Actually, "Goblin" is Next to Godliness

The other day I was lint-rolling my futon for the fourth time that morning (I own cats, and they own my futon) and the phrase "cleanliness is next to Godliness" popped into my head. As someone who enjoys the theory of a clean home, but hasn't really experienced it, I've always hoped that it wasn't true. What if someone could encompass their entire life with that belief? I wondered what a church based on this "principle" would look like.

People start churches all the time to reach out to new groups all the time like people who easily fall for marketing or people who want to be rich, stay rich, or stop feeling guilty for being rich. So I thought it might be possible to open a new mission field by reaching out to the people who are too germaphobic to go to church.

I imagine a white brick church with a name like "Our Lady of Perpetual Scrubbing." Not because we're Catholic, but just because women are naturally cleaner than men. That's a scientific fact. Look it up. We would have clergy arrayed in the purest white, sanitized robes. They would be, of course, obsessive-compulsive neat-freaks. That would be a no-brainer, I think. The leaders have to set the bar, right? Imagine Monk with a Bible instead of a badge. The name even fits.

My first choice for deacons would be meth addicts. The word deacon comes from the Greek diakonos (διάκονος), which means "servant." At least that's what Wikipedia told me. Trust me, these guys are built for service. They'll clean anything, even if it takes a toothbrush and several buckets of Comet. Especially if that's what it takes. Of course, that might stir a lot of metaphorical pots. My second choice would be professional cleaners, and I don't mean the legal kind. I mean the guys who clean up a murder scene after you whack some snitchin' rat so that the cops can't find nuttin' of nobody's, no how.

Uh...sorry. Maybe they wouldn't be the best choice, but I honestly only went with them so everyone would go with the meth-heads.

We would worship and preach in one of those dust-free, sanitary clean-rooms where they build microchips. I mean, if cleanliness really is next to Godliness, than that must be the Holy of Holies, right? Before worship though we'd have to have a prayer service where we all wash each other's...hands. I know Jesus did the feet thing but, you know, eww. OH! And we would only baptize our members with bottled water!

Then I sort of snapped out of it and thought maybe the whole saying was a misunderstanding. Maybe cleanliness and godliness just used to be right next to each other in a really old dictionary. You know, before they discovered a lot of other words.

The Trouble with Christians or Why We Shouldn't Get the Vote

I got one of those stupid e-mail forwards a few weeks ago about the Islamic day of prayer that happened in D.C. recently. Basically it was a bunch of Christians complaining about the fact that the White House prayer service was canceled, yet a bunch of terrorists (according to them) can crowd the Capital (capital?) and pray together/blow it up.

Of course, this came from some of my Fundaconservachristian relatives. I use that term because, trust me, for my relatives, the three root words there are inexplicably tied to one another. I'm not usually one to get involved in discussions of politics with relatives because it often results in shouting matches/skipped Christmases, but my stupidity got the better of me.

I wrote a politely worded (read pretentious) e-mail about how the people who run are government are not Christians, generally speaking, and thus we can't expect them to act like Christians. I also waxed eloquent about my belief that while no one can avoid voting in line with their morality, and everyone tries to legislate it, a nation's government should work hard at being as impartial as possible in regard to religion. As much as I hate to say it, and I mean that, I had to agree with the militant atheists. A day of Christian prayer at the White House essentially amounted to a federal endorsement of religion. How long until that leads to a theocracy? Then some people get pissed, and throw your tea off of a boat, and it's a whole mess. I might have been a little argumentative (read sarcastic) in mentioning something about the Statue of Liberty and how she says nothing about agreeing with all the white people.

Anyway, despite my obvious attempt at being good-natured, or perhaps in spite of it, this did not result in a logical, polite debate on the nature of politics and their relationship to religion. Instead, what I got was an e-mail in which one of my relatives told me that she doubted my salvation. Her reasoning was roughly thus:

!. Those who have put their faith in Christ are indwelt by the Holy Spirit.
@. One of the Holy Spirit's jobs is to convict us of sin and incorrect spiritual decisions.
#. Since the Holy Spirit didn't convict me that voting for Obama was the wrong decision (not simply a bad decision mind you), I surely must not be saved.

Now, anyone who's taken even elementary rhetoric or debate will understand why that argument fails to even approach logic. Nevertheless, I attempted to logically explain (second mistake) that spiritual disagreements do not void salvation. I cited the disagreement of Paul and Barnabas that led them to part ways on their missionary trip, and how that in no way could cause us to doubt the spiritual state of either. When I received a reply telling me that I was basically everything that was wrong with this country, sadly, I gave up. I know. I'm a quitter.

The whole episode left me wondering what's going to happen at Christmas when I'll have to give her a hug and a kiss and wonder if she really thinks I'm going to burn in Hell. Oh, besides that? What has convinced so many Christians that gay marriage and abortion are the only moral issues in politics? What happened to Jesus' teachings on charity, or teaching children? How many of this country's sorry excuses for policy can be traced back to something Jesus said that we are supposed to live out as Christians?

Maybe I'm a cynic, but I think we can learn a lot from Christ. Funny, right? Christ knew that the hearts of people, men and women, were more important than revolution. We've forgotten that as Christians. We're content to stew in our churches about how this country is going to hell in handbasket. We march in picket lines and feel like we're doing the work of Christ, while ignoring that little commandment that tells us go and "make disciples."

I just have to ask: Do we really believe that changing policy will win souls? And if not, then what are we doing?

Tech Wizard's Got Such A Supple Wrist

So, after my own finagling with my Google accounts all but obliterated my access to this blog, I kind of gave up on it (again). Well now, due to my own technical genius, I'm able to post again. Truth is, if I'd cared that much in the first place, I probably would have kept trying before to get in. It was all in an effort to purge an extraneous Google account that I caused all the trouble in the first place. I can really be OCD when it comes to computational organization.

Anyway, I'm going to try and keep things going here because I need a reason to try and write something funny everyday if I'm ever going to churn out a novel. I might start a blog to post random bits of prose and poetry also. Meh. Who knows?

Meanwhile, I came across these abominations with a simple Google search for Christian shoes.

You can't get to Heaven on roller skates. But you can get there on cheap imitations.

Sometimes I wonder if marketing might be a gift of the Spirit. God knows there's thousands of Christians who have the unholiest knack for taking very cool things and making them "Christian" in only the crappiest of ways. As a big fan of Chuck Taylors this particularly stings to me.

Also, I would encourage you to check a site that seems to be selling very cool, original Christian apparel. It's called c28.com and they donate a portion of every purchase to various Christian ministries. See, I don't have a problem with using clothes for evangelism. I just take issue with the cheesy, uninspired, and unoriginal.

Preaching for Dummies (One dummy, at least!)

So, I spoke at my church last Sunday. Well, technically, I team-preached. I'm such a newbie that I had to do the preaching equivalent of tandem skydiving.

We're doing the attributes of God. Each week we do two attributes that are unique to God, and one that He shares with us. My friend, J.P., spoke on omniscience and grace, and I got to talk on omnipotence for about 15 minutes in between the two. It was good times all around.

Here's a link if you want to hear my all-powerful message (and J.P.'s). I'm the guy who speaks in the middle.

I was surprised. Once I got behind that little music stand (we're a bunch of cheap bastards) I didn't feel nervous at all. You know, power of the Holy Spirit and all that. You can see a link to the Great Adventure Church's website over on the right, plus audio links to the sermons for anyone who's into boring stuff like I am. I think mine is over there too. But I didn't come here today to talk about me.

Well, actually I did. I mean, it is my blog.

The truth is, I would love to see more people get involved in their local churches. Now, I know that speaking in front of all those people, hopefully friends, can be daunting and possibly humiliating. That's why I'm putting together a tool for amateur preachers. It took me a while to come up with a simple, familiar way to help people put sermons together, but I think I finally have the answer.


What better way to teach people to practice at a new skill by using a fun, grammatically educational tool that kids and adults have been enjoying for years? I was going to call it Mad Libs for Preachers, but that seemed a little too obvious. In the end, I opted for Mad Libs: Sunday Edition. Here's an excerpt:


Using my proven* system you'll be preaching revival starting sermons in no time. I know what you're thinking: "Isn't this a little generic?"

Yes, it is! That's the genius of it. Trust me, it's foolproof. No one really knows what the Bible says anyway. Don't believe me? Go look up Hezekiah 12:27.

*I tested it on my wife. She was so profoundly affected that all she could do was sit there in awestruck silence.

Words Cannot Describe...

Thanks to Adoro Te Devote (who originally stole it from Crescat) for tonight's little merchandising monstrosity. What is it about my blog that appeals to Catholic sensibilities anyway?

Apparently someone read about my fictional JesuSeat and decided to start producing prototypes. I'm wondering if I should sue them for copyright infringement.


I can only guess that the beloved disciple, John by tradition, was the inspiration behind this thing. In case you don't remember your Bible:

John 13:23 - There was reclining on Jesus' bosom one of His disciples, whom Jesus loved.

As weird as that is to begin with, who'd have thought they'd carry it out in such a creepy way. Who would buy a chair in the likeness of the mythical European Jesus? Anthropomorphic chair collectors? Torture device aficionados?

What if the chair became possessed and decided to like grab you and hold you down while it walked off with you or something? I mean, it could do it! That chair has feet! Real feet like with toes and everything!

If you find it offensive to think that a chair that looks like Jesus could be possessed, then you have no right to be reading this blog.

Goodnight.

Between a Rock and a Tentacled Monstrosity

I know the time is growing short but I still haven't settled on a presidential candidate yet. I haven't been that impressed by Obama or McCain. I'm too liberal for McCain and too conservative for Obama, so what is a boy to do?

Luckily, these aren't the only two candidates.

I've decided to back one of two independent candidates. A lot of times during these elections we talk about having to settle for the lesser evil. Well, I say if you're voting for evil either way, why not go for the gold?

So here are the two (or three rather) potentials. The first is Max, The Drunken Severed Head and his running-mate, The Brain, from IT CAME FROM ALLEN'S BRAIN!

I know that the Brain is a big proponent of greater rights for the bodily-impaired, but I'm not entirely clear on all of their political positions yet. There seems to be a subtle undercurrent of world-domination running through their speeches and statements, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

The Brain is always laughing maniacally and Max is too drunk most of the time to stand up straight. At least, he would be if he, you know, had legs and stuff. I'm hoping I can sit these two down (metaphorically speaking) for an interview and get some straight answers.

One of the things keeping me from pushing this ticket is this: these two disembodied egomaniacs are so evil they might end up arch-nemeses and plunge the entire planet into civil war. On a ticket of pure evil that's to be expected but if the war comes I don't want to have to choose between these two evil juggernauts.

I'm sure we all expected Max and Allen's Brain to throw their lot in with the rest of the presidential hopefuls but my next option is more of a dark horse who's seen his popularity on the internet take off in recent weeks. Strangely enough, he's actually not from the United States. Now, that's technically unconstitutional but something tells me that's not going to stop him from running.

I covered his arrival in our dimension a couple of weeks ago. Well, it seems he's decided to enter the race, and I for one couldn't be more excited. I mean in terms of sheer evil you can't get much more horrific then Cthulhu. The likelihood of any of the current candidates reducing the Earth to a smoking pile of rubble are pretty high, so I'm thinking why not go out in the grips of a mindless, eternal nightmare, right? You can read a synopsis of the Great Ancient One's political leanings over at The Greater Evil. Here's an excerpt:

War: Great Cthulhu enthusiastically embraces the War on Poverty, the War on Terror, the Occupation of Afghanistan and the Occupation of Iraq. He supports the expansion of these petty and half-hearted, but glorious mortal efforts and further promises that, when elected, he will launch a War on Death, a War on Confusion, and will personally occupy no fewer than three additional formerly sovereign foreign nations, beginning with Swaziland.

If you're wondering why Cthulhu doesn't have a running mate you must not be too familiar with his work. Let's just say that whoever he picked wouldn't be fit to hold the job once he got into office. Besides, would you want to stand next to the guy in photo shoots?

I'm really excited about both of these candidates and I'll let you know about how I'm working out my decision in the coming weeks.

As for the candidates, a debate may or may not be a good idea as Cthulhu may immediately reduce his opponents to mindless gibbering shells of their former (already maimed) selves. But we'll see. Good luck to all the presidential hopefuls!

A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Witchcraft Go Down

The other night we offered a free babysitting service at church. We do this like every other month. I was one of the four people who showed up to help, and I was the only guy to boot. I helped freshman girls babysit six children of varying ages up to 5. It was our goal to tucker the kids out as quick as possible so we did everything from chasing them around their makeshift chair-fort to swinging them about by their ankles.

Eventually, after they were docile enough to sit in a chair, we put in a DVD. Apparently, The Little Mermaid is just plain scary for a five year old, and The Incredibles is too grown-up. Not according to the parents mind you. These are the words of the five year old.

Anyway, we settled on Mary Poppins. I've only seen this movie a couple times mind you. I never watched it as a kid (a travesty, I'm told), and my wife made me watch it as an adult. Let me just say that Dick Van Dyke is reason enough to watch the movie, but I'd have been interested if it was just 1960's Julie Andrews buttoning her coat for an hour and a half. Arf.

You most certainly may not 'call me sometime.'

However, watching the movie with little kids gave me pause to rethink it a little and I came to see the no-nonsense nanny in a different way. It took all the strength I had not to turn it off right then and there.

I can't believe that Christians, with all their little sensitivities, have let their children watch this for over two generations. Let me show you what I mean.

Why Mary Poppins is a Horrible Role Model for Christians

5. Mary Poppins is incredibly vain - All one has to do is listen to her interview with Mr. Banks to see just how highly Ms. Poppins thinks of herself. After the horse race you can surely see that false modesty is not her strong suit. 'Practically perfect in every way,' my foot. She's practically the blue-ribbon finalist of Vanity Fair.

4. Mary Poppins is manipulative - She's constantly putting ideas into people's heads. Really do you want your children to be able to get you to buy them video games and soda and then turn around and convince you it was your idea? I don't think so.

3. The movie implies that men are stupid - Listen to Mrs. Banks' suffrage song. Maybe this is more of a...personal grief. Still, God put us in charge, so NYEH!

2. Mary Poppins is a dirty drunk - In one of the bedtime scenes, she gives the children some 'medicine.' It's some magic, voodoo liquid candy or something actually, but whatever. The kids like their tasty medicine, which has a different flavor each time. Guess what Mary's is? Rum punch! She even gives a little hiccup afterward. Not only is she a drinker, but she can't handle the sauce.

1. Mary Poppins is a Satanic witch - This one should be a no-brainer folks. She flies in on a cloud, blows the other potential nannies away in a freak gust of wind (monopolize, much?) and takes the job right out of their wrinkly little hands. She slides up the banister in scene reminiscent of Linda Blair's spinning head and displays a number of other magical powers throughout the film. If Harry Potter's bad enough to shield our kids from, surely Mary Poppins should also be bearing the brunt of our wrath.

We Christians pride ourselves on being watchdogs, yet for over forty years we've let this she-devil avoid our damning gaze. We've successfully voiced our outrage over the likes of Harry Potter's bazillion iterations, The Golden Compass and others of their ilk. Don't let the soft spot in your heart for this one stop you from doing the right thing.

And shame on you Disney for like the millionth time. Sheesh.

Because Chocolate is Evil

We've all seen how people can take an idea with the Bible and run right off of a cliff with it. Here's another entry from the people who brought us the grape pills. They're still running as hot as ever and I found their take on the energy bar. They've named it aptly. Really, what else could they call it?


Be careful though! Even though these are foods sanctioned by God, there are a few warnings I think the company has overlooked. The Bible Bar should not be eaten by:

Atheists
Agnostics
Scientologists
Backsliders
Persons found to be in mortal sin
Persons with the following allergies:
Gluten
Nuts
Religion

The company that distributes this most holy of snacks is called House of David, America's Premier Distributor of Biblical Health Products. They have some interesting insight into the link between what people eat and their health:

Of course it still matters what we eat – otherwise there would be no harm in a diet of junk foods, high fat foods, highly processed foods and high calorie foods. As a matter of fact, nutritional research is showing us that there is a direct link between the diet we follow and the condition of our health. This being the case, then why would you not opt for the most perfect foods God ever created for man?

Isn't that just like a bunch of Christians? Years behind the curve. 3500 years to be exact. I'm wondering if we need to update the Lord's prayer for modern overly-fundamental Christians.

Our Father, who art in Heaven
Hallowed be Thy name
Thy Kingdom come
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in Heaven
Give us this day our daily Bible Bar
For the bread is bleached
And filled with preservatives

------------------------------------------------

Why am I doing two merchandise posts in a row? Well...

I read back through a bunch of the old posts. After all this time I was still thrilled by the response Kinda Kitschy got back then. The blog had real focus back then, and I have to admit, I feel those old posts were much funnier than the recent ones, and even many of the ones before the year hiatus. Where did the funny go? There's still going to be a lot of experimenting going on here, but I feel myself drifting back to my original intention for KK already. You know, we'll see how it goes. I want your feedback folks, especially those of you who have been here since the beginning. You know who you are.

Oh, and send me more kitsch! Many of the most frequent contributors are still reading, so break out those cameras again and make my life easier.

Don't Stand for that Devil Music

It's a little disturbing to me when I find Christian merchandise I'm pretty sure I never could have made up. Then I realize it's less work for me, so everything's cool.

Do any of you play video games? Sorry, stupid question.

Well, pretend that you do. Those music games are really popular right now. You know the ones. They're called like "Guitar God" or "Satanic Band" or something like that. You strum this fake, plastic guitar and press buttons in time to popular rock 'n roll songs. Sure, that sounds like oodles of fun, you're thinking. But I bet you wish that instead of getting your kicks to soul-corrupting tunes like "Slow Ride" and "Black Magic Woman" (need I say more?) you could jam out to something a little more, I don't know, holy?

No? Well, apparently someone did.

As you can see, this is Guitar Praise: Solid Rock. Get it? Solid Rock? As in "On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand." Clever, eh?

Seriously though, I have to give them some credit for moving beyond the usual Christian video game offering. However the fact that it's yet another attempt of Christians trying to copy what's popular in mainstream culture is a mark against them. I've railed on the Church's apparent lack of originality before.

One indication of just how far they want to take this can be seen in a quote from the game's Features page: "Power Duel Mode sends surprises to mess with your opponent."

Surprises? Seriously? Apparently you can send a bouquet of flowers with a nice note attached, or a box of kittens. I hope they claw your opponent's face off.

The song list does contain a few bands or artists notable for being genuinely talented in a sea of mediocrity (Caedmon's Call, David Crowder Band, Skillet). But there are definitely some questionable choices on there, such as tobyMac. The guy doesn't even capitalize his own name, and that always bothered me.

I think Jesus would even have a hard time listening to that guy droning on for three minutes.

Avast, Ye Salty Dogs!

Ahoy me hearties! What a great day it is when anyone can greet their mates with a guttural "Arrr!" and a shake of the hook without being considered insane or a serial killer. What do I mean? It's International Talk Like a Pirate Day of course, and what a fine holiday it is!

Now, I understand the concern of Christians in calling something like ITLPD a holiday, especially considering the connotations of piracy, both ancient and modern. We have romantic ideas about pirates who are dashing and clever and make repetitive jokes about rum. Very repetitive jokes. In reality, however, pirates were always thieves and often brutal cutthroats. Today, pirates are still thieves, sailing the digital seas in search of media to pilfer from honest corporations and hide away on the sandy beaches of their hard drives...

Where was I? While this historical picture does nothing to dampen my spirit on this most spirited of holidays, more conservative Christians may feel that this day is something offensive to their sensibilities.

However, Christians have been in the practice of re-purposing Pagan festivals and holidays since we were being fed to lions. We needed something to lighten the mood, right? In light of this most ancient tradition, I present some Christian-friendly alternatives to International Talk Like a Pirate Day!


International Talk Like a Theologian Day - The language of Biblical scholars and theologians can often be just as daunting and confusing as that of pirates. Just go around using words like kenosis, premillenialism and other theological buzzwords. You don't have to know what they mean. Trust me, nobody else does. Not even the theologians.

International Talk Like a Baptist Day - This holiday's name is a little misleading. International Talk Like a Baptist Day doesn't actually involve all that much talking. Mostly you just walk around shaking your head disapprovingly at a lot of stuff.

International Talk Like Jonathan Edwards Day - Easy! Just go around shouting at people about how they're going to burn eternally in a lake of fire and eternal fiery torment for all eternity.

International Talk Like an Emergent Pastor Day - This one is a little harder. This is only doable if you're really hip, or know how to act hip. You have to reference very immediate pop culture and make it a loose metaphor for some spiritual truth. It also helps to drop the name of an obscure band every now and then.

Finally, for those who are a little more daring, not quite so conservative there's:

International Talk Like Jesus Day - This mainly involves speaking in Aramaic and making up lengthy, arbitrary metaphors for the Christian life and the Kingdom of Heaven. Now, I know there are a few of you out there who aren't fluent in Aramaic. That's okay! An alternative is just to begin all your sentences with "Verily, I say unto thee."


So there you go! It's that easy. And for those of you who are partaking of the piratey mischief, here's an actual pirate generator. Have fun, and splice t' mainbrace!

P.S. - I've decided to try out a new look here at Kinda Kitschy! I'd greatly appreciate any feedback you could give me in the comments section!

Merchandise Mondays: Eight Miles High

This was supposed to be yesterday's post, but the only thing I had time for at the computer was homework. I'll try and continue to do Christian kitsch posts on Mondays. I found this little gem while trolling a Christian bookstore's website:


I took a few minutes to browse the selected portions, including the table contents. I found what looked to be a few pearls of wisdom.

Selected Table of Contents*

Hoo! (Establishing a Firm Identity in Christ)

Cheep! (Honoring God With Your Finances)

Tootwoo! (Why It Really Is A Sin To Kill A Mockingbird)

Terwit Terwoo! (?????????)

*this is totally made up

Humor-Blogs.com is for the birds.

Adventures In Extreme Moral Rectitude (The Tyranny of the Upright)

I don't know if you know this, but I went to Bible college. Yeah, yeah, I know. I don't seem stuck up enough to be a Bible college alum, do I?

Don't answer that.

I only spent a year there. It was like this year-long Bible study. Actually, it wasn't like that. That's exactly what it was. Honestly, it was the best year of my life. I learned about God's Word in an in-depth way I'd never experienced before. I made a ton of new friends. I met my wife. Meals were shared. Stories were told. Pranks were had. Oh, the pranks they pull at that place.

Then, of course, after I left everything hit the fan. Everything got way more strict than it already was. The guy who recruited me got fired because he dared to recruit from places not affiliated with the school's denomination. This of course, was two years after they'd told him to increase enrollment by whatever means he could, and he raised it 7% each consecutive year he was there.

My good friend got fired because he made a post about what beer he liked on a non-affiliated alumni website. In fact, they told other people they were going to fire him before they told him. He found out via third party. Awkward, right?

They have this document at this school called "The Lifestyle Covenant". It's this document they make you sign that says I will not do this, or this, or this, or that, or this, or this, or that other thing. You notice how they call it a "covenant" to make it sound all Biblical? Yeah, they do that with a lot of things.

It looks kind of like this:

Inexorable Bible College Lifestyle Covenant

1. I will refrain from engaging in sexually explicit behavior, or engaging in behaviors intended to increase physical gratification, or public displays of affection while enrolled at Inexorable Bible College. These behaviors may include.

-Hand-holding
-Kissing
-Sitting on lap
-Fondling
-Baby talk
-Gazing longingly
-Soliloquoys
-Intercourse
-Rainbow parties
-Roman orgies

2. I will refrain from engaging in social dancing of any form, consentual or otherwise, while enrolled at Inexorable Bible College. This includes dancing while at parties, weddings, or around a dining room table with my girlfriends while we drink margaritas. However, dancing a wild dance unto the Lord may be acceptable, so long as I am wearing a loincloth while doing so.

3. I will refrain from the use of alcohol, tobacco, and illegal drugs while enrolled at Inexorable Bible College, even if I am 21 and it's only one glass of Chiraz and grandma's Christmas party and I know the faculty are partaking of the fruit of the vine. If I witness a classmate engaging in the unlawful consumption of aforementioned substances, I will tell everyone I know about it, including the Dean, before I say anything to my classmate about it. In fact, I might forego that last part altogether.

4. Engagements between couples may only become public knowledge at the discretion of the Student Judiciary Board and must meet certain criteria.

The Couple:

-is considered mature enough to enter such a holy state.
-has the permission of the parents, or the marriage has been pre-arranged.
-has presented an acceptable dowry both to the groom's parents and the Board of the College. Cash, livestock, and/or electronics are all considered acceptable dowry.

5. In the event of an election year, I will refrain from voting Democrat.

I'm exaggerating a bit, but it is pretty ridiculous. The thing I can never get over is this "while enrolled at" clause. It means you can't do those things while on campus, off campus, or 600 miles away at home where no one you know has heard of or cares about Inexorable Bible College. My wife had to sign that last year, since she was a student, and was afraid to go out even once with me for a drink.

The hypocrisy of it all amuses and upsets me all at the same time. They never take official stances by saying that it's a sin to drink alcohol, or that the way their churches worship is right. It's like a roundabout way of condemning all that stuff without being legalistic. The faculty is not immune either. I'm sure they think twice before inviting someone over.

Sometimes I can almost hear them wondering aloud why enrollment has dropped.

Joel over at Crummy Church Signs recently celebrated his 4th Blog-iversary! Congratulations, Joel. If you haven't already head over and check out the crumminess.

The larger font is in response to Siouxsieq at Siouxsie's Musings. Hopefully this is a good change for everyone. I've often wondered if the font was too small.

Humor-Blogs.com also likes to dance around tables and drink margaritas with its girlfriends.

Weird Science

FAKE NEWS NETWORK

Fake News for Real People

In a breakthrough experiment today, scientists fired up the Large Hadron Collider, a seventeen mile pipeline underneath the Franco-Swiss border. It is the world's largest particle collider. The LHC has been under construction for nearly thirteen years, and today was to be considered a red letter day for many scientists. Scientists have spent months quelling rumors that the machine will destroy the Earth. Renowned British physicist declared the machine "absolutely safe".

Some Christian groups have renounced the experiment, citing it as man's attempt to, again, play God. Many have declared that God will use this "last folly" to bring about Armageddon. Rev. Jeremiah Hogwallop who has been using his members' donations to build an enormous bomb shelter for his congregation.

"When that there Doomsday comes, " Hogwallop told reporters, "we's gon' be ready." Scientists have laughed at these doomsayers, calling predictions by Christians to be nothing but "science-fiction."

However, in a surprising turn of events the LHC ripped an enormous hole in the space-time continuum in the early hours of the morning. Or later tonight. It's hard to tell at this point(s).

The attending scientists believe that as the beam travelled around the 17 mile track, it collided with some small piece of matter. The resulting explosion violently ripped a hole in the universe that is, according to scientists, "about the size of an aircraft carrier."

Lead particle physicist Pierre Pamplemousse had this to say (translated): "We were all very surprised. Especially after Hawking said the damn thing was safe. I mean, if you can't take the cripple's word for it, who can you trust? Yeah, this is definitely going to set us back a bit."

The light from the hole is blinding. As it spreads, the consequences of such a catastrophic event multiply. The French government has been attempting to aid the facility's staff in handling the number of temporal anomalies.

"There've been a number of surprises," a spokesperson told FNN. "While trying to close up the tear early on several scientists came face to face with Jesus. He was apparently using the temporal rift to speak with Moses and Elijah. They all asked Him several questions. Apparently He and the prophets just laughed and Jesus winked at them before that particular wormhole closed. It was a troubling experience for all involved."

When asked whether the events could cause any adverse effects, such as the destruction of the entire universe, Pamplemousse told us, "How should I know? I mean, I think I saw myself in the shower yesterday morning. I looked at me and we were both all like 'WTF?!' Isn't that supposed to like shatter the continuum or something? I'm still here."

However, the largest problem for workers to deal with now is the enormous Cthulhu that has recently writhed its way through the growing rift from the foulest corners of beyond to manifest its dark song and make our nightmares flesh.

The Old One Emerges

The French government has had little to say about the event. When asked whether the monstrous demi-god would prove a widespread problem, one official told reporters simply, "Oh God! I can see forever!"

Not Quite Like Riding a Bike (The Trouble with Titles)

Hello masses, unwashed and otherwise. It's been just over a year since I left you all to your own devices. You're all older and wiser than when I left you. I'm older and...heavier than when I left you.

Don't misunderstand me. It's not like I'm crawling back to you on hands and knees, but, to put this very bluntly, I want you back.

All I know is that I need to get out all these strange, squishy feelings that keep intruding on my me-time. Really, though, I've missed you. You guys were like a second family to me, a second family that I've never met and for all I know could be murderers, rapists, or liberals. Family, yeah. You know who you are.

Everything I said in my previous post is still true. My life with my church family is still as rich as it was, richer even. Like I said before, at the end it felt like all I was doing was complaining. I wasn't adding anything to the dialogue. But I want to come back. There I things I need to say, but it seemed like my sense of humor was being wasted on the cat.

I can't keep doing what I was doing before partly for the aforementioned reasons. I still want to poke Christianity with a sharp stick, to be sure. However, trolling the interwebs for appalling Christian merchandise every other day was getting taxing. I'll definitely still use that as a feature, but it won't be the whole focus of the blog. I've only decided on a couple regular features I want to have here, but I think they're good ideas. Plus it'll give me something to think about in my really boring classes.

Posting might be kind of slapdash until I get the format down. If I can get my hands on what I need I'll be bringing you another post later today to kick off the festivities.

I don't expect everyone to come flocking back. If any old friends show up it'll exceed my expectations. I can't wait to get back into the swing of things.

Same Old, Same Old

So the move is finished. I am now a resident of Dubuque, Iowa. Everything is unpacked (mostly), and now the only task that remains is finding a job. I applied to a few retail places, but I have to put together a resume for some medical supply company. Much prayer is needed. Thank you.

Sorry for the long hiatus with no interim blogger. I planned to have someone take over during the absence, but I got so caught up in everything I was doing that I just never got around to it. I guess that shows where my priorities lie.

But, this Sunday, I went to church again (a great church, I might add), so I figured it was time to dust off Kinda Kitschy and try again. Considering that everything I'm doing now is new, I thought I should stick with something familiar. Somehow, though, it's just as horrifying as the first incarnation we looked at on KK.

How many times have I done posts on crummy Armor of God incarnations? Three times? Five times? Well I guess that makes it four...or six, I can't remember. We Christians excel at our ability to take a metaphor and turn it into something ridiculous. We do it almost as well as potlucks...almost. Here's a pic I snapped at a Christian bookstore back in St. Louis.


It's a Christian version of those crummy ninja/cowboy/knight/pastor costumes we boys wore when we were kids. I wouldn't doubt that somewhere, floating around in that nebulous vacuum of improbability called Christian merchandise there's a girl's version of this, and it's probably pink with flowers and a veil instead of a helmet. Anything to sell a few extra units.

What I really want to point out is the parent-nabbing description on the box, proving, once again, that marketing is all about spin.

It's not a toy, it's a tool!

I should've gone into marketing.

Humor-Blogs.com is all about spin.

The Indubitably Lame Duo

Here's a tip: If you ever have to make a change to your internet service, don't. But if you do, get them to tell you the exact date that it will be turned back on. Oh? You didn't know that they'd have to turn it off just to switch the name on the account? Well, apparently they do, and if they're AT&T they have to turn it off for a week, which apparently, is the same thing as the two or three days they quoted us when we originally requested the change.

That being said, let's get down to business. When Satan is tempting you with scantily clad Bathshebas, who comes to your aid? When you find out your friend is downloading secular music, who do you go to for help? When your children are playing video games not pre-approved by your church, who do you call? God? No!

The answer to all these questions is, of course:


You've never heard of Bibleman? Well, let's run over the superhero checklist.

Armor-like, musclebound costume? Check.


Rich? Check.

Goofy archnemesis? Check. Luxor Spawndroth, seen here.

Lame sidekick with lamer name? Check. Cypher, seen here.

Wait a minute. This is all starting to sound kind of familiar...


I feel cheated, cheated and dirty. This is almost as bad as the time I found out that Ace and Gary were gay.

At least, I'm fairly sure they're gay.

Housekeeping note: There's just one week left before the big move. I don't technically have a house in Iowa yet to move into. I'm moving up before my wife and staying with a friend in order to seal the deal. This means I won't have internet for however long it takes for me to find a house. Yes, unfortunately this may mean another hiatus for Kinda Kitschy.

HOWEVER!

Ideally, I would like to find someone who would be willing to guest host Kinda Kitschy for the time that I am without internet. So, here is a want ad for the temporary position.

WANTED: Christian who is funny (but not too funny!) and is willing to troll the deep, dark vortex of the internets every two or three days, find horrible, appalling, slightly ridiculous Christian merchandise and then publicly humiliate it in front of all its friends.

If you're interested in the position, please reply to this post and indicate such, and leave your e-mail address. Or, if you're shy, you can e-mail me here. Then again, if you're shy, this may not be the ideal position for you.

Oh, and I swear, if you're funnier than me, you'll never work in this town again.

What is a hero? A hero is someone who kills people, people who wish him harm. A hero is part human, and part Humor-Blogs.com.

The Hot Chick

It's hard for me to believe that we've never speared Jack Chick here at Kinda Kitschy. Who is this enigmatic we I'm referring to? That's beside the point.

Some people have referred to Chick's tracts, or at least some of them, as offensive. I think that may be taking a slightly harder line than necessary, but they are definitely, how do you say, fundamental?

So I'm throwing up a classic doozy for your collective disdain today. The Ironic Catholic should find this one especially close to home.


I'll say it. Ouch!

As painful as it is for me to say it, I used to read Chick Tracts and use them for evangelism. Yep, when I used to be a fiery junior preacher, I threw this particular one at my dear, sweet, unsuspecting grandmother. If I remember right, she just read it, set it aside, and went to sleep. She's a smart woman.

I've settled down since then, but Mr. Chick is still printing tracts. I haven't seen any of the new ones, and honestly, I'm probably better off.

While I disagree with much of the theology and practices of Roman Catholicism at large, I've learned that Catholics differ in their belief as often or more than Protestants differ in theirs. However, Jack lumps all Catholics into one category, as I believe he does with Muslims, Jews, and most other people.

Let's all say it together: For it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith. Faith alone, in Christ alone.

'Nuff said.

So let's be a little more forgiving and a little less stereotypical of our brothers and sisters on the other side of the Reformational track. I'm sure they'll appreciate it. And here's my chance to poke a little fun.

Transubstantiation

For all his hubris, Jack Chick never dared call into question the sanctity of Humor-Blogs.com!

Jesus Just Loves the Little Children

I hate tearing down mom and pop type establishments, but when something is weird, it's just weird. I can't do anything about that. Some of you may recall the Lamp of God.

Well, I found its little brother. This is the Miraculous Jesus Night Light.


And why is the Miraculous Jesus Night Light so miraculous? Because...

...it follows you wherever you go. It's cut in a way that makes it look like Jesus' gaze is following you around. You can find this little piece of Gospel magic at Lil's Crafts & Creations". Here's the blurb from someone I'm guessing is Lil:

This "miraculous" Jesus nightlight is a 3-D image of Jesus, that appears to move & follow you wherever you walk in the room. The images above are all of the same nightlight sculpture, but taken from different angles. Your children will love this nightlight, as Jesus appears to be watching over them wherever they are. Your children may (like mine) receive comfort, security, and relief from those sleepless and scary nights. Each nightlight is custom hand made and painted by a ceramic craftsman (my mom) who takes pride in her work. The light is approx. 6" x 8" x 4: in size. Makes the perfect Christmas gift.

Imagine being a frightened child. You are having a nightmare where some beastly, hairy man with white glowing eyes is chasing you. Suddenly, with great relief, you wake up, only to find yourself staring at a beastly, hairy man with white glowing eyes.

Child: Do you love me, night light Jesus?
NLJ: Yes, child.
Child: Do you watch over me when I'm sleeping, night light Jesus?
NLJ: Of course, child.
Child: Night light Jesus, are you going to eat me?
NLJ: ...probably.

Then his head spins around in a circle.

Wanna see something really scary?

I'm guessing this woman mistakes her children's insomnia and unbridled fear for comfort, security, and relief. Of course, this is all not to mention the fact that, once again, Jesus is a white man...literally.

When I was little I used to dream that I was being chased around my house by a big, scary Humor-Blogs.com.

Rock 'N Roll

I don't think anyone's noticed that I'm back yet. I guess you can't go silent for weeks on end and and still retain most of your readership. That's okay, though. I'll keep persevering to the (most likely) bitter end. Hopefully, if I make sure at least some of these make it onto Humor-Blogs.com that you, my friends, my colleagues, my only source of validation, will come running back to me with open arms.

Meh. A boy can hope.

I was trolling the interwebs today and stumbled across this little gem (pun intended).

Those are Faith Stones. They're pretty much just little rocks with happy little words on them. Honestly, I don't know what else to say. I haven't the foggiest idea what they're really for.

Tabletop Rock Gardening?


Probably not. Chakra balancing?

Doubt it.

Fun at the lake?

Well, that's probably what I'd use them for. But that seems like a waste of money just for some good skippin' stones.

You know, I used to walk around stores and laugh at all the inane crap that stupid people sell to other stupid people.

Now I always up ashamed when I see this, and realize that people who share my faith are just as bad. Seriously, how can you justify selling rocks? Not even pretty rocks. Just rocks with words on them. I guess they look at the guy who thought of the Pet Rock and said, "Hey look at him! That could be us."

I don't think so guys. I don't think so.

I've been messing around with The Motivator lately and having some fun. Here at Kinda Kitschy we're all about pointing out some of the stranger, quirkier facets of Christianity, so I've been putting together some posters to reflect that. Here's one for all of you.

You came from Heaven to Earth, to show us Humor-blogs.com.

Back With A...Something

So, today, on my first post since Moses was in diapers, I've decided that it's time to correct a grievous error here at Kinda Kitschy. You may recall a small feature known as "Kitschy Wishes". Now, I don't know if I was high, tired, or just really, really hungry when I came up with that name, but I was thinking the other day of how much it sucks. Finally, God bestowed upon me a revelation of the name that I should have given that feature in the first place:

Kitschy Kreations

Yeah, I know. How did I not think of that before? I mean, I am an English major right? A bad English major, considering that I'm spelling "creation" with a K, but an English major nonetheless. You wouldn't think simple alliteration would be beyond my ken. Oh well.

So that's the new name for posts when I bring you the Christian products of tomorrow straight from my imagination. It just so happens that I have such a treat for you today!

Introducing, the Ford Redemption!


I know what your thinking: That's just a random picture of a Crown Victoria on a golf course!

Well, it's not, okay?

Anyway, the Redemption is America's first Christian car. Ford has always put America first, and what's more American than Jesus?

The Ford Redemption comes with many features exclusive to America's first Christian car, such as a Pre-Installed Jesus Fish!


CD/MP3 Player and Satellite Radio with patented EternaPlay technology which programs your radio with nothing but Christian stations, and keeps it that way!


But best of all, the Redemption features state of the art laser guidance systems, which keep you traveling at or under the speed limit wherever you go!

Another witnessing opportunity from the Redemption!

So take to the road with Jesus and the Redemption, and you'll be singing "In the Highways" before you know it!

My parents conceived me in the back of '79 Humor-Blogs.com!