Friday, September 19, 2008

Avast, Ye Salty Dogs!

Ahoy me hearties! What a great day it is when anyone can greet their mates with a guttural "Arrr!" and a shake of the hook without being considered insane or a serial killer. What do I mean? It's International Talk Like a Pirate Day of course, and what a fine holiday it is!

Now, I understand the concern of Christians in calling something like ITLPD a holiday, especially considering the connotations of piracy, both ancient and modern. We have romantic ideas about pirates who are dashing and clever and make repetitive jokes about rum. Very repetitive jokes. In reality, however, pirates were always thieves and often brutal cutthroats. Today, pirates are still thieves, sailing the digital seas in search of media to pilfer from honest corporations and hide away on the sandy beaches of their hard drives...

Where was I? While this historical picture does nothing to dampen my spirit on this most spirited of holidays, more conservative Christians may feel that this day is something offensive to their sensibilities.

However, Christians have been in the practice of re-purposing Pagan festivals and holidays since we were being fed to lions. We needed
something to lighten the mood, right? In light of this most ancient tradition, I present some Christian-friendly alternatives to International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

International Talk Like a Theologian Day - The language of Biblical scholars and theologians can often be just as daunting and confusing as that of pirates. Just go around using words like kenosis, premillenialism and other theological buzzwords. You don't have to know what they mean. Trust me, nobody else does. Not even the theologians.

International Talk Like a Baptist Day - This holiday's name is a little misleading. International Talk Like a Baptist Day doesn't actually involve all that much talking. Mostly you just walk around shaking your head disapprovingly at a lot of stuff.

International Talk Like Jonathan Edwards Day - Easy! Just go around shouting at people about how they're going to burn eternally in a lake of fire and eternal fiery torment for all eternity.

International Talk Like an Emergent Pastor Day - This one is a little harder. This is only doable if you're really hip, or know how to act hip. You have to reference very immediate pop culture and make it a loose metaphor for some spiritual truth. It also helps to drop the name of an obscure band every now and then.

Finally, for those who are a little more daring, not
quite so conservative there's:

International Talk Like Jesus Day - This mainly involves speaking in Aramaic and making up lengthy, arbitrary metaphors for the Christian life and the Kingdom of Heaven. Now, I know there are a few of you out there who aren't fluent in Aramaic. That's okay! An alternative is just to begin all your sentences with "Verily, I say unto thee."

So there you go! It's that easy. And for those of you who are partaking of the piratey mischief, here's an actual pirate generator. Have fun, and splice t' mainbrace!

P.S. - I've decided to try out a new look here at Kinda Kitschy! I'd greatly appreciate any feedback you could give me in the comments section!


Aaron Solomon Adelman said...

Intuition suggests I may be the only one who read this post who has ever said anything in Aramaic that he did not read directly from a book or recite ritually from memory. Specifically, I have said more or less spontaneously ״צפרא דמרי טבא״ and ״חמרא וחיי לפי רבנן ולפי תלמידיהון״. Somehow this scares me.

BRWombat said...

Don't you need an interpreter when you speak in tongues??? :-)

As far as the pirate stuff, sadly there's a story here in Texas about a lady complaining about the pirate flag as "satanic" (the local high school team is the Pirates). Things like this make Christians look like we see the devil hiding behind every shrubbery. Grrr.

Gregory said...

Aaron - I'd reply to you if I had an earthly idea what you'd just said. You are probably the only Aramaic speaker 'round these parts, so I'll know to come to you if I need to know how to call someone a !%#@$ or @$%&*@$! in Aramaic.

brwombat - I do see Satan hiding behind shrubberies. Don't you?! He's outside right now, crouching in the begonias, staring through my office window. I keep trying to call the police but they don't believe me.

The Ironic Catholic said...

Arr, kenosis be a right fine doctrine, I be thinkin'. Best to speak it wit' a cuppa th' grog in hand, matey.

The Ironic Catholic said...

p.s. I like yer new look, bucko. Fair winds to ye!

Matthew W. Johnson said...

I whole heartedly concur with your synopsis of the theological mode of discussion which amounts to little and many times ends with forcing a student to consider whether he ought to partake in pre-lapsarianism or post-lapasarianism for dinner....

in other news: I also love the new look... of your mom

loosecannon said...

That is some of the best medical humor I've ever read! Wow! Does someone have a scalpel! Pull the plug! Are you F---ing kidding me? side hurts. I have to lie down.

Loose Cannon and the RUFKM Army

Oh...wait....wrong forum... just substitute "medical" for "religious" and "scalpel" for "cross." OK, gotta go. It's bedtime.

Aaron Solomon Adelman said...

Note: I am not an Aramaic speaker. I just read it because some important Jewish literature is written in Aramaic.

״צפרא דמרי טבא״ means "good morning." ״חמרא וחיי לפי רבנן ולפי תלמידיהון״ means "wine and life according to our rabbis and according to their students" and is used as a toast. Come to think of it, I may have also spontaneously spouted ״מה נפקא מינה?״ (= lit. "what comes out of it?", something asked when uncertain what the practical difference of someone's opinion is).

Allen's Brain said...

Heh. I haven't been this nervously self-conscious since I watched "Saved!"