Monday, January 22, 2007

Harry Potter and the Evangelical Backlash

Virginia Beach, VA: Pat Robertson, author and host of the controversial Christian news program The 700 Club, began a vehement campaign this week to counteract the upcoming release of the seventh Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

"The Harry Potter phenomenon has reached epidemic proportions," he told reporters, "and it's time for the Christians of the United States and Britain to do something about it."

Robertson later told the crowd, which had gathered in front of the Waldenbooks at local Carson Mall in Virginia Beach, that "young children who fall prey to the occultist seduction found in Harry Potter begin an inevitable slide into Satanism that can only be countered by the action of good Christian folks."

Robertson at Carson Mall Waldenbooks

During the forty minute speech, Robertson called for a complete boycott of all Harry Potter merchandise, and any secondary merchandise related to the books, by American and British Christians, saying that God had given him a vision that Rowling's demonic empire was soon destined to fall. "The Lord didn't say it would be a book burning," he told the crowd, "but I do believe it will be something like that."

Robertson told spectators at another gathering that it is their responsibility to support and lift-up "wholesome, Christian alternatives" to Harry Potter and other occultist material.

One such recommendation by Robertson was 2004's Shadowmancer, by G.P. Taylor. Robertson and other Christians in Europe and the U.S. have been calling Taylor's Shadowmancer a "Christian response to Harry Potter". Robertson continued to tell the crowd that anyone who chooses Rowling's stories over "good, Christian literature, like Shadowmancer, surely doesn't know the Holy Spirit."

Robertson at a local Borders book store.

He described the Harry Potter marketing craze as "destructive" "evil", and "a greater threat to society than global warming."

Robertson finished up the day's local speaking tour at a Barnes & Noble, where he became impassioned and accused J.K. Rowling of being possessed by a demon herself.

Soon after the accusation was made, the event exploded in a flurry of activity. Spectators moved aside and gasped in wonder as Harry Potter himself ran through the crowd and attacked Robertson with some sort of strange red lighting that apparently caused Robertson's head to swell to twice its normal size.

Harry Potter Putting a Stop to Robertson's Tirade

"I don't fight rock trolls, bloody Death Eaters, and the Dark Lord himself just to listen to some wanker tell me I'm the bad guy," Potter told the crowd.

Upon realizing that Robertson was either unconscious or dead, the crowd burst into a rowdy applause, but soon quieted and dispersed when the boy wizard disappeared as suddenly as he had arrived.

When emergency crews arrived, a half-conscious Robertson was just stirring behind the podium. When asked by reporters whether he would continue his cross country campaign as planned, he stated that he would "continue the fight" through his numerous media connections, and that his "spirit would not be dampened."

Listed on


The Ironic Catholic said...

LOL. OK, the pictures really make the story there.

Gregory said...

If you knew about some of the statements he's made lately, I'm sure the text itself would be funnier.

Joel Bezaire said...

That's great. You've got Lark News beat on that one, my friend.

Miss Kitty said...

Whew! I'm glad this was satire! I was afraid it was for real, knowing all the crazy crap our boy Pat says these days.

Diesel said...

Take it easy on the guy. You can tell he's severely constipated just by looking at the pictures.

Megan said...

One my classmates brought in one that had a depiction of the crucifixion on its stomach. Sadly, I can't find a photo of that online.

Doc Peterson said...

Okay, seriously, I read the Shadowmancer books and they suck with a capital UCK. I really wanted to like them, but the author just wouldn't allow me to. And they are filled with all kind of weird spiritual crap. Harry Potter's bad? Puh-lease. At least there's a clear definition between good and evil. In The G.P. Taylor books? It's all bad. (That's me, making a pun about the awful writing)