Because Chocolate is Evil

We've all seen how people can take an idea with the Bible and run right off of a cliff with it. Here's another entry from the people who brought us the grape pills. They're still running as hot as ever and I found their take on the energy bar. They've named it aptly. Really, what else could they call it?


Be careful though! Even though these are foods sanctioned by God, there are a few warnings I think the company has overlooked. The Bible Bar should not be eaten by:

Atheists
Agnostics
Scientologists
Backsliders
Persons found to be in mortal sin
Persons with the following allergies:
Gluten
Nuts
Religion

The company that distributes this most holy of snacks is called House of David, America's Premier Distributor of Biblical Health Products. They have some interesting insight into the link between what people eat and their health:

Of course it still matters what we eat – otherwise there would be no harm in a diet of junk foods, high fat foods, highly processed foods and high calorie foods. As a matter of fact, nutritional research is showing us that there is a direct link between the diet we follow and the condition of our health. This being the case, then why would you not opt for the most perfect foods God ever created for man?

Isn't that just like a bunch of Christians? Years behind the curve. 3500 years to be exact. I'm wondering if we need to update the Lord's prayer for modern overly-fundamental Christians.

Our Father, who art in Heaven
Hallowed be Thy name
Thy Kingdom come
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in Heaven
Give us this day our daily Bible Bar
For the bread is bleached
And filled with preservatives

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Why am I doing two merchandise posts in a row? Well...

I read back through a bunch of the old posts. After all this time I was still thrilled by the response Kinda Kitschy got back then. The blog had real focus back then, and I have to admit, I feel those old posts were much funnier than the recent ones, and even many of the ones before the year hiatus. Where did the funny go? There's still going to be a lot of experimenting going on here, but I feel myself drifting back to my original intention for KK already. You know, we'll see how it goes. I want your feedback folks, especially those of you who have been here since the beginning. You know who you are.

Oh, and send me more kitsch! Many of the most frequent contributors are still reading, so break out those cameras again and make my life easier.

A Duck Walks Into A Hardware Store

If your doctor said you had cancer, what kind of options would you expect him to propose? Chemotherapy? Quality over quantity?

Well, if he's a real Christian, I'll tell you what he'll recommend:

Grapes!

Well, not grapes exactly, but grape pills. Well, not just grape pills, but grape skin and seed pills. That's right, Logia Foods Grape Duet capsules.

Logia foods specializes in, if you can't read the logo at the top, "Foods of the Bible". This encompasses a much broader range than you might think, but we'll be covering more of those in later posts.

This one was the March special, and was definitely crazy enough for Kinda Kitschy. I really can't say it better than Logia Foods did. Here is this product's blurb, verbatim:

Grape Skin & Seed Combo Grapes are one of the Bible�s best healing fruits and are considered one of nature�s most medicinal fruits. Grape skins and grape seeds are used in several therapies having excellent results especially in cancerous tumor reduction. Grape skin and grape seeds will help purify the blood, invigorate the immune system, and help strengthen those people who have been weakened by cancer. Grapes are a powerful tonic that can mineralize and renovate the tissues. They help promote the action of the bowel, clean the liver and aid in kidney function. Each Grape Duet vegetarian capsule contains 100 mgs. of grape skin extract and 50 mgs. of grape seed extract.

What therapies are they talking about? And what tissues? It can renovate "the tissues". It sounds like a seedy nightclub downtown. Get it? Seedy? Because we're talking about...

...nevermind.

That whole schlock reminds me of Powdermilk Biscuits.

Made from whole wheat raised in the rich bottomlands of the Lake Wobegon river valley by Norwegian bachelor farmers; so you know they're not only good for you, but pure ... mostly. Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the biscuit on the cover, or in the brown bag with the dark stains that indicate freshness. Whole wheat that gives shy persons the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. Heavens they're tasty, and expeditious!

If you don't know what that is, shame on you.

A duck walks into a hardware store and says to the guy behind the counter, "Got any Humor-Blogs.com?"