Thursday, March 15, 2007

A Duck Walks Into A Hardware Store

If your doctor said you had cancer, what kind of options would you expect him to propose? Chemotherapy? Quality over quantity?

Well, if he's a real Christian, I'll tell you what he'll recommend:

Grapes!

Well, not grapes exactly, but grape pills. Well, not just grape pills, but grape skin and seed pills. That's right, Logia Foods Grape Duet capsules.

Logia foods specializes in, if you can't read the logo at the top, "Foods of the Bible". This encompasses a much broader range than you might think, but we'll be covering more of those in later posts.

This one was the March special, and was definitely crazy enough for Kinda Kitschy. I really can't say it better than Logia Foods did. Here is this product's blurb, verbatim:

Grape Skin & Seed Combo Grapes are one of the Bible�s best healing fruits and are considered one of nature�s most medicinal fruits. Grape skins and grape seeds are used in several therapies having excellent results especially in cancerous tumor reduction. Grape skin and grape seeds will help purify the blood, invigorate the immune system, and help strengthen those people who have been weakened by cancer. Grapes are a powerful tonic that can mineralize and renovate the tissues. They help promote the action of the bowel, clean the liver and aid in kidney function. Each Grape Duet vegetarian capsule contains 100 mgs. of grape skin extract and 50 mgs. of grape seed extract.

What therapies are they talking about? And what tissues? It can renovate "the tissues". It sounds like a seedy nightclub downtown. Get it? Seedy? Because we're talking about...

...nevermind.

That whole schlock reminds me of Powdermilk Biscuits.

Made from whole wheat raised in the rich bottomlands of the Lake Wobegon river valley by Norwegian bachelor farmers; so you know they're not only good for you, but pure ... mostly. Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the biscuit on the cover, or in the brown bag with the dark stains that indicate freshness. Whole wheat that gives shy persons the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. Heavens they're tasty, and expeditious!

If you don't know what that is, shame on you.

A duck walks into a hardware store and says to the guy behind the counter, "Got any Humor-Blogs.com?"

11 comments:

Mile High Pixie said...

So can we have these at communion instead of those wafers? You know those things are high in carbs.

Allen said...

Has your family tried 'em, Powder Milk?
Has your family tried 'em, Powder Milk?
Well if your family's tried 'em,
You know you satisfied 'em.
They're the real hot item: Powder Milk!

Also purifies you from the stains of original sin!

Diesel said...

I believe in the healing power of bacon.

Miss Kitty said...

Bacon and Powdermilk Biscuits sounds like a great combo to me.

"A Prairie Home Companion" is coming to Georgia in April...and I'm going! YAY!

The Ironic Catholic said...

Let's not forget the natural mellowing agents in ketchup. "These are the good years...."

Or my personal favorite, rhubarb pie!

"Serve it up, nice and hot, maybe things aren't as bad as you thought!"

(Geez, we're like a cult!)

The Ironic Catholic said...

But have they considered Jeremiah 31:29?
"In those days they will not say again, 'The fathers have eaten sour grapes, And the children's teeth are set on edge.'

The Ironic Catholic said...

Diesel, obviously you never watched "Babe." :)

OK, my run of commenting is done!

Gregory said...

Be-Bop-A-Re-Bop Rhubarb Pie!

*jazz hands*

Big Ear Creations said...

I'm pretty sure that using that kind of logic, the total milk and honey (got the runs real bad) diet would be the most Biblical and therefore healthy wouldn't it?

Diesel said...

Gregory - Come play in my caption contest!

Sher said...

Reading the words "grape skin" over and over again made me feel all dirty inside.