Monday, February 01, 2010

And the Winner Is...Nobody

How do you get Lady GaGa's attention?

You p-p-poke her face. ROFL.

The Grammy's (Grammies? The apostrophe bothers me, the other looks like a nickname for grandmothers) aired last night. Like everyone, I've been having to bear the onslaught of uninhibited opinion that inevitably follows any large-scale declaration of worth.

I've always been a fan of music. Er...I might need to refine that. Saying that is akin to saying, "I like food." It's information about oneself, per se, but it doesn't exactly serve to define you separate from the human race. Suffice it to say, I listen to music while doing anything and everything: walking, cleaning, playing video games, eating, writing, driving, showering.

Okay, maybe not showering.

When I get in a car, I don't listen to what the radio tells me to listen to. I am militant about what I play in the car. When you unwittingly climb into my car, I will forcibly subject you to what I think you should be listening to. For a (greatly abridged) list of bands I like, see my profile.

Egotism aside, I've never been a fan of the Grammy's, rarely a fan of mainstream music, and a fan of Christian music more rarely still. As a Christian, I'm disturbed by our condemnation of popular media while we scramble so hard to imitate it.

The Dove awards, the Grammy Awards better behaved younger brother, awards so-called Christian musical "artists" in many of the same categories as the Grammy's: Song of the Year, Album of the Year, Best Gospel Bluegrass-Country-Twang-Hybrid Album of the Year.

Had I my way, I'd eradicate all awards shows. That not being the case, I'll give you some of my ideas for award categories for the Gospel Music Association Dove Awards. Since I'm about as familiar with Christian music as I am with mainstream secular music, I can't assign winners to most of these. But I can tell you that in Christian music, each category has a very clear winner.

Best Band Who Signed to a Secular Label to "Attract Unbeliever$"

Best Band Trying to Sound like Popular Secular Rock Band

Best White Christian Rapper (TobyMac wins this automatically, though best is
debatable. I think he's won a Grammy, too. Go figure.)

Best Singing Group Pretending Gospel is Still Relevant

Best Band with Lyrics Ambiguous Enough to Sound Vaguely Christian

Best Aging Pop Star Turning to Gospel to Find New Audience

Anyway, that's just a few. Maybe leave some in the comments and we can get our own awards show going.


Jacks said...

How could you forget the ever-coveted "Band Most Comprised of Members Still in Grade School?"

I always wanted that one.

Kilgore said...

Are there Christian versions of the Jonas Brothers?

Or are they in high school? Don't ask me.

Leiris Elipses said...

How about "Best Female Singing Group Most in Touch with Current Fashions While Maintaining Mom-like Modesty"?

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