A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Witchcraft Go Down

The other night we offered a free babysitting service at church. We do this like every other month. I was one of the four people who showed up to help, and I was the only guy to boot. I helped freshman girls babysit six children of varying ages up to 5. It was our goal to tucker the kids out as quick as possible so we did everything from chasing them around their makeshift chair-fort to swinging them about by their ankles.

Eventually, after they were docile enough to sit in a chair, we put in a DVD. Apparently, The Little Mermaid is just plain scary for a five year old, and The Incredibles is too grown-up. Not according to the parents mind you. These are the words of the five year old.

Anyway, we settled on Mary Poppins. I've only seen this movie a couple times mind you. I never watched it as a kid (a travesty, I'm told), and my wife made me watch it as an adult. Let me just say that Dick Van Dyke is reason enough to watch the movie, but I'd have been interested if it was just 1960's Julie Andrews buttoning her coat for an hour and a half. Arf.

You most certainly may not 'call me sometime.'

However, watching the movie with little kids gave me pause to rethink it a little and I came to see the no-nonsense nanny in a different way. It took all the strength I had not to turn it off right then and there.

I can't believe that Christians, with all their little sensitivities, have let their children watch this for over two generations. Let me show you what I mean.

Why Mary Poppins is a Horrible Role Model for Christians

5. Mary Poppins is incredibly vain - All one has to do is listen to her interview with Mr. Banks to see just how highly Ms. Poppins thinks of herself. After the horse race you can surely see that false modesty is not her strong suit. 'Practically perfect in every way,' my foot. She's practically the blue-ribbon finalist of Vanity Fair.

4. Mary Poppins is manipulative - She's constantly putting ideas into people's heads. Really do you want your children to be able to get you to buy them video games and soda and then turn around and convince you it was your idea? I don't think so.

3. The movie implies that men are stupid - Listen to Mrs. Banks' suffrage song. Maybe this is more of a...personal grief. Still, God put us in charge, so NYEH!

2. Mary Poppins is a dirty drunk - In one of the bedtime scenes, she gives the children some 'medicine.' It's some magic, voodoo liquid candy or something actually, but whatever. The kids like their tasty medicine, which has a different flavor each time. Guess what Mary's is? Rum punch! She even gives a little hiccup afterward. Not only is she a drinker, but she can't handle the sauce.

1. Mary Poppins is a Satanic witch - This one should be a no-brainer folks. She flies in on a cloud, blows the other potential nannies away in a freak gust of wind (monopolize, much?) and takes the job right out of their wrinkly little hands. She slides up the banister in scene reminiscent of Linda Blair's spinning head and displays a number of other magical powers throughout the film. If Harry Potter's bad enough to shield our kids from, surely Mary Poppins should also be bearing the brunt of our wrath.

We Christians pride ourselves on being watchdogs, yet for over forty years we've let this she-devil avoid our damning gaze. We've successfully voiced our outrage over the likes of Harry Potter's bazillion iterations, The Golden Compass and others of their ilk. Don't let the soft spot in your heart for this one stop you from doing the right thing.

And shame on you Disney for like the millionth time. Sheesh.