

Doors is a fully outfitted home computing experience. It contains all of the features you would expect from a more popular operating system, but with added features and security to protect the mind and purity of the Christian user. The software is currently still in beta, and is due to be released in late 2010. However, we can tell you about some of the more popular features. Doors is:

-A randomly generated Bible trivia question will be required at every login!
-All downloads are prohibited without a randomly generated alpha-numeric password which is e-mailed to the administrator once a month!
-Proprietary "Firepillar" software permanently closes all ports!

Family Friendly!
-Automatically loaded with with an un-removable and un-customizable version of the Crusader web filtering software!
-Blocks any attempt to install video games (except Digital Accountability Bible games)!
-Will not play DVD's with ratings above PG!

-Includes 10gb keylogging cache that can only be cleared once per year!
-Automatically e-mails copies of browsing history to administrator, employers, and church elders!

-Automatically sets desktop to Thomas Kinkade wallpapers, complete with inspirational sayings and Bible verses!
-GodTunes software lets you fill your hard-drive with inspirational Gospel and Christian country music, and nothing but!

These are just a fraction of the God-honoring features that will ship when Doors is released commercially later this year for the low price of $675! Digital Accountability has become the leading name in morally restrictive Christian software, and with Doors you won't have to worry about your free will getting in the way of your holiness!

1 comment:

Allen's Brain said...

Wow! Fantastic and brutal! I actually do know people who've found programs like Covenant Eyes helpful, but a "Christian" OS... genius!

We MUST Christianize all cultural influences! You will be assimilated--if you're REALLY a Christian, that is.