Friday, September 12, 2008

Adventures In Extreme Moral Rectitude (The Tyranny of the Upright)


I don't know if you know this, but I went to Bible college. Yeah, yeah, I know. I don't seem stuck up enough to be a Bible college alum, do I?

Don't answer that.

I only spent a year there. It was like this year-long Bible study. Actually, it wasn't like that. That's exactly what it was. Honestly, it was the best year of my life. I learned about God's Word in an in-depth way I'd never experienced before. I made a ton of new friends. I met my wife. Meals were shared. Stories were told. Pranks were had. Oh, the pranks they pull at that place.

Then, of course, after I left everything hit the fan. Everything got way more strict than it already was. The guy who recruited me got fired because he dared to recruit from places not affiliated with the school's denomination. This of course, was two years after they'd told him to increase enrollment by whatever means he could, and he raised it 7% each consecutive year he was there.

My good friend got fired because he made a post about what beer he liked on a non-affiliated alumni website. In fact, they told other people they were going to fire him before they told him. He found out via third party. Awkward, right?

They have this document at this school called "The Lifestyle Covenant". It's this document they make you sign that says I will not do this, or this, or this, or that, or this, or this, or that other thing. You notice how they call it a "covenant" to make it sound all Biblical? Yeah, they do that with a lot of things.

It looks kind of like this:

Inexorable Bible College Lifestyle Covenant

1. I will refrain from engaging in sexually explicit behavior, or engaging in behaviors intended to increase physical gratification, or public displays of affection while enrolled at Inexorable Bible College. These behaviors may include.

-Hand-holding
-Kissing
-Sitting on lap
-Fondling
-Baby talk
-Gazing longingly
-Soliloquoys
-Intercourse
-Rainbow parties
-Roman orgies


2.
I will refrain from engaging in social dancing of any form, consentual or otherwise, while enrolled at Inexorable Bible College. This includes dancing while at parties, weddings, or around a dining room table with my girlfriends while we drink margaritas. However, dancing a wild dance unto the Lord may be acceptable, so long as I am wearing a loincloth while doing so.

3. I will refrain from the use of alcohol, tobacco, and illegal drugs while enrolled at Inexorable Bible College, even if I am 21 and it's only one glass of Chiraz and grandma's Christmas party and I know the faculty are partaking of the fruit of the vine. If I witness a classmate engaging in the unlawful consumption of aforementioned substances, I will tell everyone I know about it, including the Dean, before I say anything to my classmate about it. In fact, I might forego that last part altogether.

4. Engagements between couples may only become public knowledge at the discretion of the Student Judiciary Board and must meet certain criteria.

The Couple:

-is considered mature enough to enter such a holy state.
-has the permission of the parents, or the marriage has been pre-arranged.
-has presented an acceptable dowry both to the groom's parents and the Board of the College. Cash, livestock, and/or electronics are all considered acceptable dowry.

5. In the event of an election year, I will refrain from voting Democrat.

I'm exaggerating a bit, but it is pretty ridiculous. The thing I can never get over is this "while enrolled at" clause. It means you can't do those things while on campus, off campus, or 600 miles away at home where no one you know has heard of or cares about Inexorable Bible College. My wife had to sign that last year, since she was a student, and was afraid to go out even once with me for a drink.

The hypocrisy of it all amuses and upsets me all at the same time. They never take official stances by saying that it's a sin to drink alcohol, or that the way their churches worship is right. It's like a roundabout way of condemning all that stuff without being legalistic. The faculty is not immune either. I'm sure they think twice before inviting someone over.

Sometimes I can almost hear them wondering aloud why enrollment has dropped.

Joel over at Crummy Church Signs recently celebrated his 4th Blog-iversary! Congratulations, Joel. If you haven't already head over and check out the crumminess.

The larger font is in response to Siouxsieq at Siouxsie's Musings. Hopefully this is a good change for everyone. I've often wondered if the font was too small.

Humor-Blogs.com also likes to dance around tables and drink margaritas with its girlfriends.

4 comments:

PraiseDivineMercy said...

Wow... your college sounds like the Baptist stereotype on speed.

Made me think of this: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8247919018903779925&vt=lf&hl=en

Adoro te Devote said...

Hee hee! They could have shortened it: "Sign here for enrollement if you're deceased."

I have a picture taken of me and a group of friends as we played bocce ball with a couple other friends who are Priests. We all have drinks in our hands (because that's the ONLY way to play Bocce!). And then we climbed the church bell tower. No wonder people think Catholics are going to Hell! ROFL! (To be clear and to protect the innocent...no one got sauced!)

Claire said...

Oh, it's not just evangelical colleges that can get like that. I am thinking in particular of a certain Catholic college whose prohibitions include the watching of R-rated movies, intervisitation between men's and women's dorms at any time of day*, and leaving campus without the permission of the both the Dean and your parents.

Now that's what I call a good time.

*This includes being on the opposite sex's side of campus after curfew, as well as hanging around the doors or windows of the dorms.

Allen's Brain said...

Wow! What kind of a morally-slack, liberal institution did you attend, Gregory? They had both genders attending? Don't they know the potential for lust that a co-ed student body creates?

You should've gone to Pharisee University like I did.