Monday, November 27, 2006

WTF?! No, seriously!

CALIFORNIA, November 22 - Rob's brother-in-law has the weirdest nipples ever. No, seriously. It's true.

Okay, so first, let me apologize for having a giant picture of a man's nipple on my blog. But there's my shout out to Diesel over at Mattress Police, who was kind enough to entertain me while I was at work the other day. Thanks, Diesel.

So now it's nose back to the grindstone folks. The holiday is over, and it's time for me to get back to work satisfying all of your rabid curiosity for the absolute insanity of some Christian manufacturers. No, really, you know I love it.

In all seriousness, today's kitsch is seriously a WTF?! kind of thing. I have to thank John for doing my work for me on this one. Thanks, John. Check out his blog here.

We all know the famous stories of Noah and the Ark, Samson and Delilah, and David and Goliath right? Well, apparently, Family Values, LLC has been reading a slightly different Bible than us.

This company produces action figures with a Biblical twist! They're all Bible heroes! Whoo-hoo! Before I blow you away, here's the description for the Samson action figure.

"Samson battles the forces of evil. His great strength comes from his faith and humility in the power of God. Package comes with poseable action figure styling with play accessory shield and sword, along with fully illustrated comic book."

Hmm...that sounds nothing like:

Judges 16: 17
"So he told her everything. 'No razor has ever been used on my head,' he said, 'because I have been a Nazirite set apart to God since birth. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man.' "

"...strength from his faith and humility"? Not only is that completely wrong, but humility was definitely not Samson's strong suit. Samson is the story of a guy who really screws up, but ends up serving God in the end, through his death.

But here's the real kicker:

You know who that is? That's David. Yup, good old shepherd boy. Apparently, David wasn't a small boy facing incredible odds against, with only a stone, a sling (not a slingshot), and faith in God. According to them, he was a big, ripped action hero with a suit of armor and a shield. Kind of messes up the message, doesn't it? Oh, and not to mention that every last one of those action heroes is a white boy. I'm beating a dead horse here, I know, but it really burns me up.

Coming Soon!: Jesus battles Satan, the Prince of Darkness. His power comes from His humility and pretty much being God. Package comes with poseable action figure styling with play accessory whip of cords (John 2:15) and cross, along with fully illustrated comic book.

Come on, people. You can buy your kids X-Men and if you pray, and teach them the real Bible they'll still turn out to be good kids. Let's face it: the X-Men are what they really want, anyway.


Allen said...

Why do I think Samson http://www.familyvaluescenter.

would sound like Hans & Franz of SNL?
"Hey, you Philistines are all a bahnch of girly-men. Ahm here to pahmp you ahp!"

Miss Kitty said...

Oh, for Pete's sake. This superhero stuff is terrible. Maybe we should call this "itsch," rather than kitsch, because it makes me it(s)ch from the awfulness.

I'm running around my college's campus today trying to find bad Christian kitsch to send along. ANYTHING to get the pierced-with-a-smile-face man-nipple off of the page! :-P

Diesel said...

Dude, his nipples aren't THAT weird.

Miss Kitty, how about "critsch," a combination of cringe, itch, and kitsch?

And while we are doing shout-outs to me, you are all invited to partake in the Lamest Contest Ever.