Between a Rock and a Tentacled Monstrosity

I know the time is growing short but I still haven't settled on a presidential candidate yet. I haven't been that impressed by Obama or McCain. I'm too liberal for McCain and too conservative for Obama, so what is a boy to do?

Luckily, these aren't the only two candidates.

I've decided to back one of two independent candidates. A lot of times during these elections we talk about having to settle for the lesser evil. Well, I say if you're voting for evil either way, why not go for the gold?

So here are the two (or three rather) potentials. The first is Max, The Drunken Severed Head and his running-mate, The Brain, from IT CAME FROM ALLEN'S BRAIN!

I know that the Brain is a big proponent of greater rights for the bodily-impaired, but I'm not entirely clear on all of their political positions yet. There seems to be a subtle undercurrent of world-domination running through their speeches and statements, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

The Brain is always laughing maniacally and Max is too drunk most of the time to stand up straight. At least, he would be if he, you know, had legs and stuff. I'm hoping I can sit these two down (metaphorically speaking) for an interview and get some straight answers.

One of the things keeping me from pushing this ticket is this: these two disembodied egomaniacs are so evil they might end up arch-nemeses and plunge the entire planet into civil war. On a ticket of pure evil that's to be expected but if the war comes I don't want to have to choose between these two evil juggernauts.

I'm sure we all expected Max and Allen's Brain to throw their lot in with the rest of the presidential hopefuls but my next option is more of a dark horse who's seen his popularity on the internet take off in recent weeks. Strangely enough, he's actually not from the United States. Now, that's technically unconstitutional but something tells me that's not going to stop him from running.

I covered his arrival in our dimension a couple of weeks ago. Well, it seems he's decided to enter the race, and I for one couldn't be more excited. I mean in terms of sheer evil you can't get much more horrific then Cthulhu. The likelihood of any of the current candidates reducing the Earth to a smoking pile of rubble are pretty high, so I'm thinking why not go out in the grips of a mindless, eternal nightmare, right? You can read a synopsis of the Great Ancient One's political leanings over at The Greater Evil. Here's an excerpt:

War: Great Cthulhu enthusiastically embraces the War on Poverty, the War on Terror, the Occupation of Afghanistan and the Occupation of Iraq. He supports the expansion of these petty and half-hearted, but glorious mortal efforts and further promises that, when elected, he will launch a War on Death, a War on Confusion, and will personally occupy no fewer than three additional formerly sovereign foreign nations, beginning with Swaziland.

If you're wondering why Cthulhu doesn't have a running mate you must not be too familiar with his work. Let's just say that whoever he picked wouldn't be fit to hold the job once he got into office. Besides, would you want to stand next to the guy in photo shoots?

I'm really excited about both of these candidates and I'll let you know about how I'm working out my decision in the coming weeks.

As for the candidates, a debate may or may not be a good idea as Cthulhu may immediately reduce his opponents to mindless gibbering shells of their former (already maimed) selves. But we'll see. Good luck to all the presidential hopefuls!

Weird Science

FAKE NEWS NETWORK

Fake News for Real People

In a breakthrough experiment today, scientists fired up the Large Hadron Collider, a seventeen mile pipeline underneath the Franco-Swiss border. It is the world's largest particle collider. The LHC has been under construction for nearly thirteen years, and today was to be considered a red letter day for many scientists. Scientists have spent months quelling rumors that the machine will destroy the Earth. Renowned British physicist declared the machine "absolutely safe".

Some Christian groups have renounced the experiment, citing it as man's attempt to, again, play God. Many have declared that God will use this "last folly" to bring about Armageddon. Rev. Jeremiah Hogwallop who has been using his members' donations to build an enormous bomb shelter for his congregation.

"When that there Doomsday comes, " Hogwallop told reporters, "we's gon' be ready." Scientists have laughed at these doomsayers, calling predictions by Christians to be nothing but "science-fiction."

However, in a surprising turn of events the LHC ripped an enormous hole in the space-time continuum in the early hours of the morning. Or later tonight. It's hard to tell at this point(s).

The attending scientists believe that as the beam travelled around the 17 mile track, it collided with some small piece of matter. The resulting explosion violently ripped a hole in the universe that is, according to scientists, "about the size of an aircraft carrier."

Lead particle physicist Pierre Pamplemousse had this to say (translated): "We were all very surprised. Especially after Hawking said the damn thing was safe. I mean, if you can't take the cripple's word for it, who can you trust? Yeah, this is definitely going to set us back a bit."

The light from the hole is blinding. As it spreads, the consequences of such a catastrophic event multiply. The French government has been attempting to aid the facility's staff in handling the number of temporal anomalies.

"There've been a number of surprises," a spokesperson told FNN. "While trying to close up the tear early on several scientists came face to face with Jesus. He was apparently using the temporal rift to speak with Moses and Elijah. They all asked Him several questions. Apparently He and the prophets just laughed and Jesus winked at them before that particular wormhole closed. It was a troubling experience for all involved."

When asked whether the events could cause any adverse effects, such as the destruction of the entire universe, Pamplemousse told us, "How should I know? I mean, I think I saw myself in the shower yesterday morning. I looked at me and we were both all like 'WTF?!' Isn't that supposed to like shatter the continuum or something? I'm still here."

However, the largest problem for workers to deal with now is the enormous Cthulhu that has recently writhed its way through the growing rift from the foulest corners of beyond to manifest its dark song and make our nightmares flesh.

The Old One Emerges

The French government has had little to say about the event. When asked whether the monstrous demi-god would prove a widespread problem, one official told reporters simply, "Oh God! I can see forever!"

Harry Potter and the Evangelical Backlash

Virginia Beach, VA: Pat Robertson, author and host of the controversial Christian news program The 700 Club, began a vehement campaign this week to counteract the upcoming release of the seventh Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

"The Harry Potter phenomenon has reached epidemic proportions," he told reporters, "and it's time for the Christians of the United States and Britain to do something about it."

Robertson later told the crowd, which had gathered in front of the Waldenbooks at local Carson Mall in Virginia Beach, that "young children who fall prey to the occultist seduction found in Harry Potter begin an inevitable slide into Satanism that can only be countered by the action of good Christian folks."

Robertson at Carson Mall Waldenbooks

During the forty minute speech, Robertson called for a complete boycott of all Harry Potter merchandise, and any secondary merchandise related to the books, by American and British Christians, saying that God had given him a vision that Rowling's demonic empire was soon destined to fall. "The Lord didn't say it would be a book burning," he told the crowd, "but I do believe it will be something like that."

Robertson told spectators at another gathering that it is their responsibility to support and lift-up "wholesome, Christian alternatives" to Harry Potter and other occultist material.

One such recommendation by Robertson was 2004's Shadowmancer, by G.P. Taylor. Robertson and other Christians in Europe and the U.S. have been calling Taylor's Shadowmancer a "Christian response to Harry Potter". Robertson continued to tell the crowd that anyone who chooses Rowling's stories over "good, Christian literature, like Shadowmancer, surely doesn't know the Holy Spirit."

Robertson at a local Borders book store.

He described the Harry Potter marketing craze as "destructive" "evil", and "a greater threat to society than global warming."

Robertson finished up the day's local speaking tour at a Barnes & Noble, where he became impassioned and accused J.K. Rowling of being possessed by a demon herself.

Soon after the accusation was made, the event exploded in a flurry of activity. Spectators moved aside and gasped in wonder as Harry Potter himself ran through the crowd and attacked Robertson with some sort of strange red lighting that apparently caused Robertson's head to swell to twice its normal size.

Harry Potter Putting a Stop to Robertson's Tirade

"I don't fight rock trolls, bloody Death Eaters, and the Dark Lord himself just to listen to some wanker tell me I'm the bad guy," Potter told the crowd.

Upon realizing that Robertson was either unconscious or dead, the crowd burst into a rowdy applause, but soon quieted and dispersed when the boy wizard disappeared as suddenly as he had arrived.

When emergency crews arrived, a half-conscious Robertson was just stirring behind the podium. When asked by reporters whether he would continue his cross country campaign as planned, he stated that he would "continue the fight" through his numerous media connections, and that his "spirit would not be dampened."

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