The Joke

So, the question is, "How do I relate to my faith?" Or maybe, "How do I want to relate to my faith?"

The right (read: Christian) answer is, "You don't." Your faith, ideally, is not something you relate to. It's just something you are. You don't relate to your height, or the color of your eyes, or the myriad other factual observances that fall under the heading Me.

Then again, people write books about their faith. They sing about their faith. They write blogs about it. You don't blog about having big hands, or being a white person. Unless you're clever enough to be really, really ironic and turn it into a book deal.

So I do relate to it.

I used to relate to it by saying statements that equated to, "I am this type of Christian, and not that type of Christian." But in doing so, I was essentially dividing Christians into the good kinds, and the not as good kinds. I was being a hipster with my Christianity.

Really, I am them, and they are me. In Christianity, when push comes to shove, the only difference between me and the guy sitting next to me is whether he believes, or doesn't believe. Everything after that is semantics and preference.

I used to relate to my faith with humor, and still do to a lesser extent. I really still want to write about that. But I'm not sure I know how, anymore.

Not because that other type of Christian doesn't deserve it. They do. We all do. But they're not in on the joke. And something about that bothers me.

Also...being here, in the place I occupy in this life at this moment, I don't feel the urgency of the slacks-wearing Sunday crowd in the way I once did. Being in this young church with these creative people, I feel like maybe the Christianity of Billy Graham is getting ready to pass the torch, though probably muttering, "Back in my day..." while it does so.

The preponderance of a young, savvy, over-educated youth in the places of worship and halls of Christian learning has started to take its toll. The church is changing. And doing what I did, it feels like soon, maybe nobody will get the joke. There won't be a frame of reference.

Adventures In Extreme Moral Rectitude (The Tyranny of the Upright)

I don't know if you know this, but I went to Bible college. Yeah, yeah, I know. I don't seem stuck up enough to be a Bible college alum, do I?

Don't answer that.

I only spent a year there. It was like this year-long Bible study. Actually, it wasn't like that. That's exactly what it was. Honestly, it was the best year of my life. I learned about God's Word in an in-depth way I'd never experienced before. I made a ton of new friends. I met my wife. Meals were shared. Stories were told. Pranks were had. Oh, the pranks they pull at that place.

Then, of course, after I left everything hit the fan. Everything got way more strict than it already was. The guy who recruited me got fired because he dared to recruit from places not affiliated with the school's denomination. This of course, was two years after they'd told him to increase enrollment by whatever means he could, and he raised it 7% each consecutive year he was there.

My good friend got fired because he made a post about what beer he liked on a non-affiliated alumni website. In fact, they told other people they were going to fire him before they told him. He found out via third party. Awkward, right?

They have this document at this school called "The Lifestyle Covenant". It's this document they make you sign that says I will not do this, or this, or this, or that, or this, or this, or that other thing. You notice how they call it a "covenant" to make it sound all Biblical? Yeah, they do that with a lot of things.

It looks kind of like this:

Inexorable Bible College Lifestyle Covenant

1. I will refrain from engaging in sexually explicit behavior, or engaging in behaviors intended to increase physical gratification, or public displays of affection while enrolled at Inexorable Bible College. These behaviors may include.

-Hand-holding
-Kissing
-Sitting on lap
-Fondling
-Baby talk
-Gazing longingly
-Soliloquoys
-Intercourse
-Rainbow parties
-Roman orgies

2. I will refrain from engaging in social dancing of any form, consentual or otherwise, while enrolled at Inexorable Bible College. This includes dancing while at parties, weddings, or around a dining room table with my girlfriends while we drink margaritas. However, dancing a wild dance unto the Lord may be acceptable, so long as I am wearing a loincloth while doing so.

3. I will refrain from the use of alcohol, tobacco, and illegal drugs while enrolled at Inexorable Bible College, even if I am 21 and it's only one glass of Chiraz and grandma's Christmas party and I know the faculty are partaking of the fruit of the vine. If I witness a classmate engaging in the unlawful consumption of aforementioned substances, I will tell everyone I know about it, including the Dean, before I say anything to my classmate about it. In fact, I might forego that last part altogether.

4. Engagements between couples may only become public knowledge at the discretion of the Student Judiciary Board and must meet certain criteria.

The Couple:

-is considered mature enough to enter such a holy state.
-has the permission of the parents, or the marriage has been pre-arranged.
-has presented an acceptable dowry both to the groom's parents and the Board of the College. Cash, livestock, and/or electronics are all considered acceptable dowry.

5. In the event of an election year, I will refrain from voting Democrat.

I'm exaggerating a bit, but it is pretty ridiculous. The thing I can never get over is this "while enrolled at" clause. It means you can't do those things while on campus, off campus, or 600 miles away at home where no one you know has heard of or cares about Inexorable Bible College. My wife had to sign that last year, since she was a student, and was afraid to go out even once with me for a drink.

The hypocrisy of it all amuses and upsets me all at the same time. They never take official stances by saying that it's a sin to drink alcohol, or that the way their churches worship is right. It's like a roundabout way of condemning all that stuff without being legalistic. The faculty is not immune either. I'm sure they think twice before inviting someone over.

Sometimes I can almost hear them wondering aloud why enrollment has dropped.

Joel over at Crummy Church Signs recently celebrated his 4th Blog-iversary! Congratulations, Joel. If you haven't already head over and check out the crumminess.

The larger font is in response to Siouxsieq at Siouxsie's Musings. Hopefully this is a good change for everyone. I've often wondered if the font was too small.

Humor-Blogs.com also likes to dance around tables and drink margaritas with its girlfriends.

Not Quite Like Riding a Bike (The Trouble with Titles)

Hello masses, unwashed and otherwise. It's been just over a year since I left you all to your own devices. You're all older and wiser than when I left you. I'm older and...heavier than when I left you.

Don't misunderstand me. It's not like I'm crawling back to you on hands and knees, but, to put this very bluntly, I want you back.

All I know is that I need to get out all these strange, squishy feelings that keep intruding on my me-time. Really, though, I've missed you. You guys were like a second family to me, a second family that I've never met and for all I know could be murderers, rapists, or liberals. Family, yeah. You know who you are.

Everything I said in my previous post is still true. My life with my church family is still as rich as it was, richer even. Like I said before, at the end it felt like all I was doing was complaining. I wasn't adding anything to the dialogue. But I want to come back. There I things I need to say, but it seemed like my sense of humor was being wasted on the cat.

I can't keep doing what I was doing before partly for the aforementioned reasons. I still want to poke Christianity with a sharp stick, to be sure. However, trolling the interwebs for appalling Christian merchandise every other day was getting taxing. I'll definitely still use that as a feature, but it won't be the whole focus of the blog. I've only decided on a couple regular features I want to have here, but I think they're good ideas. Plus it'll give me something to think about in my really boring classes.

Posting might be kind of slapdash until I get the format down. If I can get my hands on what I need I'll be bringing you another post later today to kick off the festivities.

I don't expect everyone to come flocking back. If any old friends show up it'll exceed my expectations. I can't wait to get back into the swing of things.