Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Weird Science

Fake News for Real People

In a breakthrough experiment today, scientists fired up the Large Hadron Collider, a seventeen mile pipeline underneath the Franco-Swiss border. It is the world's largest particle collider. The LHC has been under construction for nearly thirteen years, and today was to be considered a red letter day for many scientists. Scientists have spent months quelling rumors that the machine will destroy the Earth. Renowned British physicist declared the machine "absolutely safe".

Some Christian groups have renounced the experiment, citing it as man's attempt to, again, play God. Many have declared that God will use this "last folly" to bring about Armageddon. Rev. Jeremiah Hogwallop who has been using his members' donations to build an enormous bomb shelter for his congregation.

"When that there Doomsday comes, " Hogwallop told reporters, "we's gon' be ready." Scientists have laughed at these doomsayers, calling predictions by Christians to be nothing but "science-fiction."

However, in a surprising turn of events the LHC ripped an enormous hole in the space-time continuum in the early hours of the morning. Or later tonight. It's hard to tell at this point(s).

The attending scientists believe that as the beam travelled around the 17 mile track, it collided with some small piece of matter. The resulting explosion violently ripped a hole in the universe that is, according to scientists, "about the size of an aircraft carrier."

Lead particle physicist Pierre Pamplemousse had this to say (translated): "We were all very surprised. Especially after Hawking said the damn thing was safe. I mean, if you can't take the cripple's word for it, who can you trust? Yeah, this is definitely going to set us back a bit."

The light from the hole is blinding. As it spreads, the consequences of such a catastrophic event multiply. The French government has been attempting to aid the facility's staff in handling the number of temporal anomalies.

"There've been a number of surprises," a spokesperson told FNN. "While trying to close up the tear early on several scientists came face to face with Jesus. He was apparently using the temporal rift to speak with Moses and Elijah. They all asked Him several questions. Apparently He and the prophets just laughed and Jesus winked at them before that particular wormhole closed. It was a troubling experience for all involved."

When asked whether the events could cause any adverse effects, such as the destruction of the entire universe, Pamplemousse told us, "How should I know? I mean, I think I saw myself in the shower yesterday morning. I looked at me and we were both all like 'WTF?!' Isn't that supposed to like shatter the continuum or something? I'm still here."

However, the largest problem for workers to deal with now is the enormous Cthulhu that has recently writhed its way through the growing rift from the foulest corners of beyond to manifest its dark song and make our nightmares flesh.

The Old One Emerges

The French government has had little to say about the event. When asked whether the monstrous demi-god would prove a widespread problem, one official told reporters simply, "Oh God! I can see forever!"


Diesel said...

Dude, you're back! It's like the good old days!

Joel B. said...

I love the idea of a French scientist saying "WTF?". Imagining how it would sound makes it even funnier.

CMinor said...

Let's see..that would be doo-bleh-veh-teh-effe, non?

I think the French version would be something along the lines of QQCQC not including the expletive. Too many letters!

Funny stuff, Gregory--welcome back!

Gregory said...

Diesel - Thanks, it's good to be back. I can't believe how much HB has taken off. Way to go.

Joel - "WTF?!" was definitely a rough translation.

cminor - It's good to know I now have a resident French expert trolling around these parts. I'll be sure to come to you if I need to know some funny French curse words. The only one I know is "Zut!"

Allen's Brain said...

So that guy who comes in and sitsin the back row on Sunday mornings is Cthuluhu! Well, that helps to know.

Time for that sermon on exorcism, I guess...

Gregory said...

Oh yeah. Sorry if I'm the only one who gets those Cthulhu references.

Joel B. said...

Oh, I got it. No worries.

PraiseDivineMercy said...

Welcome back! We missed you.

Your college sounds...interesting...

Here's a post idea as well: